These are the funniest and most brutal horoscopes you will ever read about yourself. No offense intended.

Aries

Aries resemble self-righteousness and eyebrow expressions. They sometimes utter and do nothing. They mostly do the wrong things, and they never discuss it. Aries folks are in love with Pisces because Pisces individuals always make them somehow feel grounded. They like laughing at funny people from the moon.

An Aries is never born; they gaily out of their mothers' wombs. Aries marry many times just for fun, but they do not divorce. Their spouses are believed to have freak accidents leading to crippling injury or death.

Aries are error-free, and so they think they are God. They hold themselves often too high. People usually run away from Aries because they set them ablaze. Aries never listen to Scorpios because they take pride in being self-centered.

Taurus

Taurus's are so obsessed with movies where everyone is funny and jolly at the same time. They engage in fights with waiters and other times get upset with the billboards. They have a habit of psychoanalyzing their friends although they lack life experience. They muffle whenever describing the concepts of philosophy.

Taurus is believed to be that one strange bird that will hold a grudge on things that didn't even happen.

All Tauruses are looking forward to being God, but unfortunately, God is an Aries. Most Tauruses are so obsessed with conflict. For example, if nothing is wrong, then it is wrong. Most prefer bar fights and if they are not able to get a bar fight; they usually try to create interesting stories about themselves that they narrate to their friends before they are psychoanalyzed.

Tauruses are known as being impatient and pushy. They are always in a hurry to get to nowhere. They make very little dioramas about their homes and complete them with small effigies of specific individuals known to them. They try to act on imaginable scenarios as if they were God.

Gemini

Almost everyone loves Gemini because everyone is in love with people with schizophrenia. This is where one will think of being Michelangelo and Socrates, although in the real sense it is Bea Arthur and Prince. Geminis are known for driving funny cars, and they mostly drive them into buildings or trees. Geminis are overbearing and pushy. They will always start fights with young children and people they don't even know, especially at weddings or special occasions. They mostly use Libras as their punching bags.

Geminis make use of far-fetched analogies in order to describe their philosophical concepts. They rarely engage in sports competitions, and if they do, it is air hockey or pool. They are known as being a kind of medication, although this may not be a legal medication.

Gemini is a Latin word for "I'm Okay." They speak loudly so that they can be heard, but it is unfortunate because they speak to themselves most of the time. In fact, they engage in animated arguments, especially while in a bathtub. Gemini is known to be ambidextrous, meaning that they can pick both sides of their nose at the same time. Gemini is just a paranoid Aquarius.

Cancer

Cancers usually dress up since they have to, although they lack a good sense of fashion. Cancers can be compared to a walking lady, Home Journal. They are quick at drawing shortcake recipes and have important hints on how to engage teens. Cancers have the ability to describe their own philosophical concepts. This could be the reason why George W. Bush is known as being a Cancer.

Cancers have less influence over their friends, despite showing up with homemade soup to solve a minor or major tragedy. They usually wield their power from facts as they can tell how everyone is thinking. This is the reason why they are never incited.

Leo

You can nicely grab attention. Well, a Leo will interrupt your conversation, and they position themselves boldly like someone leaving before Leo finishes what he/she has to say. Leos do not marry because none is good enough for them, and if they marry their spouses remain locked up.

A Leo portrays themselves as an example of Overman so to describe the philosophical concepts. Leos like to be over the top to provide shock value. Leo is believed to resemble lions, meaning that they have cleft upper lips and very slimy noses. Most Leos are frightened by humility. That is the reason why Jesus was Capricorn and Buddha an Aries.

Virgo

Virgos are pointers. They elaborate on the charts about the concepts of philosophy. They are a hell of a lot of fun, especially for the assholes. Hell for a Virgo is being locked on an elevator for eternity with the naked Aquarius.

Virgo experiences a hard time coping whenever they notice something isn't in order. They don't see the world in shades of white and black but in shades of clean and dirty.

Aquarius

Aquarius likes partying, and they tend to be nostalgic regarding the 1960s because it was the last time they could be naked and get away with it. They just like being naked and it's better if they are crocked and naked. Aquarians are the only people in the zodiac able to play volleyball with themselves.

Aquarius makes use of phrases such as 'dude, man' when describing the philosophical concepts. They lack out-of-body experiences, therefore, if you're talking to an Aquarius and he or she zones away, it tells you that the conversation is hopeless. Aquarius help themselves to whatever they please, and they don't think much of it. They have the capability to piss off anyone who comes around.