I guess I knew that the world we live in is not perfect. That it is capable of a lot of pain and horrors. But a time never came when I thought you would be one of the plagues nature would visit upon me. You caused me tremendous trauma and pain, and it changed my life in multiple ways. Your presence in my life left a long shadow, and it painfully sucks the joy out of my life even today. There is no magic pill for this sickness. All I can do is cry and cry.
I am well aware of how lucky I am. I was saved from a huge catastrophe. Yes, I am counted among the lucky ones, because others have not fared as well. But I still feel some numbness inside, and I think it's because a part of me died.
What pisses me off is that I am expected to be grateful that things ended before the relationship ended in a marriage or some kids. As much as I am happy not to have married this man and that we did not bring any kids into this toxic union, the trauma of being the hapless victim of a manipulative narcissist is something I have to live with every day.
I feel like I was turned inside out. Heartbreaks don't get this bad, this goes way beyond that. I fell completely in love with a man who couldn't care less about me if he tried. I lost myself in love, and he ruthlessly took more than I had to offer.
It's not just a broken heart I have to heal, I also have to get the haunting nightmare of our relationship out of my head. I want to get better, but that is easier said than done when just below the surface lies the greatest pain and trauma I have ever suffered.
In all honesty, I did not see it coming. I was in love with you, and I thought I could trust you. I let you in so that you knew the good and the bad. But then you turned around in the most ruthless of ways and used my greatest fears and worries to dominate me. You would make me feel guilty about everything. I thought everything was wrong with me. I cried and cried, and it was often over you because I could not believe whom I had gotten into a relationship with.
Even when friends and family told me the truth, and that I needed to pack up and leave, I stood against them in your defense. It was all out of love, an emotion that could never find a place in your heart.
I have never been so wrong about anybody. I am not ashamed to admit that I cried through the pain, as that is the only relief I could get.
My only regret is that I did not get away sooner.
You left a cancer in my life that needs to go so that life can go on. Of one thing I am sure – the person I have become has to be stronger than the person you knew and broke.