In my last confession, I left you with the last conversation I had with my biological father and a few very amazing memories as well as a few not so nice ones. However in this confession, I am going to go back to Hugh and then I will go back to what happened after that conversation with my biological father.... whose name you will find out VERY soon!
In the last confession about Hugh, I left it with finding out that he was still with his wife. Finding this out was one of the most painful things I have ever been through that left me with a lot of unanswered questions and a head full of confusion. But the worst part was that I knew that I was now officially his Mistress and there were no more secrets. This was the last one and the distance between us never felt bigger.
It wasn't as if Hugh had done anything that made me feel like we were further apart from each other, it was my own turmoil. I was so scared as to what I was going to do. I was so connected with this person on more than a physical level and I knew in my heart I had fallen in love with him. I knew that no matter what I couldn't walk away from the first man I had ever fallen in love with...however the biggest problem I had was knowing that I was not the only woman in Hugh's life and it wasn't like I was competing with some two-bit hooker...I was competing with his wife, the mother of his children, the woman he had pledged to spend the rest of his life with...and the question ringing in my head was...Am I prepared to really truly be the other woman?
For nearly two weeks after I found out that information I cried. I cried every time I thought of him, I cried every time I received a text message from him, every time I heard his voice, every time I saw him in the news, and every time someone mentioned him I cried inside...but not for the reason you will all be thinking...I cried because I knew the answer to the question that echoed in my soul...I love him so much and because of that, I was willing to stand by him...NO MATTER WHAT!
I am sitting here listening to one of the songs that got me through that entire time and the song that made me come to the realization that yes I was prepared to be....a Millionaire's Mistress...
"I want to know what love is - Mariah Carey"
I never stopped communicating with Hugh over this period of time, however, I did pull back a lot...and he knew it. He started constantly messaging me to see how I was and began making such an effort that had previously been missing. There was something about the way he was talking to me and the way that he was with me that made me scared of accepting my decision but also making me want to run right back to him and fix things.
Almost a month after receiving the call and photo I had business in the same town as Hugh and decided that I would fly in and meet with him. I was flying in late at night and had a meeting with a potential new client before flying out at midday the next day. I wouldn't have to be in the same room as him for longer than 24 hours and that suited me just fine as I was still so distant. My heart had been broken and it was going to take him a lot to be able to pull down those walls again. He was going to need to prove that he deserved me to make that decision...and if he did that...then I knew I had made the right decision....but he didn't know any of this at this point.
I went over to my aunt's house that afternoon after my last business meeting and told her...make me irresistible! She is an incredible whiz with a makeup brush and a blowdryer...I knew that he was going to be begging me for it and that's exactly what I wanted.
By the time she had finished transforming me, I had the smokiest eyes that were complemented by my golden tan. I had dyed my long black locks chocolate brown to change things up and it had been straightened within an inch of its life with the most incredible "Kim Kardashian" inspired "Fringe Flick", the plumpest naturally full lips coupled with a clear gloss and to add to my near-perfect look...I wore a long-sleeved white cotton shirt with a v-neck and a pair of my signature hip-hugging skin-tight black tights that made my legs look endless with a pair of Crystal diamond-encrusted heels.
As I arrived at the airport I felt fantastic and extremely confident....he wasn't going to know what hit him.
I walked through the terminal with my cream-covered trench coat on, my black Kardashian Kollection handbag swinging from my left arm, and a pair of sunglasses on to hide the fear in my eyes...This was the first step towards my future...there was no turning back now.
The whole flight I began panicking that I was going to end up vomiting because I was so nervous. On the other end my client and a really good friend were picking me up and once we had finished our business meeting I was then to message Hugh and we would meet at my hotel.
When I landed I called Emily and Ashleigh who were together.
"I'm so scared. I feel like I am going to vomit. Am I doing the right thing?" I said.
"You will be fine. Breathe" they both said.
My nerves were in overdrive and they began irritating me so I got really pissed off when they started being stupid and cracking jokes, so I hung up on them.
Waiting for me outside was my client in his gorgeous BMW convertible. He jumped out and gave me a HUGE hug. I had only known him for a short period of time but we had become instant friends and I was planning to do a lot for him pro-bono because he was just an incredible person and I loved his brand...he is one of Australia's BEST hairdressers and I still call him one of my best friends. We know a lot about each other....actually quite a lot about each other and I trust him implicitly.
I got into his car and the smell of leather consumed me. I felt my seat heat up instantly as he turned on the seat warmers. The whole trip from the airport to the centre of the city was incredible. I had never really paid attention to the city at night on a Friday and the sights were incredible...It was like fireworks. As we passed the coke sign I felt the familiar rush of my favourite type of season. The frozen air of winter pounded around me with the top down and yet inside the car I felt like it was a beautiful summer sun kissing my skin...I loved it!
The city was in full swing and I was about to throw myself into it. No more moping...it was time to really enjoy myself.
We pulled up into a parking garage and went straight to dinner. I left my luggage in the car and we joined the thousands of people as we stepped out into a bustling crowd in one of the most notorious hot spots and suburbs in all of Australia...They even made a TV show series about the clubs and the notorious gangsters that controlled them....but this time I didn't see anything out of the ordinary.
We walked to one of the most well-known restaurants in the state and sat down for amazing pizza, beer and business.
All around us were people that knew my client/friend who we will call Shaun. Every time we began discussing business someone would come up and hug him or interrupt us, so in the end, we gave up, we had gotten as far as we were going to so now I was supposed to be letting Hugh know I had finished my business meeting and then catch up with him. It was almost 12:00 pm and Shaun asked me if I wanted to have another beer...I guess I was trying to delay meeting with Hugh so I thought...one more can't hurt....well one more turned into three and 12:00 pm turned into 3:00 am and a very sober me turned into a very tipsy me...I knew that I wasn't going to see Hugh and for some reason...I was relieved. Hugh messaged me about 7 times that night and I never responded because I just couldn't.
I went back to Shaun's house as we were both too tipsy to drive and I couldn't be bothered heading to the hotel so I stayed at Shaun's.
When we arrived his flatmate was there with his friends having their own little party. The whole apartment was open plan with a massive window along the outer walls and a huge balcony. You could see the entire city lit up from this point and it was BEAUTIFUL!
We stayed up watching "Love Actually" in his room but nothing happened. I truly wasn't interested in Shaun and he wasn't interested in me. We were just friends. Shaun had been extremely hospitable. He asked me if I wanted to drink anything....and by anything I mean, he then explains that his friends outside had a full supply of coke if I wanted any.....It was at this point that my eyes began opening.....I really had been quite naive in this industry and this was the second time I was faced with Coke...it was all around me...but I knew I didn't want it...I mean it didn't astound me that so many people were doing it...At that moment Hugh's words echoed in my head...If I was to ever do it, I had to get it from him...I really began regretting not seeing him...I was missing him...tears began forming in my eyes but I knew I had to shake it off.
Whilst I stayed in Shaun's bed and nothing happened I didn't really sleep either. I just kept staring out the window of his high-rise apartment. The whole night flashed past me as I thought about Hugh and how much I missed him....the next thing I knew the sun was rising and it was the most incredible sight I had ever seen...I hadn't been up and alert at that hour in such a long time and in that sunrise...I knew I loved Hugh more than ever...and I was determined to make it work at all costs.
Later that day I finished my next business meeting and had to get on a flight home. I still hadn't messaged Hugh and just before I left I decided I was going to send him a message and apologize. As soon as I sent the message my flight was called for boarding and then I was in the air. By the time I arrived and turned on my phone, I had received a text message...that chilled me.
"Ok Ava" was all he had responded.
I felt horrible but I really couldn't do anything to change it. So I left it. A week later he came to town and I was out of town and there was another opportunity to talk missed. The next time I went into town he wasn't there and the time after that I went to town we had planned to meet but I came down with severe stomach cramps about 2 hours before we were supposed to meet and I called to cancel...something I had NEVER done before... let's just say he was VERY unimpressed and got quite angry. I told him that I had a meeting that I had to go to because I didn't want to tell him that my little cramps were caused by two things...every girl's worst nightmare and stress.
This was a month of not seeing each other and I was starting to feel sick about it but for some reason, I just hadn't been ready to see him.
He called me a week after and asked if I would meet with him as he was in town. He sounded like he was completely defeated. I still couldn't do it. My head was screaming yes but my heart was screaming lauder; no. I told him no as I was flying interstate. This time I wasn't...and my heart told me he knew it wasn't true.
We began messaging back and forth and he asked me outright if I was avoiding him...I hadn't been intentionally and I was honest in my response, however when I asked why he thought that he really let it all out.
"Because Ava, the last few times we have tried to catch up you have made excuses. You came to town and we planned to catch up after your meeting and you ditched me for some guy and then the second time you ditched me probably for the same guy and now you're flying interstate again...We need to talk."
"I'm sorry Hugh, you have given me no notice, I did not ditch you, it's fucking business and he was a client, you have no right to be jealous anyway...you're fucking married... I can't, I have to go interstate. We will catch up soon...I promise" I responded.
My heart crushed. I could feel the tears welling again...but my heart just couldn't take it. I slid down the wall in the filing room at the office and burst into tears behind the massive packing shelves with files everywhere. I felt my pain finally consume me...I really wasn't sure what I was going to do. My decision to be his mistress was morally repugnant in my head but I loved him so much that I really couldn't see my life without him...and I knew I couldn't bear to see him with anyone else...I was so broken but I didn't know how to fix it so it would serve me the best way...with a way that I could actually live with. I was so confused.
I managed to get through the rest of the day on Autopilot. On the way home I talked to Ashleigh and told her that I really didn't want to see him, all the while I knew I did. I was just trying to convince myself that I didn't want to....when all I wanted to do was be with him...in EVERY way. I needed to feel his arms wrapped around me, his lips on mine, I wanted to feel the electric touch that had been missing in the last few months...I needed to reconnect with him because I was so disconnected from my own life as my life with Hugh consumed my every thought and the confusion just made me numb all the time.
Sitting with Emily and Ashleigh that night I felt empty drinking my wine as their laughter filled around me. Hugh was in town less than 25 minutes from me and I chose not to see him. I was so scared, I was so hurt, I was pissed off and I was so in love...what the fuck was I doing?
I picked up my phone and called Hugh...I told him I was back and that I wanted to see him. I could feel his relief through the phone and for some reason...I was relieved as well.
"Ava I knew you weren't going out of town, I knew you were avoiding me...but I knew in your own time....just get here, I'm with a few friends but...we have so much to talk about...like where we go from here."
I hung up and jumped out of my chair. Ashleigh and Emily knew where I was going. Neither were really pleased and yet they didn't even know half of what had happened between Hugh and me...They still didn't know that he was back with his wife...I didn't want to say anything until I actually knew what was happening myself...I made sure I looked irresistible, put on my Little Black Dress that had a slip of skin coloured material underneath so it made it look like I was just wearing black lace...I had my crystal heels on and I looked better than I ever had...On the inside I was ready to vomit...but it was now or never.
I packed an overnight bag and decided that I was going there and whatever happened was on my terms...not his.
On the way there this song really describes how I was feeling...listen to the whole thing....trust me...you will feel every single emotion I went through in 25 minutes...He was about to take hold of me again...and I knew it!
Walk Away - Christina Aguilera
When I arrived at the casino…I had no idea what life was about to throw at me next…the question was…was I strong enough to take this blow too?