This has to be one of the hardest confessions that I have written so far. I have been procrastinating all day because this was one of the most painful moments during my time with Hugh.
I went searching for a song to describe my feeling at this time and the best one is "A Case Of You - Covered by Javier Colon". The further I get into the story of Hugh and me, there will become a very clear divide between every one of you.
I don't want to give too much away but I will say that some of you will hate him and some of you will love him.
I have never met someone as closed off as I am Hugh is one of those people that you either or love or hate on paper...but when you meet him....you can't help but love him.
On the way home that night I was in shambles. I was so scared of what I was feeling that I couldn't believe I was even thinking it....I still wanted to see him.
The hardest thing about the entire situation was that I couldn't find the strength within myself to read the warning signs. The man was married....whatever that meant and I still wanted to be with him...What rational, sensible, and straight-thinking person would enter into something with a man that could never really be yours and yours alone?
I was at war with my morals and the feelings that I had developed. I didn't have the courage to ask him what him being married meant but if I heard the dreaded words that he was in fact still with her then I don't know if I would be able to continue this fight within myself and I was afraid that I would find myself still entertaining the idea...so I didn't want to know.
On the way home my phone wouldn't stop ringing...It was deafening because I knew exactly who it was and I REALLY couldn't answer it.
After 30 minutes of non-stop calling he finally stopped....Then came the text message....This is couldn't avoid opening.
I fumbled with my phone and opened the text message.
"Ava, I don't know what more to say. I don't like talking about my life. I don't like texting and I don't like emails....They have been used against me in the past but considering you won't answer my calls and let me explain I have to tell you this way...and this is not the way that I want to discuss this. I have been separated for 18 months now. I am not living with her. Stop running away from me and pick up the fu*king phone!!!"
I read this message at least 50 times, I was so afraid that I was falling into a trap. That my high hopes and secret wishes had been answered but were he telling me the truth?
I responded cool, calm and collected....far from what I was really feeling.
"Thank you for clarifying this Hugh, I am not running from you and I really don't have time to talk right now. I need you to know that I will not be a one-night stand and if you are looking for this then we may as well just part ways here because I will not lower my standards".
There...I had said what had been in my heart for the last 2 months. It had taken me 2 months to say it but in my own time, I had the courage to say it.
He responded moments later..."I wouldn't expect anything less, call me"
I didn't call him. I didn't even think about him for the rest of the night. I was exhausted and as soon as I got home...I crashed.
The following morning I woke up and the first thing I did was listen to music to block out my thoughts. I put my iPhone on shuffle and said to myself that the next song was going to explain how I felt about the situation with Hugh....well that next song turned out to be "Chains by Tina Arena". I will never forget what that song means to me and to this day...It still means a lot.
I called Hugh when I was on my way to work and he convinced me to meet with him that Friday night.
On Friday night I drove out of town to meet him with a friend of mine Leah.
On the drive down I told Leah everything that had happened and she immediately hated him.
I told her right from word go that she would say that but that when she met him she would feel differently. Well true to my word she really did hate him.
He kept texting me as we were over an hour late to meet at the apartment by the beach. He kept texting me and asking if I was really coming to see him or if I was just joking with him.
I called him and confirmed that I was indeed on my way but that we were running a little late....he really didn't believe me but he waited downstairs anyway.
When we finally arrived I had my sunglasses on, hair did and clear gloss applied to my lips. I knew what I was doing....I wanted the truth but I wanted him to squirm while he told me.
Now right from the beginning I had agreed to meet with him I knew that I would be staying with him.
We pulled up and as I got out and my heels hit the ground I knew I had to act confident even though my insides were turning.
Inside my head, I had "Can't Hold Us Down" playing. I was going to ensure that I had the best night....with or without Hugh.
I let him kiss me on my cheek but wouldn't let him touch me. I could feel the chilling hatred flying off of Leah as he gave her a hug.
We got into the elevator and Hugh tried to strike up a conversation. It wasn't as difficult for me to talk to him but I kept my guard up.
When we walked into the apartment I waltzed straight into the master bedroom and placed my bags on the floor. I turned around to Hugh looking at me begging to be able to speak to me alone but I grabbed Leah by the arm and went to look around the apartment.
As we reached the balcony we walked out to see the beach right in front of us and gasped in awe, right next to the incredible beach was a very booming city with bright lights and a nightlife that was surely going off.
At 7 pm at night it looks incredible!
Hugh joined us on the balcony and offered us a drink. I wanted to hit the drink hard that night and I really didn't care....I was going to get blind....I was going to drive him crazy.
We both accepted vodka and lemonade and we both sat down and lit up a cigarette. Hugh returned from the kitchen with an ashtray and said "I don't mind you girls smoking but I don't want you to be smoking all night.".
I gave him a frosty look and he immediately returned that with a hard stare begging me to try him before be backed down and asked what we wanted for dinner.
We walked downstairs and ended up at an incredible Italian restaurant.
When we ordered the owner came up to greet Hugh and they talked for at least 15 minutes. They knew each other very well.
A group of women walked in as Hugh sat down at the table to start dinner and within 5 minutes one of them walked up and said "Hugh?...Oh my god I knew it was you...I said to my friend when I walked in that I thought I could smell your cologne!".
I dropped my fork on the plate with such a loud clatter that it almost fell off the table. He didn't look at me but immediately grabbed my hand and squeezed it as the tall leggy brunette in a short white dress and tan the wrong side of orange said to her friend "I bet you he has a bottle on him right now....can I have some?...I love the smell!"
Hugh produced the offending object and gave it to her without so much as a smile as she began spraying it on both her and her friend.
He looked at me out of the corner of his eye and I am sure he could feel the fury flowing in her direction so he squeezed my hand tighter. It took everything I had in me to not say something to this woman. She was flirting outrageously!
I winced as he squeezed my hand tighter and moved his closer to me...it was then that she realized that he did not want to talk to him, she continued to ignore me and Leah and focused her attention on him. I tried to yank my hand away from Hugh in utter disgust as he introduced both Leah and me but he held on and tightened his grip.
She looked at me in disgust and leaned down to give him a hug showing her VERY fake set of assets. He tightened his grip again as I tried to pull my hand away.
She laughed watching the obvious exchange between Hugh and me before she waltzed off to her table with Hugh promising to call her with no enthusiasm.
Leah looked down at her food while Hugh looked at me with an apologetic smile. He began to say something but the look on my face told him it was best to stay quiet.
The only thing running through my head was that they had obviously slept together at one point in time....she had made a point of saying that she had now broken up with her finance and would love to catch up with him again! The nerve she had!
I have officially finished my dinner.
Once we had all finished dinner he arranged a car to pick us up. Now when he originally said a car service I began thinking ok a black sedan...when the car pulled up I didn't expect it would be for us....it was a black hummer!
The first place we went to was a nightclub/bar about 20 minutes from where we were and when we got out I deliberately lit up a cigarette...took one puff and flicked it into the nearby tray before blowing rings. He knew not to press me on this after what had just happened...I have to admit at this point I was well past tipsy.
When we walked into the bar we were immediately escorted to the VIP lounge.
When I say lounge I mean it was actually lounges that looked like beds. They were incredible!
When I sat down the manager came up to greet Hugh who was sitting next to me and still wouldn't let go of my hand.
We stayed for about an hour before we lost Leah to the club next door.
I eventually got her to come out....she was smashed...
We got into the car and Leah and Hugh had become instant friends.
The next place we ended up I had NEVER been to anything like it before....We ended up at a gentleman's club that was in such a high demand that the line was around the block....and this was a very VERY big block.
As soon as we arrived the royal treatment began again and we were escorted inside by one of the owners into a VIP booth upstairs where we had our own private shows.
Leah was so drunk and decided she wanted a lapdance....something she had never done before and neither had I.....When we sat down Hugh paid for her lapdance and looked at me saying...don't even think about it. My eyes dropped down to the hand he was STILL holding and he placed his finger and thumb on my chin, lifted it up, and kissed me on the lips ever so gently before his thumb rubbed my cheek and he mouthed...I REALLY like you, please give me the chance to explain.
In that instant every single bad thought left my head and I forgave him.
When we finally did leave I was a mess...I was blind drunk and Leah was nowhere to be found. I wasn't going to leave her and when I went outside I found her talking to a stranger who she was pretty much all over...So much for my wingman who was going to protect me from making the stupid decision of sleeping with Hugh.
We packed her into the car and got her upstairs....I pretty much sobered up and protected her.
As soon as we got her into the apartment she passed out.
Now that she was out I was scared....this was the point that I was ready to run a mile....I went straight out to the balcony and lit up a cigarette, closed my eyes, and hoped he would pass out.....no chance of that happening!
I pretended to ignore him as he came out onto the balcony. He sat down on the sofa opposite me as I lay on the long pool chair with my cigarette hanging over the balcony.
With one swift motion, he was up and over next to me with his hands grasping my face and kissing me passionately. I didn't move, my heart began to race and I desperately wanted to be with him but afraid of the consequences in my head the next day if that happened.
He climbed up next to me on the lounge chair, placing his hands on my hips he pulled me on top of him without removing his lips from mine. I panicked rolled over before he rolled over and hovered over my body with his.
He looked me in the eyes and whispered..."don't move....just trust me and close your eyes". Every single fibre of my being wanted to jump up and run away from him to be sick but something in his tone made me feel a little safer.
I looked at him and didn't even realize I still had a cigarette that I was holding over the balcony....I closed my eyes with the greatest reluctance.
For what felt like hours I waited for the worst to come, for him to touch me and for the feeling of bile to exit from it of my stomach....until I finally felt his fingers tracing lines across my face.
I relaxed a little as I felt his lips on my neck as his free hand slipped underneath me and pulled me to his chest. I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe all I knew was that I wouldn't allow my fears to rule me anymore.....or was I.
His knee separated my legs that needed to be pried apart with a crowbar before but this time I was distracted.
We were both fully clothed, he still in his business shirt and jeans while I was in my little black dress and feeling as limp as a rag doll as my adrenaline was pumping alongside my endorphins....I knew I wanted him as much as he wanted me.
His lips locked with mine as he tightened his grip around my stomach and I felt myself wanting more as his hand ran up and down my thigh lifting my dress ever so slightly.
The feeling of sheer terror and pure excitement pumped throughout my body but I still didn't move.
His hands began exploring my body and not once did I fear it more than any person who has been through what I have been through. I found my lips were showing my growing hunger and my body was giving away my fear by shaking uncontrollably.
He lifted me out of the chair and carried me into the bedroom with my eyes still closed.
I laid down on the bed and I feared what I had unleashed was not going to stop. I wasn't sure if I was ready to take that next step with him.
The night ended in pure ecstasy and I'm sorry to disappoint you all but I didn't end up sleeping with him.
Hugh kept his promise....he didn't push my boundaries and didn't try anything any further than that. We kissed all night and I lay on his bare chest wearing my silk PJ bottoms and black singlet top while he was wearing his grey sweat pants.
I had previously felt his excitement brush up against me as he lay on top of me. He was kissing me and caressing my neck but never tried to go any further than that.
I laid on his chest and my fingers started tracing his skin. Shortly after that, I fell asleep and woke to him rubbing my shoulders and kissing my forehead. I was still in the same position I had fallen asleep in.
We hadn't needed to say another word to each other as it had all been said in our actions the night before...If this was going to happen...it was going to happen on my terms...and my terms....had yet to be determined.