As I sit here writing this confession I am listening to "From This Moment" by Shania Twain.
I have to say growing up I had a really good variety in music. My mother used to listen to music that suited her mood at the time and I grew to do the same thing. All of the songs I have previously posted have been songs that I actually have a connection with and really do tell how I feel about a particular situation or time in my life.
Shania Twain became one of my all-time favourite artists with her music coming straight from the heart...it is because of that you will hear a lot of her in upcoming confessions.
I have always known that there was something missing in my life. I never really knew what it was and the stories I had been told about who my biological father was and the things that he had done were so horrendous that I honestly could not believe that any human being could be capable of such horrid things. When I was younger I was told that he had died and this shattered any hopes that I would get to know him when I grew up. I honestly couldn't believe that I would never know him and deep down I had hoped that he was not the man that I had been lead to believe.
Almost every girl who has been through a similar thing at that age would want to believe that there would come a time that her father would be the perfect person that she wanted, but the hardest thing for me to believe is that if he was as horrible as I had been lead to believe....didn't that mean that I had some of that in me? Was I capable of that too? It scared me so much that I had to find out.
When I turned 18 a friend of my mother's from childhood came back into her life and I met her. I desperately wanted to know what my father was like and had a million questions but I never had the courage to go behind my mother's back and ask this woman. We will call her Melanie.
One day Melanie and her husband and my mother, father, and sister all went bowling. When we walked in and were out of earshot of my parents she turned and looked at me.
"Ava, You look so much like your father". She said.
I almost broke into tears at that very moment. My heart skipped a million beats and everything that I wanted was being handed to me on a golden platter...It was now or never!
"What do you mean....how?" I asked desperately trying to fight my tears.
At that very moment before Melanie could respond my parents returned...Just my luck....but I really couldn't sit here in silence...I HAD to know RIGHT THEN!.... Melanie saw this.
"Do you know where the bathrooms are?" She asked.
"I'll show you" I said mentally already running there.
We walked in silence and as soon as we got out I bombarded her with questions.
She turned to me and said, "Ava, you have his nose and hands". Now I had always been told that I looked like the spitting image of my mother and to be honest, I really do but there was something so different about me that if I hadn't looked so much like my mother I would have sworn I was adopted.
I turned to her half in tears and said "I am just so hurt that I never got the opportunity to meet him and now it's too late...I will never get to see it for myself....you don't happen to have any photos of my mother and father together...were they ever happy?" I said. I had wanted so desperately to just put a face to the name...but what came next split my heart in two.
"Ava, what do you mean it is too late?" She turned and looked at me and stopped washing her hands.
"My nan told me ages ago she got a letter from his parents, my grandparents and he had died...I think at that time a part of me died too" I said trying not to recall the day that my hope had shattered.
"WHAT?, How dare they?, That makes me so angry...Ava, he is still alive!" She yelled.
At that very moment in time, all respect and all the love I had for my grandmother and mother died inside me. A flood of confusion, distrust, and pain descended on me and I literally felt my world crash into a million pieces around me...I felt like the floor was going to swallow me up and I had to hold onto the bench so I didn't float away....my father was still alive!
In that instant, a million thoughts broke into my mind but one will forever stick in my mind...If they could lie to me about this....what else had they lied about?
I felt so alone...more alone than I had ever felt in my life. I felt like I wanted to curl up into a ball, fall asleep and NEVER wake up...I had always trusted them with every single inch of my heart and soul and here I was, standing in a bathroom with a complete stranger and finding out that the two people who had raised me, had loved me, had been there through everything, had lied to me...it made me wonder if they ever truly did love me and also made me realise that no matter how big or small a lie is....you will ALWAYS found out...I felt my soul being torn apart. When the hell was life going to throw me a break?
I was so lost...I was so angry and in that instant, it gave me permission to do the one thing that I had never felt I had the permission to do...Fu*k everyone...I was the only person in this world who had the best intentions for me, I was going on a mission...I was going to find my father....and who cared what anyone thought....how could they have done this to someone they supposedly loved and cared about...I would NEVER have done this to them....so Fu*k them...I HATED them.
I turned to Melanie and it was then that the next bombshell hit me....it was like a minefield and no matter what I did...I was stepping on them.
"This is so heartbreaking. The other day after we met mum asked me to block these two people on Facebook....they were both named Julie*" I said with anger building.
"Ava....one of them is your Aunt!"
I felt the explosion hit me like a freight train...I slid down the bathroom wall with my eyes so wide that I thought they were going to pop out of my head.
Eventually, we went back out, played a game of bowling and I had to go through all of this with all of my new knowledge...I was so cold inside...I actually felt my heart ice over...I was never going to forgive my mother or grandmother....how dare they do this to me and yet preach that lying is bad my entire life...I will never forget being told that if you lie the consequences are worse or you won't get into trouble if you tell the truth but the fact is.....they openly went out and lied to me...
I opened a new Facebook page with only one photo because in the back of my mind I hoped that my family had not lied to me about everything and if they had I would find out.
It took me days to figure out what I was going to do and I felt soooooo broken and hurt...I kept in touch with Melanie and finally bit the bullet...I sent this message to a woman that I so desperately hoped was my aunt with tears streaming down my face as I wrote it, I needed to know who I was and this was the only way I knew how to find myself.....I was going to find out who I was with or without the support of my family and this time...they had NO right to tell me I wasn't allowed to...if they had have been honest from the start....none of this would have happened....and I wouldn't hate them as much as I grew to....what happened next though...I NEVER expected, and my life was NEVER going to be the same...EVER AGAIN!
I'm not sure if you would remember me or if you would even like to know me (my name is Ava) but I have just been told that you are my aunt. That your brother is my father. For as far back as I can remember I was told that my father was no longer alive and that he was not a very nice person. I was told this by 2 people in my family and then I find out from another source that everything that was ever told to me was a lie and my mind was manipulated to believe that he and his family were terrible people. I don't know what happened in the past but I am at an age when I want to know and I deserve to know.
I really hope that this does not upset you and I would understand if you did not want to be a part of my life but I am searching for the family that was taken from me for what seems like no apparent reason, and also I am searching for answers as to why I have never felt complete...I guess not knowing where half of you came from and not knowing who I am doesn't help this.
I hope to hear from you either way. I understand that your mother (my nan) passed away not long ago (another thing that I was not told) and I am truly torn at this as I would have loved the chance to get to know the lady that I was told was so dearly loved and a loving person. I am sincerely apologetic that you and your family have had to suffer this loss.