Sitting here tonight thinking about everything that has happened over the last couple of days has made me really want to get it out. I feel like I am about to break down in tears tonight and the problem is I know exactly what the problem is. I know why it is that I feel like I want to close down my page and walk away from everything that I have known over the past 4 years….the problem is when I think about doing that it makes me think of how many steps back I will be taking and that scares me.
I am listening to this song – I Hate This Part – Pussycat Dolls on repeat with a glass of wine sitting next to me and for some reason I can’t seem to feel like this isn’t the right song for me to be listening to right now….but if that isn’t….then what is?
After sitting here searching youtube up and down I have come across the perfect song to capture exactly how I am feeling right at this very second.
I haven’t ever listened to this song before and though….oh I can totally relate to this….but unfortunately tonight I can REALLY feel this tonight and the song is….
Total Eclipse Of The Heart – Bonnie Tyler
In the last few weeks I have come to the realisation that someday either in the near or distant future Hugh could very well stumble across my blog….I have not told him about my blog for various reasons but one of the main reasons is that I really wouldn’t want him to have to read any of this….when even to this day there is a lot that I cannot say to him that I have said in this blog….I also don’t really want him to see the fact that the choices he has made….the secrets I have learned and many things I have heard have made me hate him more than anything at times…and yet I am still here….because deep down I know who he is.
I can honestly say that there is one particular reason that I cannot tell him some of the things that are in this blog but I am really not ready to say the reason yet.
One of my biggest fears in him reading this blog is the fact that if he was to read it without me knowing beforehand that I wouldn’t have the opportunity to sit there and explain it to him….I don’t know what this would do to whatever it is that we have shared over the last four years and to be honest with you I am seriously afraid of what would happen now….Would I lose him completely, would he still trust me or would it just set us right back to where we first began but in role reversals….with him being the closed off one….and if so would I be strong enough to try and break that barrier back down.
A lot of you reading this will be sitting there saying….well why don’t you just tell him then?. There are multitude of reasons and some of those are….It’s a little too late, Where would I start, What would it do to what we have built up now, How would he handle it, Would my greatest fears with him come true and lastly….would I end up throwing every single thing I have pent up against him that I have yet to deal with in his face and if I did that….would I survive it?
My heart aches as I wrote that last one because there is a lot that I have never said to him for various reasons that I will get to but to be honest with you my biggest fear I have yet to touch on….without him in my life….I would be one of the most lost people in the world and I am not sure that I would be able to deal with that to be honest. I trust him with every single fibre of my being, he has changed who I am and I have come to realise that I am not ready to move on from that at this very point in my life. There have been times that I have wanted to punch him in the face for things that I have heard, seen and things that I have been through whilst I have known him….but I have grown to realise that without him….I wouldn’t be the person I am today and because it has taken me so long to really understand who I am….I don’t think that knowing he wouldn’t be there (if it came to that) if I ever needed to find myself again…after the abuse I have been through, after my heartache, after all these years….I am not sure I would be able to cope. Not because I rely on him for all of the above but rather the fact that I know he is there when I need to feel something…when feeling anything has been a pain I need to escape….he has been my escape…..
Hugh if you do ever come across this and read this…Please read it from the beginning. You know in your heart that I would never do anything to hurt you and you know that I would never do anything to ruin your life….If I was going to do that, you know yourself that it would have been done well and truly before now….I will never reveal who you are and I will never allow this brush to tarnish you in any way…this is my life….you just happen to be in it…no matter what happens from here…just remember what you said….that you know I would NEVER do anything to hurt you…call me before you judge this…you have your reasons for your choices and I have my reasons for mine.
Incoming confessions you will understand how my feelings towards Hugh have changed and because of that I have been able to stand on my own two feet….however it doesn’t mean that I haven’t found comfort in knowing that he is there if I ever need him to reassure me….without words….rather actions.
I left you with Julie and my biological father but I am going to take a step back from that and go back to Hugh.
I sit here drinking a glass of wine and thinking about the past, where it has taken me to and the feelings that have manifested.
One night, not long after the event I had met with Hugh and had an amazingly passionate night. Things were finally in a place that I was happy with, no games, no stupidity, just as things should have been…. stress-free.
A few days after I was sitting with one of my employees for Coffee.
We were sitting in a little coffee shop around the corner from my house working on a new clients media strategy when under my diary my phone began buzzing.
I looked down at my phone and didn’t recognise the number that was calling me. I turned to my employee and apologised for interrupting our meeting before taking the call.
“Hello Ava Reilly Speaking” I said in my professional tone.
“Ava. My name is Tanya. I have some information about Hugh Montgomery that I would like to speak to you about, do you have a few minutes?” said the unfamiliar who had named herself Tanya.
“Tanya, One moment please” I responded. My heart began pounding as I excused myself from my meeting.
I stood up, holding my phone against my chest. My hands were beginning to sweat and shake as I walked across the crowded coffee shop and pushed open the doors.
As I exited the building the summer sun beamed down on me and I began heating up under my black business suit. I felt as though the earth was spinning around me. Who was this woman and what did she want?.
I placed the phone to my ear and could feel my phone shaking as my palm began sweating, my pulse was racing I felt the dreaded feeling that this was not going to be a good call.
“Thank you for holding. How can I help you Tanya?” I replied trying to hold my voice in a composed tone as much as possible.
“Ava. I am a friend of a friend of yours. A few months back I was in a hotel in the city and I saw you and Hugh having drinks together. I had seen you once before about a year ago in another hotel, the two of you were having drinks, I heard a little of your conversations and later as I walked past the elevator I saw the two of you kissing” she responded.
My hands began shaking. Where was she going with this?. I found myself pacing up and down the path outside the Coffee shop on a busy street. I felt as if I was the only person there at that point. Everyone else and everything else disappeared. How was I going to get rid of this woman and what did she want?. I took a deep breath trying too figure out what I was going to say to the woman before composing myself.
“I am not sure I know what you are talking about.” I responded as calmly as I could without showing my fear.
“Ava, I am not a threat to you. I want to impart some knowledge on you that I believe any woman should know.” she responded.
I still couldn’t believe my ears. I really wanted to get rid of this woman but I did not want to piss her off. I didn’t hear anything that she had to say but at the same time I couldn’t bring myself to hang up on her as I didn’t know what she wanted to say. All I wanted to do was call Hugh….for some reason I felt I wasn’t going to like what I heard next.
“Ava, I remember hearing that first time I saw you that he had told you he was separated. When I heard this, I thought it may be very true as our mutual friend, when I told her what I had heard, had told me that it could be true. However at a wedding recently we had been invited to….I’m REALLY sorry Ava but I saw Hugh and his wife still very much together….They never split. He lied to you…. and I think you deserved to know….Hello?”.
My whole world broke into a million pieces. Somewhere deep down I knew that this was true but it didn’t mean I wanted to believe it. My eyes welled with tears and I took a DEEP breath in to try and compose myself but it really made no difference whatsoever. I felt the tears began to slide down my cheeks as I felt my heart break into a million different pieces.
I reached on top of my head and pulled down my sunglasses to avert my eyes from passers-by. I needed a moment to gather my thoughts but I didn’t even have 5 seconds. I knew she was on the other end of the line and for some reason I knew if I didn’t cover this up…it would do more damage to me than it would help.
“Ava. I know this would be very hard to hear. I don’t want to take up too much more of your time as I know you will need to process this, however I have proof. I am going to send you a photo I have from the wedding of the two of them together but I would appreciate it if you didn’t mention where you received this. I am looking out for you as someone who doesn’t need a prick like this in her life. What you choose to do with this information is up to you….I wish you all the best and please rest assured that I will not be telling anyone else. I just thought you deserved to know. All the best Ava” With that she hung up leaving me speechless.
I was on the verge of vomiting. So many thoughts crossed my mind, I was PISSED OFF at Hugh. I hated him so much for treating me this way. I wanted to kill him. I had only just spent the night with him not long beforehand, everything was perfect….I really felt at peace with my life and I realised how much I really cared for this man. All that kept playing in my head was WHAT THE FUCK WAS I GOING TO DO NOW?!?!
Breaking my moment of thoughts I saw a text message appear on my phone…It was from her!
I almost dropped my phone as I opened the message….There it was, staring me in the face…all the proof that I needed, my deepest fears were staring me in the face as I saw the two of them sitting in chairs next to each other. One of his arms was on the back of her chair as she leant forward. His legs were crossed with his hand resting on his knee and her fingers were intertwined with his with her hand resting on top. They were both staring ahead and smiling….My head began spinning as I closed my eyes with the imaged burned into my memory. I could never forget something like that. I wanted to throw the evil object in my hand that had ruined my very existence. Hugh had betrayed me….My phone had betrayed me…It was showing me my worst fear, even though deep down I had known that he was still with her…I had even sat there and thought to myself (questioning my sanity) as to whether if I ever found out my GREATEST fears with Hugh would ever be confirmed what would I do?, How would I react….the first thing that came to mind was….I know I would stay!
I closed the offending text message and text Hugh.
“Call me when you can, It’s urgent”
I wiped the tears away from my eyes and held back the urgent need to curl into a ball, bury my head into a pillow and burst into tears. I walked back inside and apologised to my employee but as she was also a friend she knew that something was wrong. I held my composure and at the moment I was about to continue my phone began ringing again….It was Hugh!
I excused myself and almost ran outside again.
I told him everything that happened and he went off his tree.
“FUCKING HELL AVA!” he screamed down the phone at me.
I immediately tried to soothe him. I wanted to talk rationally.
“Hugh, Calm down. I just want to know if what she has said is true?. Are you still with her?” I responded knowing full well what the answer would be but hoping that I wasn’t about to have it confirmed.
“SEND ME THE FUCKING PHOTO AVA!” He yelled again.
“I will, please just answer my question” I said as I began crying again and sending him the text message that had broken my heart into pieces. It made me question every single thing that he had said but for some reason never made me question how he made me feel or even how he felt about me. I know in my heart that he cared for me and no stupid photo was going to be able to take that away….it was only the words he spoke that I questioned.
“Jesus Ava!. Please stop crying. Yes it is true. I’m sorry. I know you have known for a while though, you knew the truth. I have seen how you have treated me over the last couple of months, you have been distant.” he said calmly but still defensively.
I was ropeable at this point!.
“You told me you were separated!!!” I screamed.
“Yes Ava, We were. Look I don’t go around asking who you are sleeping with!. You never tell me anything so how do I know that you wanted anything more!. I never know how you feel so I just assumed that you didn’t want anything more….even though I have told you numerous times how I felt. I am not a fucking mind reader!” he responded defensively.
At that moment he received the message. I was speechless. He saw the photo and explained that was at a christening and they were the godparents. My heart dropped. I had been told by a voice on the other end of the phone something completely different that I wasn’t sure I could verify and here was the man that I cared about more than I had ever cared about anyone else before who had kept something from me….who was I going to believe?
I decided that I wasn’t going to believe either. I was going to take the situation for what it was…but then where did that leave me?.
“I don’t want to hurt you or your family. I am not going to say anything to anyone.”
“I know you don’t want to and that you wouldn’t hurt me or my family Ava. We can remain friends. I completely understand. I care about you Ava and I don’t want to hurt you. You know everything now so it is your choice”.
“Hugh. I don’t want to lose you. I just don’t know what to do.” I responded fighting back the tears. I knew that this was against every moral fibre of my being…but it was Hugh….the person who had saved me and he didn’t even know he had done that.
“I understand” he responded
We hung up and I stood there in the middle of a busy pathway while people all around me went on with their day….
What was I going to do?
In that VERY instant this song came into my head… “You’ve got the love – Florence and The Machine”
I realised this man was a drug to me, How was I going to let him go and walk away…I realised right then and there that I truly loved him no matter what…the problem was that I would NEVER be able to tell him…all because of something that he once said to me….right at the VERY beginning….the problem was…what was I going to do next?….My heart begged me to stay and my head…well it agreed!
“I don’t care. I don’t want to lose you. I am going to fly down next week…I need to see you. I care too much about you to lose you Hugh.” I sent him in a text message.
I loved him…that much I was sure of…and nothing was going to stand in the way of my heart….but what was I going to do next?.