Maintaining long-term relationships, whether through legal marriage or not, presents challenges. The reality is that coexisting with a single person over many years is inevitably marked by both positive and negative phases; it's not always smooth sailing. Difficult moments are certain to accompany the good ones. Even within the most content marriages, disagreements are a natural occurrence. Regrettably, in some cases, the situation can deteriorate further, referring specifically to instances of abuse – a completely intolerable circumstance. Throughout history, abusive relationships have existed, but it's only in recent decades that society has begun to demand their cessation. Various forms of abuse exist, not limited to physical harm, including mental and verbal mistreatment, which can also inflict significant damage. The subsequent narrative holds a lesson that's pertinent for all.

The moment of realization struck me unexpectedly, and it was all because of a package of ground beef. I had requested my husband to make a quick stop at the store to gather some dinner essentials. As he walked through the door, he nonchalantly placed the bag on the kitchen counter. Delving into the bag's contents, I soon grasped the situation: he had brought home a packet of 70/30 hamburger meat, indicating that it consisted of 70% lean meat and 30% fat.

I asked, "What's this?"

"Hamburger meat," he replied, slightly confused.

"You didn't get the right kind," I said.

"I didn't?" He replied with his brow furrowed. " Was there some other brand you wanted or something?"

"No. You're missing the point, " I said. "You got the 70/30. I always get at least the 80/20."

He laughed. "Oh. That's all? I thought I'd really messed up or something."

And so it began. I directed my frustration toward him. I scolded him for not making a more informed choice. I questioned his disregard for opting for the healthier alternative. Did he not take the time to read the labels? The trust factor came into play too. Must I meticulously outline every tiny aspect for him to ensure correctness? Additionally, what stung me the most was his apparent lack of observation. I found myself offended by the fact that he hadn't noticed my consistent preferences over the years. Did he not pay any attention to my actions?

As he sat there, bearing the brunt of my righteous indignation and muttering responses like, "I never noticed," "I really don't think it's that big of a deal," and "I'll get it right next time." His countenance underwent a gradual transformation, a familiar sight over the recent years. The amalgamation of resignation and discouragement painted his features, a mirror of our son's expression when reprimanded. It was at that precise moment that a realization dawned upon me. "Why am I doing this? I'm not his mom."

A rush of guilt washed over me unexpectedly, accompanied by a sense of embarrassment directed at myself. He had a valid point – there was truly no reason to get so worked up. Yet, there I was, doing just that. All this fuss over a simple package of ground beef that he had dutifully brought home from the store, just as I had requested. If I had specific preferences, I should have communicated them more clearly. I grappled with finding a way to tactfully step back from the conversation without appearing to have an internal conflict, so I managed to mumble something like, "Yeah. I guess we'll make do with this. I'm going to start dinner."

He appeared to breathe a sigh of relief as the situation concluded, and he exited the kitchen.

Subsequently, I took a moment to sit and engage in deep introspection regarding my recent actions and potentially, the pattern I might have followed for years. The incident I've dubbed the "hamburger meat moment" wasn't an isolated event when it came to reprimanding him for not adhering to my preferred approach. It had become a recurring pattern. Whether it was misplacing items, leaving things out, or overlooking tasks entirely, I habitually highlighted his deviations from my expectations.

What drives me to engage in such behavior? How does consistently belittling my husband serve any purpose? He's the man I've chosen as my life partner, the father of my children, the one I envision standing by me as we age. So, why do I fall into the trap of attempting to alter his every action, a stereotype often attributed to women? Is there a sense of accomplishment derived from this? Evidently not, considering I persist in doing so. What prompts me to believe it's reasonable to anticipate him remembering my preferences and executing them precisely? Does his divergence from my way of doing things imply that he's wrong?

When did it reach a point where consistently correcting him, delivering lectures, and highlighting every minor aspect I found disagreeable became an acceptable course of action, as though he were perpetually committing errors?

And what does he gain from this? Does it lead him to ponder or consider? "Wow! I'm sure glad she was there to set me straight?" I strongly question that. It's likely he perceives my actions as constant nagging without any valid grounds. I'm fairly certain it prompts him to believe that his optimal strategy with regard to me involves either refraining from household tasks altogether or simply steering clear of me.

Allow me to illustrate with two instances. The first example: I came across a fragment of glass on the kitchen floor not too long ago. I inquired about it, and he confessed to breaking a glass the previous night. When I questioned his decision not to inform me, his response was, "I just cleaned it up and threw it away because I didn't want you to have a conniption fit over it."

While disposing of the trash, I stumbled upon a pair of blue tube socks in the outdoor bin. I inquired about this discovery, questioning why he had chosen to discard them. "They accidentally got in the wash with my jeans. Every time I put in laundry, you feel the need to remind me not to mix colors and whites. I didn't want you to see them and reinforce your obvious belief that I don't know how to wash clothes after 35 years."

Consequently, it reached a juncture where he found it more preferable or simply less complicated to conceal things rather than confess to a human mistake. What sort of atmosphere have I fostered that leads him to believe he's not permitted to err?

Now, let's consider these "transgressions": a shattered glass and a pair of discarded blue tube socks. Both are ordinary errors that anyone could have made. Yet, he was correct. With the glass incident, I not only highlighted his clumsiness in breaking it but also, upon discovering the glass shard, his rather feeble attempt at cleaning it up. In the case of the socks, even though he plainly stated it was unintentional, I took it upon myself to deliver a verbal lecture about the importance of being more attentive while sorting clothes. Whenever such situations arise, he'll endure it momentarily, only to respond eventually with a remark like, "I guess it just doesn't matter that much to me."

However, over time, I started perceiving it from my perspective as if he were indifferent to my contentment and making an effort to align with my preferred ways of doing things. This perception began to take shape, resembling the notion that "this thing that has you so upset is a small detail, or a matter of opinion, or a preference, and I don't see why you're making it such a big deal."

I began reflecting on the patterns I had noticed in my friends' relationships, along with the grievances my female friends would voice about their spouses. It dawned on me that my experiences were not isolated. Somewhere along the line, numerous women had embraced the idea that the Wife Always Knows Best. This notion has even been perpetuated by a phrase that underscores it: "Happy wife, happy life."

It's a readily accessible stereotype to adopt. Observe the media: films, television, commercials – they're replete with depictions of bumbling husbands and resourceful wives. He's inept at cooking. He struggles with childcare. If you entrust him with a shopping list of three items, he'll return with only two, both of which will be incorrect. This recurring portrayal is evident time and again.

The incessant nagging and continual criticism convey a message to our husbands that communicates: "we don't respect you. We don't think you're smart enough to do things right. We expect you to mess up. And when you do, you'll be called out on it swiftly and without reservation." Subject to such consistent negative reinforcement, he starts perceiving that nothing he does meets your approval. If he possesses self-assuredness and a strong sense of identity, he might develop resentment towards you. On the other hand, if he's uncertain about himself, he could internalize your critiques, leading to a self-fulfilling prophecy. Neither scenario is favorable or advantageous for you, him, or the marriage.

Have I ever subjected my husband to the same treatment? Just as I'm certain there are countless women who never engage in this sort of behavior towards their husbands, I'm equally sure there are men who treat their wives similarly. However, I don't consider it a typical trait of men. As I sat pondering, it became clear that my husband hadn't exhibited the same conduct towards me. I even recollected instances when I genuinely made mistakes. Like the time I accidentally scraped the car while backing into the gate? He never mentioned it. Or the occasion when I got absorbed in a call from my mom while cooking and ended up burning the meal to a crisp? He just said, "We can just order a pizza." Remember the time I attempted to assemble the new patio furniture and left his high-quality tools out in the rain?

I couldn't help but cringe at the thought of what my reaction would have been if the roles were reversed, and he had committed those blunders.

Is he simply a more virtuous individual than I am? Why doesn't he snap at me when I don't handle things according to his preferences? I'd be naive to assume it never occurs. However, I can't recall a single instance when he pointed it out to me. It's apparent that he isn't as focused on altering my approach. But what's the reason behind this difference in behavior?

Perhaps I should accept what he's always stated at its surface value. The reality that these minor matters "really don't matter that much to him."

The fact that these minor details "don't hold great significance for him" shouldn't be interpreted as a reflection of his laziness, inability to adapt, or disregard for my desires. Maybe, to him, these small particulars simply don't hold as much weight in his mind, and rightly so. They're not matters that warrant starting conflicts. They're not areas he needs to alter about me. This certainly doesn't imply he's unintelligent or incapable. He's just not as preoccupied with certain nuances as I tend to be. This is why he remains composed when the roles are reversed.

Ultimately, what it all comes down to is that I selected him as my life partner. He isn't here to serve me, work for me, or be treated like my child. I didn't perceive him as unintelligent when I made the decision to marry him – if I had, I wouldn't have chosen him. There's no necessity for me to scold him simply because I might disagree with his approach to certain matters.

When I reached that mental juncture, it triggered a reflection on all the admirable aspects of him. He possesses intelligence, exemplifies goodness, demonstrates unwavering dedication, exhibits exceptional care for the kids, and consistently contributes to household chores (even if not always aligned with my preferences!). Furthermore, he doesn't criticize me when I slip up or approach things differently from him; he's consistently open to my methods. Moreover, if he recognizes that I favor a particular approach, he endeavors to recall it for the future. Instead of emphasizing these commendable attributes, I fixated on the negative aspects. I recognize that I'm not isolated in this mindset.

If we persist in our efforts to belittle, ridicule, or portray our husbands as incompetent just because they occasionally make mistakes (and by "mistakes," I also mean "approach things differently from us"), it's inevitable that they will gradually withdraw from attempting to contribute. Even worse, they might begin internalizing these labels as accurate descriptions of themselves.

In my situation, I'm referring to my husband of over 12 years. This is the same individual who, without expecting any gratitude, changed my car tire in the pouring rain. He's the one who patiently taught our children how to ride bicycles. He's the individual who stood by my side throughout the night at the hospital when my mother fell ill. This is the man who consistently put in tremendous effort to secure a respectable livelihood and provide for his family.

He's adept at changing the car's oil, proficient in reinstalling my computer's operating system, readily assists with lifting heavy items and loosening stubborn jar lids. He diligently clears the sidewalk of snow. He's skilled at installing ceiling fans and rectifying a constantly running toilet. I, on the other hand, lack the capability (or inclination) to perform any of these tasks. Yet, I find myself criticizing him over a misplaced dish. He's a commendable individual who consistently goes out of his way for me, and it's unjust to subject him to scrutiny over trivial matters that hold little significance in the grand scheme of things.

Since my realization, I make a conscious effort to halt myself when I feel the urge to nag. I can't claim complete consistency, but I can definitely attest to significant improvement. This small alteration has had a notable positive impact on our relationship. There's a greater sense of ease and harmony, as we appear to be getting along more smoothly. It seems we're both gradually transitioning from viewing each other as adversaries to embracing the role of trusted partners in our daily lives. I've even reached the point of acknowledging that occasionally his methods might actually be superior!

A partnership involves the contributions of both individuals. Perfection isn't exclusive to one party or the other, and absolutes of right or wrong don't prevail. Disagreements are bound to arise, even over minor matters. Constantly highlighting every detail that doesn't align with your preferences doesn't signify intelligence, superiority, or correctness. Ladies, keep in mind, it's just hamburger meat.