Published in May 2018 / Updated in Aug 2021
I am not any man’s backup plan, and I deserve to be more than a “second choice.” Maybe there is a man in your life where the timing is wrong, and things never entirely move in the relationship direction. Perhaps he’s been your best friend, and everyone knows you should be together, except for him. If any of these things are happening to you, then you might be the “backup girlfriend.”
If there seem to be false explanations over and over again why he is unable to commit to you at this moment, then this is a red flag. Maybe he found a new job or is wrapped up in moving across town. Eventually, he gets around to call you. Are you waiting by the phone anxiously to hear his voice, only to be disappointed?
His charm and charisma can carry a lot of weight. We all know the guy who can convince us they are a catch. Maybe it’s the way he compliments you or tells you how much you mean to him without following up with actions. Don’t ever overlook his actions because a man will always invest in what he truly wants.
He seems to follow your social media posts religiously. Liking, commenting, joking, and making it appear that he is always there keeping tabs on you and watching from afar, waiting for the perfect timing to profess his feelings, that never seem to come.
Exes can sometimes cloud a man’s judgment, and he can hang on to the thoughts of what could have been with an obvious Miss Wrong. You seem always to be the one who he talks to about past breakups, but try to make him see that there is a future after heartbreak. He is just oblivious to the fact he could find a long-lasting connection with you.
Maybe he feels that the timing of your relationship would not work, or he is afraid to be happy.
A guy who keeps you as a “backup girlfriend” seems to always communicate with you, even if it is inconvenient or takes a considerable amount of effort, for example, going across town to see you. Why would anyone go out of their way to see you and then not commit? He wants to keep the connection alive and string you along, so you are there waiting for him when he is ready for you.
Unless you see what’s going on with the two of you and this powerful hold on you, then it could go on for years. You have to open your eyes and see the forest for the trees. He is probably perfectly happy keeping you within arms reach unless you offer an ultimatum or something “better” catches his attention.
If he makes comments like “Kenzie, if ten years go by and neither of us is married, we will just marry each other.” If he is always talking about some fantasy future with you, he is not seriously invested in YOU. He wants you as his backup plan. You’re better off telling him it’s never going to happen and move on.
A guy who sees you as his backup plan may never be ready for a serious commitment to you, and he expects you to wait around and always be there. You could be missing out on a man who is willing to make you his whole world, not just a part-time maybe.
Be assertive in what you require and don’t settle for anything less than that. He might get his act together and realize he loves you. Some men spend a lifetime searching for what was in front of them the whole time. Don’t be afraid to cut him loose and find out what you want, even after years of being the backup girlfriend.