The Struggles Of Dating When You're A People Pleaser

Many of us have experienced the uncertainty of revealing our true selves in the initial phases of a relationship. It's natural to become a people-pleaser when we're unsure about how to balance our feelings of affection with our self-respect. However, this approach is not sustainable in the long run, despite our best intentions. Below are some of the challenges that arise when dating as a people-pleaser.

1. You're rarely honest

We're often taught that honesty is the best policy, but what if you've internalized the belief that your opinions don't matter? Or if you've experienced rejection in the past, causing you to overlook your partner's flaws out of gratitude for their attention? This can lead to a dynamic where you perceive your partner as having all the power in the relationship, and you're content to simply please them rather than assert your own agency. However, it's important to show your true self in order to build an authentic and fulfilling relationship.

2. You don't communicate your needs

As a people-pleaser, communication in dating can be non-existent or dysfunctional, resulting in unmet needs. It's important to remember that a relationship is a two-way street, and your role isn't solely to serve your partner; they should also support you. Finding the right balance is crucial, so don't let doubt cause you to overcompensate by smothering them.

3. You will accept poor sex

If you're averse to adventure and spontaneity, you may not be willing to improve your sex life in a relationship. Even if the sex is good or satisfactory, there's always room for experimentation with new kinks, positions, and conditions. Over time, you may become hesitant to provide feedback during sex, even though your partner likely wants to hear it. Don't presume that your partner doesn't want to be corrected; speak up and keep things fresh and exciting for both of you.

4. You define yourself by how you serve other people

Can you name three things you like about yourself that aren't related to serving others? It can be challenging to identify these qualities, as we often seek validation through people-pleasing. However, it's important to cultivate assertiveness and confidence, which are attractive qualities in a partner. So take some time to reflect on what makes you unique and appreciate those qualities in yourself.

5. You're constantly anxious

Assuming responsibility for others' emotions and burdens can be overwhelming. However, it's important to recognize that everyone experiences unpredictable emotional responses, and you can't always control or predict them. Despite your efforts to manipulate or hack the relationship, the reality is that you can't maintain control as much as you think. Be confident in yourself and your relationship, and remember that it's not fragile. You're both committed to the long haul, and you can always return to things.

6. You think everything is your fault

It's common to feel responsible when things go wrong in a relationship. However, many external factors can influence our daily routines and affect our relationships. It's important to stay calm and remember that you're not the only person with flaws, and sometimes people can be narcissistic. Relationships can end for many reasons, so don't always blame yourself.

7. You put your partner on a pedestal

Believing that your partner can do no wrong can stem from a lack of self-confidence or feeling unworthy of love. This can lead to suspicion and distrust, ultimately harming the relationship. It's essential to value yourself and try to see things from your partner's perspective. Reflect on all the reasons why they love you and recognize your own worth. Remember, you always have the power to end the relationship if you want more.

8. You're a chameleon

You may find yourself absorbing other people's personalities and inserting yourself into their lives, but struggle to reciprocate in the same way. Doubts and feelings of shame may arise when it comes to introducing others to your family or personal space. However, vulnerability is a crucial aspect of relationships and involves sharing aspects of yourself. While it may be a slow process, it is a worthwhile one that ultimately leads to greater comfort and intimacy.

Here are a few reasons why being a people-pleaser can create challenges in relationships and why it's important to address this tendency.