Ok so I have found my inspirational song as I sit on my bed writing this.
As I listen to this incredible song “Baby I love your way” by Big Mountain I am also in the middle of texting James and deleting everything I am writing to him before I finally just decide not to send him a message.
I have made the decision of what I am going to do……absolutely nothing.
I am in a position right now that I really can’t breathe. I can’t imagine what it would be like right now if I ruined the most important friendship I have in my life right now. Its one of those friendships that I couldn’t ever imagine in my life without.
So what I have decided to do …. is close off that part of my life, I will see what happens. I am not going to be the one who makes that move….One of you out there said that the reason I wasn’t telling him was that I was afraid that he would run again…..you hit the nail on the head and then some….the only difference is….if he did run again….I would let him, close & lock the door forever and throw away the key. I wouldn’t put myself through it again….so like a chicken ill back away now….save myself from losing a friend forever.
I can literally feel the walls going up as I write this….and my head is telling me its the best thing to do.
Right so now that I’ve had that little rant…lets get back to where we left off with Hugh.
I can’t say that we have ever really talked about the first night we slept together since it happened….It took him 12 months to get me into bed and to be honest…I’m very glad I waited. He was the first person I had ever slept with in my entire life and he has taught me some incredible things about love, life and patience.
2 weeks after that night I decided I would fly down and see Hugh. I booked myself into a hotel and after my flight landed in the pouring rain I couldn’t wait to have a nice shower….I walked out of the airport I could feel his stare burning into my flesh without even knowing he was there… I saw Hugh….In a black Range Rover looking straight at me.
I sauntered straight over and shook my head. He got out of the car and opened the car door for me….seriously who does that any more?
He packed my suitcase into the car and my heart began to beat furiously as I knew he was about to get into the car.
He got into the car and I didn’t know what to say…I didn’t have to….he leaned over, placed his hands on my face and kissed me with such hunger and passion I almost melted into the seat.
I couldn’t wait to have his hands exploring me with a tender touch.
We drove in silence to the hotel and when we arrived he opened the door for me and helped me out of the car…..I have to admit I am a bit of a shorty and the car is massive!
I checked into the hotel and we went straight up to the room.
We ordered dinner and watched football laying on the bed.
Hugh poured a glass of champers for us both and my hands began to shake as I drank it. A few minutes later Hugh placed his hands over my eyes and took my glass placing it on the bedside table.
With my eyes shut firmly he placed a beautiful black and pink bag in front of me…When I opened the bag I found a beautiful present inside. I won’t go into details but I cherished it more than anything because he really put thought into it.
I placed my hand on his face and studied his eyes. He has the most incredibly intense eyes that with each breath will draw you closer to him without you even realising it.
His lips locked with mine and before I knew it I will grasping at his white business shirt pulling it off him with sheer hunger.
If you want to understand what I was feeling in that instant….the best song to listen to is “Iris” by Goo Goo Dolls.
As his hands explored my body and his breath quickened I realised that he was just as caught up in me as I was in him. He is like a drug….something I couldn’t give up if I tried….and the last week has shown me that what I have just written is true for both of us.
His passion was intense and his passion grew with every touch, every glance and every breath…there was no escaping it….I was falling madly in love with this man.
2 hours later I was exhausted in every sense…..both of us are insatiable and neither of us can turn off the feelings.
I was recently told by a friend that she understands exactly why we always end up together and why it is so hard for me to just give it all up….Her exact words were “There is a serious magnetic force between you two, you could be at the opposite ends of the world and somehow you would end up in each other’s arms….there is something “Romeo and Juliet” about it all….. let’s just hope it has a happy ending”.
Those words were like a knife in my soul. It was exactly what I DIDNT want to hear…my biggest fear has always been that if I ever did cut Hugh off….and ended up in another relationship would what we share be so powerful that I would do the one thing that I swear I would never do….cheat on another person….The answer I have recently come up with is simple….If I was truly happy, I could NEVER do that to another person….but they would need to be pretty Fu*king special!
That night Hugh left early and to be honest I was that exhausted that I couldn’t wait to sleep but I really didn’t want him to leave.
I got up early the next morning and hit the Gym. I was getting ready for a work function when it hit me…I was officially…the other woman!
I sat there on the rowing machine and burst into tears in an empty gym….I had to share the one person I had ever loved with another person and I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to cope.
I went back to my room and stayed there the entire day, I didn’t leave my room, I didn’t answer my phone and I refused to do anything but watch movies and sleep.
After a few hours I saw him call me….I picked up my phone and threw it against the wall. I watched it fall to the ground and began crying as it continued to ring.
When I awoke an hour later I picked up my phone and saw 2 missed calls and 5 messages. I ran myself a bath and sat on the cold floor tiles wrapped in only a towel. I heard the running water hit the water already filling the bath and felt the tears stream down my cheeks as I read each of these messages, one after the other.
“Thank you for such a wonderful night beautiful”
“Are you ok?, What are you doing tonight?”
“Are you still at the hotel?, I want to see you”
“If you don’t call me back immediately I will turn this car around!. Call me”
The only response I could muster was….”I’m fine” before I dropped my phone, towel and stepped into the steaming bath.
As I slipped my head under water I could feel my humiliation washing all over my body, I felt the pain in my heart grow and I felt my mind saying….I told ya so.
I was in so deep I didn’t know how I was going to get away unscathed…I felt like it was the beginning of the end….little did I know…It was just the beginning!