You’re far from losing everything, I’ll always be with you,
You said baby don’t be scared, cause i’ll always be prepared,
no matter what life brings us, I’ll be here,
I’ll be here”
The lyrics above describe the relationship I have had with Maria over the years to an absolute T!, So much so that I am actually listening to it. We both a very strong and deep seeded internal demons that we face on a daily basis and although Maria is older than me I have ALWAYS felt like I had to protect her. It was never because she made me feel like I had to but because my heart ached beyond belief when she was in pain. There have been many times where she has pushed me away and we have stopped talking not because of an argument but rather because I know there is no point in pushing her, There is no point in trying to help her fight her demons because she shuts down. I learned very early on in our relationship how similar we were and it took me a good year to really understand how to dance the dance so that I was not another person that ended up hurting her. The one problem that Maria and I always had was the fact that we always left how we felt unsaid between each other because we were so afraid of hurting the other and because of that we would both pull away….little did I realise that there was a very very good reason that neither of us realised until recently….more on that later.
Maria and I never really realised how strong our friendship was until she came to Australia…..but the biggest test of our relationship was to come. I truly believe that with the both of us we are so afraid that we are so raw with each other and that the other knows the deepest, darkest and dustiest corners of each other souls that at times that scare us….hence why we push each other away. What I can honestly say though is that she is the one friend I could NEVER live without in my life. She will end up being the godmother to my first born child, she will be my maid of honour at my wedding (if I ever get married) and she will be there the day I have my first child….she will forever own a part of my heart and a huge part of my soul….She is my best friend in the entire world and for that I will be forever grateful for finding her in this big wide world….and under the weirdest circumstances!
Maria is a MASSIVE celebrity in the Entertainment industry in Europe and if you knew her real name I can guarantee that people all around the world will know her but I would never reveal that.
When Maria came to stay we spent every waking moment in each others company, we went to the beach together, we went to work together and all around had an amazing time!
While she was here I kept her working very hard and at times when she was broken and didn’t want to stand anymore I kicked her arse into gear and made her find the passion and fire within.
One night we went to go out with a producer and both had quite a bit to drink. We were around at his house and we were having a GREAT time….until for some reason (which I can’t actually remember why) we ended up in a massive fight. We started screaming at each other and out on the front lawn of the house at 9 pm we had the first and biggest argument we have ever had. We both said some of the most hurtful things ever and she screamed at me and started leaving. My heart ached so hard that I actually felt the fire behind my eyes as the tears burned into my soul…I was going to lose my best friend over the most stupid thing in the entire universe and yet the whole reason I was feeling like this was that I knew it was only a matter of time before she left….and I really wasn’t sure if I would ever see her again. Moments after she walked into the house again I walked in after her. I walked across the dining room and into the lounge room to find Maria sitting on the couch in tears. For some reason in that very instant I knew that if I hadn’t come after her I would have lost my best friend forever. We both apologised profusely to each other and hugged so hard. She had come to Australia to escape herself and her pain and now it was finally catching up with her, I was running from my own pain and because we were both in pain we took it out on each other.
I was panicking all night that she was going to wake up in the morning and hate me but she promised that everything was ok between us. Only later in her trip did I realise that we were really ok….actually we were better than ever…stronger than ever.
The whole reason that Maria came to Australia other than to escape was that she wanted to be here for my 21st birthday…something that I will be eternally grateful to her for….it was the best present that anyone could ever have asked for. She was exhausted from jet lag and slept for most of the party but knowing that she was only in the next room made me realise how lucky I was and it made my night perfect.
A week later we were in a place to go to the party capital of Australia…..and no it wasn’t a beach destination!
One of my other clients had a massive party for Google she was performing at and I wanted to be there to support her and make sure that everything went perfectly.
We arrived at the apartment chain I had previously stayed in with Hugh and it finally began to dawn on me that Maria was going to meet Hugh. It had taken me years to get him to come to an event with me and having Maria with me made me panic even more because I was so worried that she was going to truly hate him.
Before the party I told Maria that I wished that just one person could see why I was so in love with Hugh…She shook her head and I knew she would never understand.
My boss and I arrived at the event early to set up and go through soundcheck with our client, we went through press interviews and press calls and then returned to the hotel. We got ready and Maria was meeting us there later. When Maria arrived she began drinking and having a great time. I had never seen her so at peace and so happy in our entire friendship and I like to think that I had a hand in that by dragging her to Australia. We had a great time until Maria’s on and off boyfriend of 2 years called. She took the call outside and they ended up in an argument. I told her on so many occasions that he wasn’t good for her but then who was I to judge.
Almost an hour later Hugh arrived with one of his clients and I was instantly drawn to him. I could feel his eyes following me as I worked the room. I introduced him to people that would be of benefit to him until Maria sauntered across the room drunken but enjoying herself. She was a little deflated by their argument but she managed to keep her smile masking everything. I introduced her to her Hugh and they shook hands. She walked away moments later while I stayed by Hugh’s side.
Thirty minutes later she returned and wanted to leave the party. I offered to go with her but she refused. She walked straight over to Hugh and whispered something in his ear. A look of shock took over his face for an instant before he whispered back to her and she walked off. I didn’t know what to make of their exchange but had a feeling that it wasn’t good.
She walked straight over to where I was and kissed my cheek before whispering in my ear “I get it Ava, I completely understand now” and she walked off leaving me standing there with my mouth wide open.
When the event finished Hugh drove my boss and I home and I kissed him goodnight as he drove his client home. I half ran into the apartment to track down Maria and find out what the hell she meant.
When I walked into the room she looked beat. She was on her laptop watching her boyfriend play his sport and he was loosing. I was itching in my skin to find out what she had meant but she was extremely pissed off and drunk. I got a call and she got up on the bed and began walking across it until she lost her footing and slipped off the bed and her laptop went flying. I burst into laughter before asking if she was ok and all she could say was “It’s not fu*king funny Ava” and stormed out. I was still half laughing but I knew she was okay.
When she returned she was beating herself up as her boyfriend lost his tournament and she blamed her drunken argument….but it wasn’t that he was just sh*t at his sport!
Eventually I got to ask her what she meant by the conversation about Hugh. She turned to me and said “Ava, I know exactly what you mean now. I always believe that someone with a strong handshake is honest and if they can look you in the eye they are truthful it is something my father always taught me. I saw the way he was with you, he held you possessively and when you walked around the room he kept his eyes on you the entire time. He loves you and it is obvious to everyone! When I left I told him that he had better look after you and keep you safe or he would have me to deal with. Ava I know now what you mean but honestly I can understand and don’t know how you will ever date anyone else you both love each other so much, I don’t know how you will ever date someone younger because he just oozes sophistication. I get it now Ava.”
I actually cried. I couldn’t believe I was getting my best friends approval who hated him within an inch of her life. I told her that she was going to love him as everyone does when they meet him but her approval meant more to me than anyone else ever has!
The problem was….was I ever going to give myself the approval too?
Just recently after such a long time Maria and I were on Skype and she revealed why she believes that we argue or why we run from each other….because we are both so scared of losing each other that we would rather push the other away than have them walk away….because we love each other so much as sisters and couldn’t bear to lose each other.
If there is any song (other than the first song at the beginning) that has meant a lot to Maria and I would be “Never Say Never by The Fray. The below lyrics mean the world to me and always remind me of the struggles we have overcome together….every time she holds a concert she always starts the instrumental of the song and just before she begins to sing she says the name that she calls me and winks….no one has ever picked this up or understood why she does this but it is like our own little untold secret…something I will always remember and always cherish as long as I live and even after that.
“Picture, you’re the queen of everything, As far as the eye can see, Under your command, I will be your guardian, When all is crumbling. I steady your hand,
We’re falling apart and coming together again and again, We’re growing apart but we pull it together, pull it together, together again,
You can never say never, While we don’t know when, Time, Time, Time again, Younger now than we were before,
Don’t let me go!”
After that night I knew I would be able to conquer whatever demons I had…but first I had to help Maria with hers, little did I know how much this was going to affect our friendship…
I love you Maria…..always and forever my sister from another mister….I will always be here for you, remember that you could never disappoint me and I hope that one day I can catch you to stop you from falling, without your friendship I wouldn’t be the person I am today and for that I am forever in your debt…..Love Always…..the other letter in your M x