Vodka, 3 mice, a cat, and a stick, what do they have in common? They're all part of the dirty jokes we have in store for you today.
Sit back, and grab a friend or two to share the laughs with. Don't forget to come back tomorrow for more side-splitting dirty funnies.
P*ssing Vodka
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned, and the Genie says, "Hello, master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally, the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it.
He looks in the glass, and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a sip, and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted. The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!"
She comes running down the hall, and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted.
The two drink and party all night. The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent, and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.
Finally, Friday night comes, and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha, grab one glass from the cupboard, and we will drink vodka. "His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass, and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?"
Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle!"
Tough Mice
There were three city mice sitting at a bar. The first mouse takes a shot of tequila, slams the glass on the table, and says, "I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I walk throughout the house collecting mouse poison, return to my nest and grind up the pellets with my morning coffee -- just for an extra jolt to start off each day." The mice look at each other.
The second mouse slams his whiskey --throws his glass on the floor, and says, "I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I go up to the trap outside my nest, I trip the lever and make the trap flip in the air, I catch the bar on its way down, bench press it a few times, twirl it over and over with my feet -- then I toss it to the floor, and take the cheese for breakfast. It's all part of my morning routine."
The third mouse looks at the other two. Bored with the conversation, he sets down his glass of beer and says..."I've had enough of you two. I'm going to go home and screw the cat!"
The Golf Lessons
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them is playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway.
The man returns to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway... about 15 ft.
"That was great," the pro says with a straight face.
"Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!"
Nightly Rental
A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500.
Before he leaves the following morning, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office, he regrets what he has done. Realizing that the whole event was not worth the price, he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for the rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied
2) there was plenty of heat
3) it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied. That there wasn't any heat and that it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady.
Send the rent in full, or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.
The Show
A man walks into a brothel. He walks up to the proprietor and says: "What can I get for ten dollars?" The proprietor says: "Go up the stairs, first room on the right."
The man walks into the room, sits on the bed, and notices a small door at the bottom of one of the walls. The door opens up, and a chicken comes walking out. The man has his way with the chicken. The man returns the next day and says to the proprietor: "I didn't really like that, and I'd like a refund."
The proprietor says: "Oh, good sir, trust me. Go up the stairs, but this time go into the first room on the left, and you won't want your ten dollars back."
So the man goes into the room, which is much larger than the other, with theatre-type seating and a giant curtain on one side. A few people are scattered throughout the seats, and the man sits down. The curtain opens up, and it's actually large flat-screen TV and what appears to be a live camera feed of an orgy.
The man leans over to a guy sitting next to him and says: "Man, this is something, huh?" The other guy says: "You should have been here yesterday. Some guy was f*cking a chicken."
Ancient Chinese Torture
A young man was lost wandering in a forest when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.
She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night, he could bear it no longer and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear.
Near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke in the morning with the feeling of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes, he saw a large rock on his chest with a note that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do, then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window, and threw the boulder out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read:
"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic, he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones were better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward, he saw a large sign on the ground that read,
"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to the bedpost."
Spinster's Wishes
The old spinster was rocking on her front porch with her tomcat at her feet when a good fairy suddenly appeared before her and offered her three wishes.
"Aw, go on," the little old lady said in disbelief, "if you can grant three wishes, let's see you turn this rocking chair into a pile of gold?"
The good fairy waved her hand, and "pouf", the rocking chair turned into a pile of pure gold. Her face lighting up, the lady said, "I really get two more wishes?"
"Yes," the good fairy assured her. "Anything your heart desires."
"Then make me into a beautiful, voluptuous young woman." Another wave of her hand and the wish was granted."
Finally, make my faithful old cat into a tall, dark and handsome young man."
The good fairy waved her hand and disappeared as the third wish came true, and a handsome muscular young man stood where the tomcat had just been sleeping. The young man approached the once-old lady, took her in his arms, and murmured... "Now, aren't you sorry you sent me to the vet?"
Sure I Can
There was a farmer sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day when this kid came walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire. "Hey, kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that wire?"
"Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire - I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!" "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" "Sure I can!" the kid says and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day, and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.
Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape. "Hey, kid!" the farmer yells. "Where ya goin' with that tape?" "Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape - I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!" "You can't catch ducks with duck tape!" the farmer yells back. "Sure I can!" the kid says and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day, and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.
The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick. "Hey, kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that stick?" "Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow." "Hang on," the farmer says, "I'll get my hat."
