Setting Boundaries...If you're googling this sentence this article right here is the LESSON that you need to learn. This is the big old blinking light staring you in the face saying...LISTEN TO YOUR GUT, NOT YOUR HEAD, AND NOT YOUR HEART. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO DO!
It's been a long time since I have sat down and really thought about this topic. I am writing this article in the exact same position and the exact same condition I was in when I was writing my confessions.
I have a friend texting me, asking me questions that I just don't want to answer. My phone is dying and my laptop is halfway there. This was always the time I felt that my words were precious, real, and raw.
What this moment in my life needs right now is a glass of wine, my laptop charger, and some good tunes... then I could really get back into writing my confessions. But alas, here we are again and I do not feel like going back to the very beginning and catching everyone up. So you will have to do with a recent story.
Okay...I'll put on some tunes. There's been a little inner turmoil because I didn't want to be writing this article but I know I have to. The last time I wrote an article like this was my letter to destiny. So, for this to be the first song that I listened to after getting a certain message the day before yesterday, I knew what it meant.
I knew that my resolve and anger instantly faded away and I was right back in that moment. I knew that the moment I saw the friend's request and the message, the veil was lifted for a single moment, and I saw him again.
I saw the first person to see me. I was 17 working in a world of men and women in their 20s and 30s and could hold my own. When that veil lifted my heart melted and I knew there was not a damn thing I could do to stop what was going to happen next.
So, I have never much liked Taylor Swift but John Mayer's music is to me what John Mayer is to Taylor Swift - something that I connect with that is painful and beautiful. I have two songs for this article, but being true to myself and to the essence of why I am here... Heartbreak Warfare is exactly where I feel I am when it comes to setting boundaries with this man.
I have never ever been good at setting boundaries with people. I just let people in and just give them everything, only to suffer the consequences later. I always have. I tortured myself to the point where I had to actually sit down and write a journal about it to try and un-tangle it.
It was after 6 years of pure self-sabotage and the biggest ride of my life that I decided I had to share it. I craved the catharsis of it all. There was no bigger desire in my life than to shed the skin I was in through writing. I think I am back there now but I am trying to do something positive with it this time.
I sold all but my soul to a publisher I have nothing but wonderful things to say about, and I lost my voice in the process. Writing became a job and not a way to release it all back into the universe.
I am choosing not to carry every one of those pieces of Louis Vuitton luggage full of emotional damage by myself, and hoping that in the process that those reading my confessions could also find some forgiveness in themselves because they weren't alone.
This man, however, I can't even give him a cover name in this article like I did with my book. This man is one single person in this whole world that I should be completely and utterly blocked from and that's why I am writing this article. You may be, just like me, looking for answers as to why you can't set healthy boundaries with certain people... and what that actually means. Well, you already know the answer to that, and it's the same reason I don't want to text back my best friend and have now left her on read.
I got a message the day before yesterday on Facebook from a man who had randomly blocked me after we slept together. We had known each other since I was 17 years old and we had been down this road so many times before I just knew the moment he unblocked me I was about to slide into the abyss. My heart sank. I honestly thought this person would NEVER contact me again after the last message I had sent them. He had utterly destroyed me.
Knowing this person for so long, I was the most honest, raw, transparent, and vulnerable I had ever been in my life with him and I felt that he felt the same too. It was a different time in our lives but there's something about its purity I will never be able to explain. There has always been pure honest emotion there.
I was 17 and I met someone who would come to shape the foundation of the type of person I wanted to be with. Because I sabotaged the chance of ever having it with this person once, that fracture in the foundation of purity has just become something I cannot ignore. I have to find my way through and come out the other side still clutching the very few pieces of myself that I have managed to pick up and glue back together from last time...still intact. It's a mission impossible that I know has to become possible.
Have you ever had that kind of connection with someone that you didn't even need to be in their presence to feel them? I did. I would wake up in the morning to a message from him and my heart would just flutter and my day would be perfect.
He was the first person I heard from in the morning and the last person I spoke to at night. We knew every single thing about each other. There were no limits, no boundaries - just life and no judgment. You know how with some people there are little things that they do that you hate, I never saw any of that with him.
He was perfect to me in every single way.
I could never wait to see him, talk to him, and be with him. But in the time that I wasn't, we just talked about everything. Life, stories, intimacy, movies, music, art...but never sex. He was the gentleman that I craved. Don't get me wrong he was cheeky but he was never brash with it.
I felt like a woman who was poised and polished with an edge that I knew screamed sexuality that I never had to even bring it up. I knew men wanted to sleep with me and they never knew where I stood with them so they worked hard to try and win me over. That was the game we all played.
With this man, I immediately knew what I wanted with him, there was no doubt in my mind that he was the person for me... I dropped the match, and that lit the fire that made it all come crumbling down around me.
Now the house has been attempted to be rebuilt a few times between us. I took responsibility for my actions and over the years, we've had traumas that just changed us as individuals. I feel my heart skip a beat and experience a moment of pure fear at the same time when he comes back into my life. He is never permanent and every time he disappears I lose a little more of myself in the process.
I know the hatred and pain are fading every time. I read each message with bated breath... just dying on the inside knowing I cannot walk away from this person unscathed... knowing at that moment that the floor of the elevator just dropped out underneath me and I am just free falling to the ground.
He swears that, at the moment, it's different, and something about this just feels different...but I know it's not. I know deep down, in my heart, in my soul, that it's going to end exactly the same way. He has bipolar and I have such a deep-seated level of anxiety that inconsistencies of this magnitude are more than I can handle and yet I never learn the lesson. So I am repeating the same cycle. How can I repeat the same cycle and expect a different outcome?
So here I sit now, 14 months after the last time he ghosted me...after the first time I ever slept with him, 12 years after we had med, 3 times after we had connected and disconnected, repeating the same cycle and built a whole new connection on top of what we already had...12 years between it all. I fell through that elevator floor again, only this time I took a parachute...and I'm about to pull the rip cord.
This is the song I dedicate to the memory of this person in my life.
I feel his distance. I know he's fighting a fight with his health that I know will probably kill me. I genuinely, with all my heart, love this person for everything that they are. He is my friend and he has been a lover but most of all, he is a human being who touched my heart and held me close at a time when I needed it the most.
He showed me what I deserved in a man at one point in my life...and I need to figure out a way to allow myself to be treated like that again. I put boundaries up with people I know are good to me, walls so they can't get too close because I know if I let myself be real with them and they walk away that's the ultimate rejection. I sabotaged relationships with people I deserve in my life, for the people who I shouldn't.
So now I sit here at 10:15 pm at night, the night after his physical return to my life, after a conversation that was unlike any other but exactly the same as them all. He left promises of a tomorrow that would never come. I knew this in my heart but I tried to maintain hope, that maybe, just maybe...I was enough.
We were supposed to have plans for today but I never heard from him. This kills me because I realized he could be in a mania. He said all the right things, the same things he said last time, but I still wanted to hope that this time was different.
He didn't say anything heavy, but just said: "How was your day?" It didn't take long for me to realize he's in a cycle. I don't give it too long until the cycle has repeated itself between us and I think this time, I have to be the one to make the end permanent. He told me so.
I have no idea why I deserve to have my heart trampled on. What have I done in this life to deserve that? I want to leave right here. I just don't want to feel that pain again. If you're going through something where you just can't explain what it is that makes you deserve it... leave it right here.
Put the bag down and step away slowly and carefully. Turn around, walk away, and don't look back. That bag is not for you to carry, that bag is your anxiety, it's your boundaries and you're surrounding yourself with walls of pain and suffering, it's time you find out who you are without them.