This year has taught me a lot about myself. I have grown as a person and I have realised what the most important things are in life. I have had the biggest ups and downs with Hugh this year than we have ever had in the entire time we have been on and off together. It has taken me a long time to try and understand why things have gone the way they have gone and that I truly have no control over any of it. My song for the year has to be this one (What doesn't kill you makes you stronger by Kelly Clarkson).
Hugh and I have always had the kind of connection that I think you only have a select number of times in a lifetime if not only once. Since I started this blog I have been inundated with messages from people who are in the same situation, have been in the same situation, have had similar life experiences, or have just been inspired by my story. What I have realised is that we all have life experiences and I have just chosen to share mine with the world. It doesn't mean that mine is any more important than anyone else's it just means that I have decided to turn my pain, laughter, love and everything in between into positive energy that I hope will help people all around the world....so I sit here continuing to write not only for myself but also for all of you. Thank you for supporting me on this journey and I hope you all enjoy the roller coaster ride with me.
I have never really realised why it was that I put myself through something long distance that I could not see a fair outcome to that would benefit me. I think that I have stayed with Hugh because I have never felt this way about someone in my entire life.
The closer I got to Hugh the faster I wanted to run. Not because he had done anything but because my head was telling me that there would never be a positive outcome for Hugh and me. I was so petrified that I would be left to pick up the pieces of my broken heart that my walls always remained half up.
Two weeks after our conversation I flew into town to see Hugh and also because I had a business meeting. After my business meeting, I decided to go shopping. I had never cooked for Hugh before and decided that I wanted to. The problem was I didn't know what I wanted to cook.
I called Hugh and told him that I was going to be cooking for him and he replied really quickly saying not to worry, that we would go out for dinner. I wasn't having it. I WANTED to cook for him but because of his East Mediterranean nationality and the kinds of foods they cooked I was very nervous that what I would make wouldn't live up to the mouthwatering tastes of his standards for a home-cooked meal.
After getting all the ingredients I needed my mother stayed on the phone with me to run through the process of actually cooking it with me. I was so nervous. I had no idea what I was doing but it looked like it was going to end up tasting ok.
After two hours of cooking I had to let it simmer......only time would tell if it was edible or not!
I went upstairs to the apartment I had booked...I stayed there so often that each staff member and the managers always greeted me at check-in and they knew exactly which suite I liked so I never had to worry about telling them....and I ALWAYS got that suite. It was by far the biggest and the best.
I walked into the bathroom and ran the shower. I stripped down, united my hair from the bun on top of my head, and wrapped a towel around my body as I walked into the bedroom. I opened the draws and pulled out what I planned to wear for the night.
Over the time that Hugh and I had been together, I had accumulated several lingerie items from bras and underwear to corsets, garters, and even a pure silk Japanese robe. The only reason I accepted these items is that a) I learned early on that if I didn't it would offend him BIG time and b) it was totally more for him than it was for me, and ultimately I wanted to please him so I didn't see the harm.
I had chosen what I would wear and laid it out on the bed. I couldn't wait to see his reaction when I answered the door.
I jumped into the shower, washed my hair, and washed my body with Vanilla body wash. It is an incredible smell that sticks to your skin if you exfoliate.
When I stepped out of the shower my phone rang. Hugh had called to say he was going to be late....perfect was all I could think. I knew it was going to be a time crunch and this gave me plenty of time.
I checked on dinner and turned it down to a low simmer before running back up to the bathroom. I took my time while I put on my makeup, straightened my hair, and made myself feel and look glamorous.
I walked into the bedroom and as I looked at my outfit I started getting a little nervous!
I picked up my black and red corset and put it on, it took me 20 minutes to do it up as it really was a 2 person job. It was an old-style corset that I had to wrap around the towel railing to pull in tighter.
Startled, I looked at my reflection in the mirror. I could barely breathe but even I have to say I was a knockout. My chest looked twice the size it normally did and sat quite high and the corset really accentuated my figure. I pulled on my thigh-high black stockings and secured them to my garter. I put on my Swarovski crystal and pearl heels that added incredible height to me.
I had purchased a beautiful cream coloured cotton trench coat. I grabbed that off the bed and walked downstairs. I felt every bit as glamorous as I looked and I knew from the moment that he walked in the doors that I would drive him crazy.
As I set the table my phone vibrated. I walked over to the bench and picked it up to find a message from a friend of mine...When I say friend I mean ex and when I say ex I mean one of the most incredible people I had ever met....the only reason we hadn't worked out was that (and I know this is going to sound really stupid) he was too innocent. I knew that if we had have stayed as a couple that I would tear him apart with my insecurities. He was one of the most amazing men I had ever met but he was so innocent and pure and I was far from that.
"Ava, I know that you haven't wanted to hear anything I have had to say about Hugh but I need to tell you something. I have done a little digging about Hugh. You know I would be the first person to say if there was something that you need to be worried about but I want you to know that what my contacts have found out is that he really does care about you. He isn't with her anymore, If it wasn't for his culture and their strong belief in marriage he wouldn't be with her. I hope this can put your mind at ease and that you can finally allow yourself to be happy. No matter what has happened between us all I have ever wanted is for you to be happy and I want to have you in my life forever....in any capacity."
I had to read the message time and time again just to ensure that my eyes weren't playing tricks on me. He HATED Hugh (even though he would never say it) and yet here he was telling me he was a great guy? I was totally confused.
I finished setting the table while I contemplated how I was going to respond and just as I realised what I wanted to write my phone began ringing. It was Hugh.
I answered and realised that my palms were sweating.
"Hey you" I said as I answered the phone.
"Hello baby. I am at the reception. Did you want to come and get me?".....That was going to be a little hard in what I was wearing.
"I kind of can't. I'm cooking. Come around the corner, I will text you my apartment number"
"Ok Baby. I will be there in a minute".
I hung up and felt my heart began to race.
I ran to the mirror, checked my appearance, and put on the trench coat. It came down to just above my knees...perfect! I applied a thin layer of clear lipgloss and just as I put it back in my handbag the doorbell rang.
I buzzed him in through the wooden security gate and when I heard it click I opened the front door.
His head was down and when he spotted me he stopped dead in his tracks.
"Ava!!!!" he said, his eyes WIDE open.
He walked straight towards me, placed his hand around my waist, and pulled me in so hard that I actually knocked against his body with force. He held me at arm's length and gave me the once over.
We walked into the apartment. As I walked into the kitchen Hugh took off his business jacket and threw it over the back of the couch in the lounge room.
I could feel him watching me as I walked into the kitchen.
"My GOD Ava, Now I know why you couldn't come and get me!....Let me have a look at you!"
Before I entered the kitchen I threw him a look over my shoulder and a cheeky smile before calling out "Patience is a virtue...you can wait until after dinner."
I was standing in the kitchen about to dish out dinner when I felt him slip in behind me, he began kissing my neck and placed his hands tenderly around my waist before I realised what he was doing. He ran his hands around the front of my coat trying to undo the buttons. I dropped the ladle and smacked his hands playfully....."Wait until after dinner!" I said jokingly as I pushed his hands away.
"Arrgh...you are going to KILL me Ava!" He said with a smile in his voice and a tone that was entwined with lust and hunger.
I dished up the beautiful Italian dinner that had taken me hours to prepare and we sat down together.
He wouldn't stop looking at me. I couldn't stop blushing because I could feel his gaze and hunger burning into my flesh.
He leaned over the table and tried again to loosen my coat. I smacked his hand playfully again and laughed because I knew I wouldn't be able to hold on much longer myself. He looked incredible.
I asked if he was enjoying it as he hadn't really eaten much. He looked at me with a little wicked smile on his face.
"I have to confess. I was a little worried to be honest so I filled up at lunch but I must say it is INCREDIBLE."
I laughed because I was thinking of doing the same thing. I was so worried about how it was going to turn out but surprisingly it was REALLY good.
"I knew that it wouldn't be a simple dish. I think you are too sophisticated to just cook me Spaghetti but I really didn't expect this...Thank you!" he responded as he leaned over the table and planted a delicate kiss on my lips.
All of a sudden I wasn't hungry anymore. I dropped my fork and returned his kiss.
I stood up, took his hand, and pulled him out of the chair leading him upstairs to the bedroom where I had strategically placed candles all around the room. Downstairs I had left the television on the music channel and the sound was heard through the cutout in the bedroom wall. The music echoed through the apartment like a choir.
We got upstairs and into the bedroom where he grabbed my waist and began kissing me. Tenderly at first growing more passionately as the seconds went by. I pushed him down onto the bed and slowly began undoing the buttons on my trench coat letting it fall off my shoulders onto the floor.
I stood there like a stone for a few minutes listening to the end of "I'm on fire by Bruce Springsteen" until Hugh got up and walked over to me. He ran his hands down the back of my neck to my waist, drinking in everything about me. He placed his hand on my shoulder and his other hand on the small of my back. The next song started, it was "Kissing You by Des'ree".
What happened next is why I love these songs SO much.
We started kissing and danced slowly to the melody as the candles flickered around us. Hugh gently lifted me up and placed me on the bed.
Our lips never broke apart. He took off his shirt and let it slide off the side of the bed.
I unhooked the corset at the front and it fell off with ease. He slid my shoes off my feet slowly. I let the music envelop my soul as we made love slowly and tenderly. Every inch of my body was relaxed. I felt as though I was finally reaching the depths of my own soul. I was realising everything that I wanted and this man was the key to it all. He was reaching into the depths of my soul every day and each time I was able to walk away unscathed.
As the song changed it fit my thoughts at that time perfectly. It was "I want to know what love is - Mariah Carey's Version"
I felt my guard slipping and I didn't want to hold onto it so badly. I just let it fall. I let go of my inhibitions and looked at Hugh. He whispered to me "Never doubt my faithful heart".
Three hours later I fell into his arms. I felt like I was floating on a cloud. It was a night that I will never forget as long as I live. It was then that I was able to find release from my past. It couldn't hurt me anymore. I felt so free because Hugh had done that for me. He had loved me unconditionally, and I would be eternally grateful.
I was in soo deep with him that it would be almost impossible for me to leave him now even if I tried. I would have given my life for him right at that moment and there was still soooo much to learn about him. But little by little I was getting there.....However, the next time I saw Hugh I would find out how deep his love would go for me......Maybe what happened next should have made me realise that things were going too fast even in the last year and a bit....his love ran deeper than mine.....and I was about to find out just how deep!