Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the counter with a great smile on his face.
Dave says, "John, what are you so happy for?"

"Well, Dave, I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, and a redhead came up to me… tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here!

She says, "Can I have a ride in your boat?" I said, 'Sure, you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave, she couldn't swim!!."

The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the counter with a bigger smile on his face.

Dave says, "What are you so happy about today, John?"
"Well, Dave… I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me… tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She said, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'"

"Sure, you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key, and I said. 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim!!, Dave, she couldn't swim!!!!."

A couple of days pass, and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there crying over a beer.
Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?"

"Well, Dave, I gotta tell ya…. Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, and the most alluring brunette came up to me… Tits WAY out to here, Dave, tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' 'Sure, you can have a ride in my boat.'"

So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out… much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits, and said, 'It's either screw or swim!!'. Then, she pulled down her pants…. She had a dick, Dave!!! She had an enormous BIG dick!!! …..

…. Dave, ….. I CAN'T SWIM!!!"

The Farmer's New Rooster

A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmer's hens. The farmer is impressed.

At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore, he is worried. The following day, not only is the rooster screwing the hens, but he is screwing the turkeys, ducks even the cow.

Later the farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead, and vultures circling overhead. The farmer runs out, looks down at the young rooster's limp body, and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!"

And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, "Shhhh! they are about to land."

The Facelift

A woman decided to have a facelift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt good about the results. On her way home, she stopped at a dress shop to look around.

As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," he replied. "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that, she went to McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29." "I am actually 47!" she said, feeling good.

While standing at the bus stop, she asked an older man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt, I will be able to tell your exact age."

No one was around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling her around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47." Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

The Anniversary

A man and a woman were approaching their 50th wedding anniversary. To celebrate, the woman decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband.

Then he said they should do what they did on their wedding night and eat at the dinner table naked. The woman agreed. On their anniversary night, at the table, the woman says, "Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were 50 years ago."

The man replies, "Madge, hon, that's because they are sitting in your soup."