Funny

The Weeping Willow Tree

The Weeping Willow Tree
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Weeping willow trees have long been prized for their delicate, weeping branches that graze the ground with fluttering, silver-tinged leaves and are elegant and beautiful. So how could they be considered dirty and funny?

You're just going to have to read through the other dirty funnies to find out!

Family Dinner

The Weeping Willow Tree

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round, and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?" the son asks. "Yes. You see them, and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?"

The mother smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks. "Yes, dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration."

Why Did I Get Divorced?

The Weeping Willow Tree

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot, and so did my kids. I went to work, and my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.

As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there, and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said.

She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

The Virgin Bride

The Weeping Willow Tree

A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin, and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner.' So what we do is put the prisoner in prison."

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And they made love for the first time, and the husband smiled with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey, the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion, and they make love again.

The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yells, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"

The Wife

The Weeping Willow Tree

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

Rules are Rules

The Weeping Willow Tree

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner."

"I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me."

"Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."

The Menu

The Weeping Willow Tree

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads, "Cheese Sandwich: $1.50; Chicken Sandwich: $2.50; Hand Job: $10.00."

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

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"I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich!"

The Tattoo

The Weeping Willow Tree

A guy decides to do something nice for his girlfriend before they leave on vacation, so he gets her name tattooed on his penis. He comes home and shows it to her. She looks at it and says, "That's great, sweetie, but what is 'Wy'?"

He tells her to rub it, and as she does, she sees it reads "Wendy." When they arrive at Montego Bay, the couple is walking along a nude beach, and the boyfriend notices a Black guy with "Wy" on his penis. He asks the man if he also has a girlfriend named Wendy.

The black guy laughs and says, "Nah, mon, mine says, 'Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day.'"

The Nun

The Weeping Willow Tree

A man gets on a bus and ends up sitting next to a beautiful nun. Infatuated with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.

"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you." The man decides to try it and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.

"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha!" he says, "I'm the man from the bus!"

"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume, "I'm the bus driver!"

The Birthday Gift

The Weeping Willow Tree

A fellow is talking to his buddy and says, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped."

His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it... She'll probably be thrilled!" The first fellow does just that. The next day, his buddy asks, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"

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"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"

The Camel

The Weeping Willow Tree

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, father." "I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."

"I agree." "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything, father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts, and I was wondering if I might see yours."

"Well, under the circumstances, I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit, and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, frequently commenting on their beauty.

"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented, and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes, sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied, lifting his robe. "Oh, father, may I touch it?"

This time the priest consented, and after a few minutes of fondling, he was sporting a massive erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."

"Is that true, father?" "Yes, it is, sister."

"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's a*s, and let's get the hell out of here."

The Elderly Couple

The Weeping Willow Tree

There's an elderly couple who has reached that point in life where sex isn't part of the itinerary anymore. One night, the wife turns to her husband and says, "Every time one of us wants to have a bit of a slap and tickle, we just have to say, "Washing machine."

A night passes, and the husband leans over and whispers, "Washing machine." The wife gives him a shove and informs him that she has a headache. A few nights go by, and the same thing happens, but the husband is determined and reckons he'll just give it one more try.

He leans over and whispers seductively, "Washing machine." Yet again, the wife turns him away.

However, a few moments pass and the wife's needs arise, so she rolls over and recites the word, but the husband turns over and says, "Sorry love, it was only a small wash, so I did it by hand."

Heaven & Hell

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The Weeping Willow Tree

Two friends die. One goes to Heaven, and the other goes to Hell. The one that goes to Heaven begs the angel to let him visit his friend in Hell, and the angel agrees. He gets to Hell and sees his friend surrounded by beautiful women and alcohol everywhere.

He says to his friend, "Wow, you were a son of a bitch when we were alive! Hell looks better than Heaven." So the friend in Hell says, "Pour yourself a glass of wine." The heavenly friend pours the wine and notices that the glass has no bottom. The good friend looks at the bad one in confusion, and the bad friend says,

"The glass has no bottom, and neither do the girls. Welcome to Hell."

Grandpa's Wisdom

The Weeping Willow Tree

This young fellow is about to be married and is asking his grandfather about sex. He asks how often you should have it. His grandfather tells him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe you'll do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off, and you have it once a week or so."

"Then, as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, like maybe on your anniversary."

The young fellow then asks his grandfather, "Well, how about you and grandma now?" His grandfather replies, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."

"What's oral sex?" The young fellow asks.

"Well, she goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw you,' and I holler back, 'Screw you too!'"

The Weeping Willow Tree

The Weeping Willow Tree

A teenage boy takes a quadriplegic girl on a date to dinner and the movies. At the end of the night out, he drives her back home, and they start making out in his car. He tells the girl he feels uncomfortable doing this as her parents could come outside and catch them in the act.

She says not to worry because she has a place they can go. So he helps her in her chair, and she tells him to wheel her into the backyard. When they get in the back, she shows him a huge weeping willow tree that they can hide under and says he can do whatever he wants to her. Under the tree, she shows him two branches that can prop her up, and he has his way with her.

When they finish, he dresses himself and her, puts her back into her chair, wheels her to the front door, and knocks. When her father sees the young man, he thanks him. The boy feels very uncomfortable because of what he has just did to the man's daughter and asked, "Why are you thanking me?"

"Because, son," the father answers, "You are the first boy to take her out of the tree."