Why Bad Relationships Happen To Good Women: Optimism Meets Toxicity
Published in Oct 2019 / Updated in Oct 2021
We would all like to know: why do perfectly good women, women who can have an endless selection of good men, end up in bad relationships?
Really, how does this happen?
I mean, this woman seems to have things figured out. She seems to know what she wants and what to expect in a relationship.
Her presence is charming and magnetic, and she seems like a pretty good judge of character.
So, why does she settle for a toxic jerk and pass up all those good men in her path?
Her beauty is not just superficial, you can see that it comes from deep within her soul. She is always lending a hand, cheering up, laughing, forgiving… we all envy her boundless positive energy.
Then she does the unthinkable. She gets into a relationship with a guy the entire world can see is a jerk from the mile off.
The next thing you know, the fire in her is dimmed. The laugh gives way to an occasional chuckle. The confident, bold look is replaced by a downcast face. The woman who seems to enjoy every moment of life now seems to ponder every moment that passes with a bit of sorrow.
It's because she has failed.
She could not pass on her positive energy to him. She cannot make him happy, and she thinks it's all her fault.
You know she tried, because you know the person she is and you saw all the effort she made.
When you go right up to her and ask her about it, she will insist she is doing fine.
"You don't know the first thing about him," she says. But her tone of voice tells you something else. She is not talking about what he is like, but what she hopes he was like.
She thinks she can make him change and become a better person. "He needs me," she insists. Therefore, she cannot leave.
You know she deserves better, On some level, she does too
Why doesn't she just walk away?
The answer: she is an optimist. She sees the best even when the worst is right before her eyes.
You can see the toxic jerk she calls a partner, but she sees the amazing person her love interest could be when he changes.
So, however badly he treats her, she does not relent or falter. In her mind, she believes that tomorrow will be better. She believes one day he will change and it will all be worth it.
That's beautiful, right? Admit it, it's also heartbreaking, isn't it?
The worst part is that the toxic guy in her life knows that she will stick around regardless of how badly he treats her. He is well-aware that she is an eternal optimist and that she expects that tomorrow he will change.
He counts on her mistaking one issue for another. That will help him have control over her while doing the bare minimum to maintain the relationship.
He also knows what to say to make her think "he's making progress." Just a simple act will make her forget all the horrors he has put her through and she will keep expecting an ideal that will never be.
And in that manner, he keeps her close. She wastes the best years of her life on him, and he has no interest in changing.
She holds on, not knowing that things will never improve
Optimistic women are fighters, and they don't give up easily. When things are hard, they make themselves even tougher through self-motivation.
They see the good side to every situation, however universally bad everyone knows it is. That is why they can stay in unhealthy relationships for years, despite all the warnings from friends and family.
Don't get it wrong: being willing to look back on our behaviors and change is a great thing. We should all do it. But for a woman who is so optimistic and confident in her ability to turn a loser into a winner, few things can be as toxic as trying to change.
Some people have no shred of goodness in them. Their goal is to exploit other people for their own gain.
An optimistic woman's enormous trust in the power of change makes her easily fooled by the antics of a toxic man. He knows that the thing she expects the most out of relationships is change.
This woman is not even above blaming herself and trying to work on herself hoping her relationship will change. She will even visit a therapist to achieve this.
She is blind to the fact that as long as she will do all the changes for the sake of the relationship, her toxic partner won't have to lift a finger.
That's why he blames her. She tells her she needs to change, and she buys it. This time, she works on another aspect of her 'broken' personality. Maybe it's her neediness because she calls too much.
In her endless optimism, she does not realize that she is a pawn in a sick and twisted game that has no possible happy ending for her.
She constantly gets exploited for her strengths, and they are used against her
The partner abuses her financially, makes her fear for her children, and even distances her from loved ones.
Her greatest gift, optimism, turns her into a victim.
When the partner mistreats her, this woman will be the first to defend him. And he keeps at it because he knows he can get away with it.
And you know what the worst part is? Therapists can't help much. By nature, their job is trying to find what's wrong with their patients.
So, when a perfect optimistic woman pays them a visit, they can find nothing wrong. This woman has no self-esteem issues, daddy issues, codependence problems, abandonment issues, and a host of other troubles that ail patients seeking therapy.
This woman will often be quite successful in other areas of her life. Her energy and undying spirit have helped her succeed in other aspects of her life, and she thinks it will give her the same outcome in her relationship.
So yes. She is trying everything she can. But after all those countless attempts to make a bad relationship work, she might eventually realize that the problem is her toxic partner.
She will be baffled that she was blind to all the devastating toxic reality she called a life for so long.
The worst part about that is that doubts will be cast on her optimism. She will have to accept that her faith that there is good in every person was misplaced.
She will feel horrible that she would give up so much just to make a relationship work.
I am one of them, so I know what I am talking about.
I am here to tell you, don't give up, I know what you have been through because I have been there
The same optimism that makes you cling to unhealthy relationships can help you build a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
So, don't feel bad for being an optimistic woman. It's a wonderful trait desired by many, and it can help you achieve a lot of wonderful things in life.