I’m sitting here listening to the acoustic version of “3 AM” by Matchbox Twenty and it reminds me of one of the most special moments in my life….The first concert I ever went to.

My first ever concert was when I was 18 years old and it was Rob Thomas with Vanessa Amorosi opening….I took my mother.

I have to say that my favourite musician in this entire world is Rob Thomas and the memory that I left with at that concert, the atmosphere, the music and the company I kept was one of the fondest memories I hold…. I cried that night because I was with the one person in this entire world who has literally risked her life soo many times just to save mine…..for that….I love you even more mum.

So this song below is for you….for those of you who like this song…I would really like you to write a comment and tell me what you think this song is about BEFORE you watch it…because not many know what this song was written about.

Now I sit here with a lit cigarette I am listening to “Think Twice” by Celine Dion and it brings back some of the biggest memories of Hugh and I and all that happened after that night.

I don’t know what I was thinking about getting back into bed with Hugh figuratively and literally!

I guess the old saying of you can’t help who you fall in love with really does ring true!

I arrived home feeling more and more confused as to where I stood with Hugh but the thing that got the most was the fact that I knew what I was doing and I didnt care because I had him back in my life.

I’m now listening to Whitney Houston “Run To You”.

After I got back with Hugh I realised why it was that I kept running back to him. Whenever I find myself questioning myself, my choices in life and everything that I have ever done I run to the one thing that I am sure of….I am sure that I am always safe from harm, I am loved and cherished whenever I am with Hugh and because of that I find it harder and harder to leave him. I love him all the more for it. Hugh is my knight in shining armour and even after everything that he and I have been through I still could never hate him or speak an ill word of him.

Two weeks after flying home Hugh went to court….and I held my breath as I awaited the verdict of one of the biggest media events to take over the country. It was on every single channel, in every newspaper and literally everywhere I went someone was covering the case….then came the verdict that shocked the nation…..Not Guilty!

It was a breath of fresh air, It was a weight lifted off my shoulders and it was a godsend….until I realised…..it still didn’t change anything….did it?

I called Hugh that night and he didn’t answer…..15 minutes later he called me back and apologised profusely.

I asked him how he was and he was livid. He told me that he had been in meetings all afternoon with his lawyer and that he was planning on using the government and the major entity in his industry that had reported him falsely. He planned to bring down the big guys and apparently had a very solid case. He said he knew why it had happened and he was about to cause a sh*t storm….this particular entity had tried to deflect media attention from another MAJOR case that was going on at the same time and Hugh just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time with a few connecting dots!

A week after the verdict was handed down the CEO of the major corporation handed in his resignation….and the dots started adding up…I didn’t know what he was planning but when you get on his bad side…you would want to hope that you can take cover!

Hugh made plans to come to town and the first time ever I was wishing that he wouldn’t. I know that may sound odd but the reason I didn’t want to see him was because I needed a clear head.

I needed to know what I was going to do and I felt so out of control…I knew that I would bend again and I wasn’t sure I was ready for it, I had no idea how I would survive it.

The day he was set to arrive I still wasn’t settled. I found myself getting through the day on auto-pilot.

Hugh called me at 5 pm that evening and told me he had a flight at 8 pm which would see him at the hotel at around 10 pm. I agreed to meet him at the hotel and that I would check in for him.

I arrived at the hotel at 8 pm, the same hotel that held so many memories….it was the same French hotel chain that Hugh had first kissed me in…as I walked across the marble floors to the reception desk it hit me. I couldn’t turn back now.

The manager of the hotel was called again and I was greeted with the same greeting “Bonjour Mrs Montgomery, Your suite is ready and if you need anything please do not hesitate to let me know”. I didn’t correct him this time, I took the swipe cards to the suite and when I reached the elevator I was ready to collapse.

I walked into the suite and placed my bags on the ground and stood in the empty hotel room petrified but not a flicker of understanding why registered within me.

I ran a spa, lit some candles and lay there in peace for an hour. I blocked everything out of my mind until my phone alerted me it was time to get out and get dressed. I couldn’t have him walk in and find me in a bath.

I got out, got dressed into my satin baby-doll lingerie, piled my brunette curls into a ponytail and walked into the bedroom. I closed the blinds and turned on the TV before pulling out my laptop and kept myself busy by answering emails laying on the bed.

Half an hour later I got a call from Hugh to advise that he had landed and that he would be at the hotel within 30 minutes. My heart began beating profusely. I was so caught up in what I knew what was going to happen that I didnt realise I was staring blindly at the television for 25 minutes and probably didnt even blink.

I returned to my emails and all of a sudden I heard the door to the suite click and watched as Hugh walked into the bedroom. He was dressed in an immaculate Calvin Klein business suit with his suitcase next to him. He stopped in the doorway and looked straight at me. I could feel the fire burning inside me ignite and my mind went to mush. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move and I pretended that he wasn’t there. I couldn’t break our gaze and as I began typing blindly on my laptop still looking at him he walked straight towards me, leant over the bed and kissed me softly on the forehead, then my cheek, then finally knocking the breath from me on my lips.

He threw his arms around my waist and lifted me from the bed and just held me. I felt the wave of fear I had felt before he arrived intensify.

The best way to explain how I felt at that very point in time is for you to listen to this:

I could feel the rush of my emotions take over my body and soul. I felt his hands wrapped around me and his hand moved up my neck resting there. I inhaled his cologne and every memory we had ever made came flooding back to me. He knew how to calm me, he knew how to make my heart race and knew how to make me feel the safest I had ever felt in my life.

I wasn’t hungry, I wasn’t tired….I was numb. As he let go of me and went to have a shower I packed up my laptop. I was tempted to join him….the one language I knew how to speak was the language of sex. I knew that once I slept with him my fears of him leaving me, my fears of everything between us would disappear….the problem was…It was only a bandaid and I knew it. I went into this with my eyes wide shut, I knew what I was doing, I knew where we were destined to end up if his circumstances didn’t change and I knew I was not the kind of person who could settle for being the other woman or even friend with benefits….It’s not in my blood. The problem was I knew all of this but I had never felt a love like this in my life and I was nowhere near ready to give it all up and return to my life as it was before….it would NEVER be the same anyway. I knew in my heart it would take something SERIOUS to break this spell. I didn’t know what it would take to make me leave him but I know that it would have to be something morally repugnant and would really have to hurt me to make me WANT to break away from it.

After his shower he came into the room in his towel only and found me laying on the bed. At this point I could see the look in his eyes, it reflected the same way I felt in my heart….uncertainty.

He walked over to the bed and I moved over and he shot me a look saying “Don’t Move”. I sat there looking blankly at him, his shoulders squared and he knelt down beside the bed, he took my hand in his and I felt a pain shoot through me from my hand to my heart. I was on the verge of tears….he was scaring me with his silence and the look in his eyes. He bent his head down to my hand and I moved it towards his face, caressing his right cheek with my left hand. He pushed his head into my hand and pulled me towards him. I knelt down on the bed and put my free hand on the back of his head running my free hand through his hair. He pulled me closer by wrapping his left arm around my waist and pushed his head into my stomach before resting it there moving his head to his right. My hands still in their place and he kissed my wrist.

I couldn’t understand what he was doing all I knew at that very moment it was EXACTLY what he needed. I bent down and kissed his forehead and moved his head to face me so I could look him in the eyes.

“Do you love me?” he whispered

I almost vomited right there on the spot. I couldn’t breathe. My heart screamed yes but my mouth wouldn’t comply.

“I’m selling the house, I’ve never been more afraid of losing you in my life and I couldn’t cope if you walked out again….so I’ve put the house on the market…this process is going to take a while…I need you to be patient with me….but don’t leave me” he whispered with tears in his eyes.

I sat in the same spot, every muscle in my body failing me…I didn’t know what was happening, I felt trapped, I felt like I couldn’t move, I loved him more than life itself, I wanted him more than I have ever wanted anything and yet I couldn’t say a word, what was going on….wasn’t this what I wanted?

I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and surrendered to everything I was afraid of, it washed over me like a tsunami and then I responded.

xx Ava