Funny

The Tourist

The Tourist
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Traveling can be serious business, so what could be so funny about being a tourist?

Humor is like food; it's a primal need in every culture. So, while traveling, you need to have laughter and food, sometimes you get both at the same time. You're going to find that in our last joke.

So grab some grub and read today's daily selection of jokes just for you.

The Old Woman

The Tourist

A woman decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel... When she checked out the following morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She demanded to know why the charge was so high, "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"

The clerk told her that $250.00 was the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.


She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center available for use."

"But I didn't use them."

'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."


"But I didn't go to any of those shows.."

"Well, we have them, and you could have."

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" The Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes of discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check, and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.


"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"

"That's correct, I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."

"But I didn't!"

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Two Guys

The Tourist

Two guys in their mid-twenties are sitting at a bar having a beer. One of the guys says to his buddy, "man, you look really tired".

His buddy says, "Dude, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend wants sex all the time, three, four, even six times a night, every night. She wakes me up at all hours. I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about 65, sitting a couple of stools down, overheard the conversation.


He looked over at the two young men and, with the wisdom of years, says… "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that nonsense."

The Outback Pub

The Tourist

A man walks into a pub in the outback in Australia and orders a drink. The barman asks him if he wants to have a go at the challenge. The man says, "what do I have to do?" The barman says there are three parts to the challenge.

Part 1: you have to drink this entire bottle of 200yr old whiskey and keep standing.

Part 2: there is a 20ft crocodile out the back with a sore tooth. You need to pull it out!


Part 3: there is a 99yr hooker upstairs that never had an orgasm before. You need to make her climax.

If you can complete all three challenges, you will receive a free beer from this pub for the rest of your life!

The man sits and drinks his beer, then finally says "I'll have a go."

So the man chugs down the bottle of whiskey in one breath. As soon as he downs it, he starts to stagger over to the door leading outside. He slams it shut and everyone inside the pub can hear things being knocked over, screaming, growling, glass smashing and then all of a sudden there's pure silence. A few minutes tick by, and everyone thinks the man has been eaten by the croc.


The door flies open and in staggered the man, his clothes are all torn, his hair is a mess and he has scratch marks all over his body. He takes a few seconds to compose himself and then says, "where's that hooker with a sore tooth!"

Wedding Tombstones

The Tourist

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever."

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."

The Prescription

The Tourist

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. He asks, "What for?" She says, "I want to kill my husband." He says, "Sorry, I can't do that."

She then reaches into her handbag, pulls a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife, and hands it to him.

He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription..."

The CIA Interview

The Tourist

After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists for the CIA assassin position — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her." The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."


The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife!" The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said,


"You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

Paybacks

The Tourist

Two couples are playing cards. John accidentally drops some cards on the floor. When he bends down under the table to pick them up, he notices that Bill's wife isn't wearing any underwear. Later, John goes into the kitchen to get some refreshments.

Bill's wife follows him and asks, "Did you see anything you liked under there?" John admits that he did. She says, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100." They decide that John should come to her house around 2 p.m. on Friday while Bill is at work. On Friday, John arrives at 2 p.m. He pays Bill's wife $100.


They go to the bedroom, have sex, and then John leaves. When Bill comes home at 6 p.m., he asks his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replies, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next, Bill asks, "Did he give you $100?" She thinks, "Oh hell, he knows!"

Finally, she says, "Well, yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."


Big Joe

The Tourist

An old hermit couple was living on a mountain until one day the man's wife died. Everything was fine for about three months, but he got lonely, so he went down the mountain to the town and went into the bar.

He sat down, ordered a beer, and asked the bartender, "Hey, do 'ya have any women?" The bartender said, "No, but we have big Joe." The man said, "I ain't like that" and stormed off back to the mountain.


Three more months go by, and the man decides to try asking again. He comes into the bar and says, "Hey do you have any women yet?" The bartender said, "No, just big Joe," so the man said, "I ain't like that," and again stormed out.

After a year or so the old man decided to try once more so he goes down the mountain, into the bar, and asks if they have any women. The bartender gave the usual reply, "Just big Joe." The old hermit said, "No, I ain't like that," but stayed and had a few drinks. He asked the bartender,


"If I were to do this thing with big Joe, who all would know?" The bartender said, "Well, me and you and big Joe, of course, and those two large men over there." The old hermit was taken back and said, "Why those two?"

The bartender replied, "Well, somebody has to hold down, big Joe. He ain't like that either."

A Little Period

The Tourist

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher called on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing he sometimes could be a bit crude.

But eventually, his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.


"It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well, I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning, my fifteen-year-old sister said she missed two. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

Virginity

The Tourist

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend, and my fiancee thinks I'm a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?" After the doctor stopped laughing, he says:

"Medically, no, but here's something you can try...on the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh, when your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."


The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for this.

They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing, and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in," she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby asks, "what the hell was that?" The wife explains, "oh nothing, honey, that was just my virginity snapping."


The husband cries out, "Well, snap it again. It's got my balls!!"

The Tourist

The Tourist

A tourist in Madrid goes into a restaurant and orders the "special."

The waiter brings it, and he asks what it is.

"These are cojones, Signor."

"What are cojones?"

"These are the testicles of the bull, the one which lost the bullfight in the arena this afternoon. They're very good."

So he tries them, and they are very good. He finishes them up and enjoys them very much. The next day, he returns to the same restaurant and orders the same dish.


When it comes, he asks, "What's this?"

"These are cojones, Signor. This is what you ordered."

"But they're so small! Yesterday they were so big!"

"Well, Signor…"

"Yes?"

"The bull does not always lose."