Published in May 2019 / Updated in Aug 2021
I’m listening to End of the road by Boys To Men and I love the soul and melody of this song. There have been many times that I thought Hugh and I had reached the “End of the road” but something inside me always told me that it wasn’t forever. Every time I feel like I can’t do this anymore, every time I think I could walk away something inside me makes me realise I am not ready to end that chapter of my life…I don’t know if that causes more damage or if its because I haven’t learned what I need to from this experience but whatever it is….I’m prepared to find out.
With Hugh kneeling in front of me I really wasn’t sure what I was going to say so I didn’t plan it. I just said what I felt.
“Hugh, I couldn’t leave you if I tried…and trust me I have tried. It hurts too much. I want to be with you but you are going to need to be patient with me too. I have never had to do this before, I don’t know how to navigate this minefield and I am going to make mistakes. I am going to lose my shit and I am going to be everything that I hate at one point or another but if this is going to work I NEED to know you are here with me and that I am not standing here alone like that little dutch boy with his finger in the dam. My heart can’t take anymore”
He looked at me with eyes of sorrow. Something inside him was broken. I don’t know where it had come from but all of a sudden I felt a massive urge to protect him. He was hurting and I didn’t know how to stop it. His pain seemed to be stemming from me but I wasn’t prepared to lay all my cards on the table and tell him how much I really loved him. I thought if I was to tell him that I would be more vulnerable than I have ever been….and I wasn’t prepared to let that happen. We had been seeing each other for just over a year and yet I still couldn’t trust that it was real.
He took my hands in his and kissed them softly. I bent down and rested my chin on this head. He exhaled a deep and long breath before pulling away, standing up, and walking out of the bedroom, leaving me kneeling on the edge of the bed gobsmacked. I wasn’t sure what had just happened. I felt like I had just been slapped in the face. I was torn, If I told him I loved him then it would cause me more damage than I cared to admit emotionally but if I didn’t say it what was I risking? I heard the bathroom door click and I turned and looked in the direction that he had left in and whispered “I love you Hugh, more than you will ever know” as a single tear ran down my cheek.
After 15 minutes of sitting in the same position, I climbed off the bed and did the only thing that seemed to make sense. I grabbed my bag and started packing. I pulled out my skinny jeans and white blouse and laid them on the bed as I finished packing up my laptop.
I turned towards the bed and noticed that my jeans had fallen to the ground. I bent down to pick them up and noticed a note folded up next to them. I picked the note up and began unfolding it as I placed my jeans back on the bed. The note was in Hugh’s handwriting and was on his stationery.
It contained a number of different business scribbles but there was one scribble at the bottom that was highlighted by being traced over and over again…”Discuss with the lawyer’s terms of Divorce after talking with Ava”. I almost dropped the note. Part of me wanted to tear it up and walk out because I was so angry and I didn’t really know why another part of me wanted to wipe it from my mind and put it back where it was but the most predominant part of me wanted to walk into the bathroom and wrap my arms around him. I couldn’t tell him how I felt but I also knew that I had to let him know somehow that I felt the same.
I put the note back in its place and stood there for a few seconds.
I have always been a closed-off person and I have refused to let myself cause my heart any more misery and that is why I couldn’t tell Hugh how I felt. I preferred to be on the safe side rather than take a chance…so I grabbed my shirt and pants and decided to get changed and leave.
Just as I started putting on my jeans Hugh entered the room. He ran straight over to me at full speed and yanked my jeans from my hands. “Not again Ava, I’m not letting you leave again. You have to stop running”. He pulled me closer and I felt every muscle in my body fighting his hold on me. I tried with all my might to push him away from me but it wasn’t possible. I couldn’t move. Every time I tried to push him away he would hold me tighter until I couldn’t breathe.
“Hugh I can’t be what you need. I am damaged goods, you need someone who can give you everything you need, you deserve better…I can’t be what you need!!!!” I yelled at him fighting everything inside me to embrace the man in front of me.
“Ava you are everything that I need, you are everything that I want. Nothing else compares to the woman you are. I can wait….for a lifetime, for an eternity….whatever it takes, I am here…I’m not going anywhere…I promised you…I will NEVER push your boundaries and I will never break that promise, I wish you could trust that “. He whispered.
I surrendered to his soothing voice and found myself no longer struggling against his hold. I couldn’t understand how we had gone from being so passionate and fun-loving to serious. It’s true when emotions get involved it makes everything confusing.
I let go of Hugh and reluctantly he let go of me. I stood there looking at him, too afraid to speak. I was numb, I couldn’t even think so I just stood there.
Hugh walked around me and pulled down the covers on the bed. He turned off all the lights and picked me up and cradled me in his arms. He placed me gently in bed, placed my hands on my stomach, and pulled the covers up. He turned the television on and placed the remote in my hand. I still didn’t move an inch, I didn’t think…I was frozen.
He walked over to the desk and turned on his laptop. I looked over at this handsome figure and looked at the man that so obviously cared about me and yet I couldn’t open up to him emotionally…It was as though I had forsaken one thing for another. I could finally open up physically but now I couldn’t open up emotionally.
What must have been a few hours later after I had fallen asleep I felt him get into bed. He lay on his stomach on the other side of me. Within minutes I heard the change in his breath which signalled he had fallen asleep and I rolled onto my side to look at him. He was facing away from me and the distance was killing me but I didn’t know what to do. I ran my fingers along his back and kissed his shoulder before whispering “I love you, forever and always…with all my heart”.
I rolled back over and lay on my side of the bed. Just as I started to drift off I felt a violent tug on my arm that pulled me over to Hugh. He wrapped his arms around my stomach as I lay on my side and he kissed my shoulder. He squeezed me tighter and whispered in my ear “I will never hurt you intentionally, please just trust me” and with that, he fell back asleep.
I don’t know if he had heard my admission as we have NEVER spoken of it but what I do know is that I have never felt so safe in my entire life.
At about 1 am I woke and I couldn’t get back to sleep. I rolled over and began kissing Hugh lightly. I ran my fingers down his chest and stomach and could feel his body stir next to mine. He pulled me closer with his eyes still closed and I felt the same burning electricity in his touch that I hadn’t felt in a while. Every time he touched me I felt an electric shock take over my body.
I began to giggle because I knew what I was doing to him and he was still half asleep. I was tormenting this poor soul but I needed to be with him. I kissed him again on his neck and then all hell broke loose. He opened his eyes and the strong look of lust took over my soul as his gaze burned into mine. He wanted me as much as I wanted him. With one swift movement, he climbed on top me of and began kissing my neck, his hands exploring every inch of my body. His hand moved towards my thigh and lifted my baby doll. I felt my body squirm, my back arched towards him and I yearned for more. He lifted my dress above my head and he took off my g-string. He started kissing me from my stomach to my chest and back up to my neck. My flesh was on fire. I was dying for him to enter me. I needed to feel him.
He lifted me with one hand under my lower back and entered me while kissing me passionately. I gasped in ecstasy. Our breaths quickened in sync and I wrapped my arms around his neck pulling him closer to me. I felt every inch of him take over my body, mind, and soul and I wasn’t afraid.
I cried out in pure ecstasy as he quickened his pace sucking my nipples, nibbling my collar bone and my body moved in sync with his feeling, every movement three times more than I would have. Something inside me was letting go of everything I was afraid of.
I sat up in his lap and kissed him ferociously, moving slowly but passionately with him. I could feel every part of my body letting him take me without argument. I knew I loved this man so I wasn’t afraid of him and he had not done anything to show that I shouldn’t trust him. After an hour we climaxed at the same time, drenched in sweat, and collapsed in each other’s arms.
I was completely and utterly blissfully happy but I didn’t know what consequences lay ahead the next day, once I had left him that my mind had in store for me….but at that very moment in time, I didn’t care. For once I had done exactly what I wanted to and nothing had stopped me.
What did happen the next day I will never forget….it would change our entire dynamic forever!