At 4:30 am the bimbette and her husband had decided it was time to leave.
I had maintained my silence for the duration of the night trying my hardest to not only show my annoyance at the fact that the couple were still here but also the fact that I was exhausted and knew I wasn’t going to get much sleep before I had to wake up again anyway.
I was reaching the end of my tether when they decided that they would leave. As the night had gone on I had ended up getting quieter and quieter and Hugh could clearly see that I was itching it leave or go to bed and yet both options left me nowhere. I would still be without answers either way and I knew it would do more damage to whatever I was hoping to achieve, so for once I put up with it in silence.
When they finally left the bimbette realised I wasn’t leaving as well and gave me a look of utter disgust. I assume she knew Hugh’s wife and I would assume that she knew what the status of their relationship was at the time and yet I really couldn’t care. She knew she hadn’t scared me off this time and in her mind it must have looked like I had won. To me this was not a game. This was my life, my heart and everything that I had put into Hugh and I. I was gambling with everything I had left and still didn’t know where it had left me.
As the door closed behind him I walked over to my bag and pulled out my phone charger. I really didn’t know how to do this with him anymore. I knew the motions, I knew where it would end up but I didn’t know where I was going to end up at the end of it. I felt a little out of place. I still couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t move and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The thought of looking him in the eye and not knowing if what I was going to get was the truth or a way around it was something I wasn’t really prepared to deal with…but it was inevitable.
He stood with his left shoulder leaning against the wall in the bedroom with legs crossed and arms folded, watching me as I walked around the room. He knew I wasn’t going to look at him and he knew I wasn’t going to say anything. I was too tired to have the fight I knew I had in me and I was too exhausted to try and sift through the words that would surely be said to find what I wanted.
As I took off my pearl crystal white heels and placed them next to the bed I made the mistake of looking up at him. I could feel the vulnerability within me growing and I knew that no matter what this man had my heart. So what was the point of fighting it any longer? I knew in my heart where we stood and what the relationship with his wife was but at the same time I still didn’t know if I could accept it as it stood. I knew the dance I was entangled in was dangerous but I also knew that my life would be so foreign to me without it. I knew that I would end up in a place that I wasn’t sure I would be able to make sense of and that scared me.
I walked past him to brush my teeth, so afraid that the memory of what I had witnessed in the bathroom would float back into my mind and remain there the moment I set foot on the marble floor. I was petrified at what it had meant and I was sickened at the thought of what it was doing to his body. I had heard so many things about these drugs that I feared would watch the same things happen to the man that I had fallen so madly in love with.
As soon as I entered the bathroom I could feel him hovering outside the door. I had no words to say and wouldn’t dare to look at him in the mirror. I brushed my teeth in silence and moved around the bathroom as if I had been there a million times before doing the exact same thing. Whenever I was with Hugh, I was at home…It didn’t matter where we were or what we were doing it was only in his presence that I felt as though I was at peace, I was finally home.
I turned towards him, averting my eyes to the floor and leaned against the basin for a few moments trying to catch my breath. As I walked out I went to push past him and push the horrid memory from my mind but he took a step in front of me. Still no words had been spoken but I felt the very thing that had captured me in this web wash through me as he placed his hands on my shoulders. His hands sent an electric spark up my neck and down my spine, landing in my toes.
He crushed my body against his and I felt his hand move around to the nape of my neck as he tugged it towards him, winding me with his passionate kiss. I was instantly knocked back against the wall and felt the burning desire building in the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move and I couldn’t stop shaking inside and out, everything around us faded into darkness…as his kiss consumed me, I felt the sting of the familiar violent currents of electricity passing through his lips to mine and relished in each painful volt as they resonated within my body from his kiss and his fingers that were twirling my hair at the back of my neck, in that moment the currents penetrated the walls I had built around my heart bringing me to silent tears. I felt the pain, hurt, anger and vulnerability escape me and it was then that I knew I was a goner. I was his and he knew it. I had felt the desperation oozing from him all night, in his tone, his body language and of course his eyes as he begged me not to leave. Each time I remembered the moments the tears burned harder and faster down my cheeks. I could no longer hate this man for putting me in this position because we were both so helpless, he had wanted to spare me the pain but couldn’t bear to let me go, I was desperate to leave him and give myself a fighting chance at a love that could give me everything that I had ever wanted…but I knew that a love like this only came along once, I was terrified of loosing it, I was petrified of the thought of never feeling this again and my heart was breaking because I knew that I could never be the one to leave…he would need to tell me that he didn’t care, he would need to stop craving me as much as I craved him for me to be able to truly stop…he was the only drug I ever needed and I was undeniably addicted…he was the one.