Why Is My Ex-Boyfriend Acting Hot And Cold? (How To Decrypt His Actions)

The behavior of our former partners can be difficult to understand at times. Some of these behaviors may be predictable, such as being mean or avoiding contact.

However, other actions can be particularly bewildering. One of the most perplexing things that an ex could do is exhibit a hot and cold demeanor towards you.

If you find yourself asking, "Why is my ex-boyfriend acting hot and cold?" finding an answer might be difficult.

Don't worry, though, as we will assist in deciphering this unusual behavior and formulating a plan of action.


If you haven't encountered this situation before or are unsure if it's what you're experiencing, we'll clarify it for you.

When an ex is acting hot and cold, it essentially means that they are attentive to you one day and then completely ignoring you the next. They may be passionate at times and then give you the cold shoulder shortly after.

For instance, they might text you frequently, flirt with you, and make you feel like you're in a relationship again. Suddenly, they seem to disappear without a trace and leave you hanging.

Alternatively, they might make plans to see you and appear genuinely excited about it. However, for no apparent reason, they may cancel the plans without warning and not make any effort to reschedule.


He's Seeking Validation From You…and Leaves When He Gets It

To get the most unpleasant scenario out of the way, they may be using you for validation.

We all go through periods of insecurity, especially after a breakup. You may feel like you're not good enough, especially if you were the one who was dumped.

Your ex-boyfriend could be experiencing the same feelings. If they are insecure, you might be an easy source of confidence.

If they know that you still have feelings for them, they might engage in some light, meaningless flirting with you. Once they have confirmed that they are still desirable, they might not see a need to continue the conversation.

He Still Has Feelings For You

Your feelings for your ex don't simply disappear after the end of the relationship. It takes time to heal, and the length of time varies from person to person.

Due to this, your ex-boyfriend might still have feelings for you. When those feelings are particularly strong, they may not be able to resist reaching out to you.

Later, after some reflection, they might realize that talking to you is not the best for their healing process. That's why they may give you the cold shoulder.

Want to make the most of the times they do talk to you? With only your phone and a few texting skills, you can keep them intrigued.

To learn how, we suggest exploring relationship coach Amy North's Text Chemistry program. It was designed specifically to teach women how to make men swoon through text messages.

He's Trying To Get Over You

If you have agreed to maintain a friendship after the breakup, he may have to put in a lot of effort to get over you. Having constant communication with you can make this challenging.

That's why many ex-couples opt for a clean break once their relationship comes to an end. Being in contact with someone you just broke up with can bring back feelings that you are still trying to heal from.

If talking to you is causing him pain, disconnecting from you may seem like the easiest solution, even if it's impolite.

Sometimes, He Misses You

He may believe he has completely moved on from you, but suddenly something about you pops up in his mind, causing him to miss you deeply.

Before he can change his mind, he initiates a conversation with you, getting lost in the memories and appearing more affectionate than he intended, which may also evoke feelings in you.

The end of a relationship often leads to grieving, which involves longing for the past, even if one is generally content with their life.

As this longing subsides, we often look back and reflect on our own actions. Your ex-boyfriend may have gone through the same process.

He's Trying To Process His Thoughts And Feelings

The healing process is not always straightforward, with many ups and downs and backtracks along the way.

To put it differently, healing is not a straight line but rather a wavy, uneven journey, and your ex-boyfriend will also need to go through it.

Part of his healing may include communicating with you and then distancing himself again when the pain becomes too much. This is a normal but difficult experience.


Have you heard the saying that cooler heads prevail? This means that we make better decisions when we are calm and level-headed.

This also applies to romantic relationships. To begin with, it's important to create some distance between you and him, especially if you're still battling your feelings.

Many relationship experts recommend taking a no-contact period. Determine the length of time that you'll go without communicating with your ex and stick to it.

Although it won't be easy, you'll be grateful that you did it in the end.

Work On Self-improvement

How do you manage the time during your no-contact period when you can't stop thinking about your ex? It can feel like pure agony.

To help you through this period, focus on self-improvement. Start by giving yourself time to grieve and taking it easy. Get some rest and relaxation.

Once you've regained some energy, channel it into self-improvement. This doesn't have to be anything drastic like weightlifting or returning to school.

You can start with small things. Try to pick up a hobby that you've always wanted to try. Consider practicing meditation or yoga if you need help managing anxiety.

Embrace the great outdoors by going for a hike. Spend quality time with those close to you. Engage in activities that make you feel healthy, watch yourself thrive.

Your ex will be astounded by the transformation you'll undergo if you choose to reconnect with them in the future.

When You Interact With Him Again, Put Your Best Foot Forward

Now is the time to leverage all your self-improvement. If you still feel the desire to talk to your ex after your no-contact period, then proceed with caution.

Make sure you present yourself in the best light possible. Demonstrate that you didn't spend the entire time pining for them.

When you reach out, aim to keep the conversation light and easy. Avoid diving into heavy topics or pressuring them into getting back together.

Instead, ask how they've been, share any new hobbies you've taken up. Your goal is to show that you've grown and to keep the conversation flowing.

Set Your Standards, And Stick To Them

As you talk to your ex, establish standards for both yourself and them.

For instance, you could decide not to tolerate rude, cold, or one-word answers. You could also set boundaries for flirting if you're not comfortable with the idea of being romantic with them so soon.

As for standards for yourself, promise not to chase them or put in all the effort in the conversation. The boundaries you set are entirely up to you, but make sure to stick to them or they're meaningless.

By establishing your standards, you guarantee that you receive what you want from the relationship and that you're treated with respect.

Make Him Work For Your Attention

Whatever you decide, avoid desperation. Don't put yourself in a position where you're throwing yourself at their feet, whether you're looking to rekindle the relationship or just remain friends.

Desperation is not attractive, and no one can pull it off, so don't put yourself in that situation.

If you find yourself struggling to keep them talking to you, the solution is simple: set your phone aside and tell them you have to go, even if you don't. This will give them time to think.

Sometimes, let them text you first. During the conversation, don't always respond immediately.

These actions will encourage them to step up their conversational game. They'll realize they need to put in the effort to keep your interest. If they care enough, they'll have no problem doing so.