When we think of cowboys, we think of ruggedly handsome men riding horses through rattlesnake-infested deserts, roping steer, and drinking whiskey in saloons. While life on the ranch can be challenging, it also makes some tremendous funny jokes.
Pull up a barstool and grab your drink of choice. We have corraled some of the best cowboy jokes around for you.
The Cowboy Way
The cowboy was sitting on his horse and rolling a cigarette. The man approaches him and says:
"Excuse me, could you tell us how far from here is the closest town?"
The cowboy ignores him and continues rolling his cigarette, and the man, pissed off, says:
"Who the fu*k do you think you are? Are you gonna give me some directions or what?"
The cowboy gets down from his horse, looks him in the eyes, and says:
"I'm gonna smoke my cigarette, fu*k your wife, and you are going to hold my balls until I'm done."
After a while, the wife says to her husband: "Wow! That cowboy was kinda badass."
The man responds: "Nah, he wasn't. Did you notice the face he made as soon as I let his balls touch the ground?"
The Naked Cowboy
A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond-haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing but his cowboy hat, gun, and boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks, "Why in the world are you walking around like this?" The cowboy says, "Well, it's like this Sheriff..."
"I was in this bar down the road, and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did."
"We go inside, and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did."
"Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did."
"Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did."
"Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town, cowboy.. '"
"And here I am."
Blind Cowboy in a Biker Bar
An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says:
"Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club.'"
"I'm a 6-foot-tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, cowboy... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times..."
What Happens in Texas Stays in Texas
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking, and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
What They Say About Cowboy Boots
A woman went into a bar in Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it was true what they say about men with big feet.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Sure is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunk house and let me prove it to you!"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The following morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thank ya, Ma'am. I'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me for mah services before."
"Don't be flattered," the woman replied. "Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
A cowboy had spent many days crossing the Montana prairies without water. His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, confident that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it, and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull grey dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie, "You know how I work...You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this," said the cowboy, "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right. "OK! I wish I were alongside a lush spring with plenty of food and drink."
The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever ever, and he's surrounded by jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish. My second wish is that I was rich...beyond my wildest dreams."
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
He was turned into a tampon.
Moral of the story: If the U.S. government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.
The Men's Room
In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer, and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.
The accountant finished, zipped up, and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan, and they taught us to be clean."
The lawyer finished, zipped up, and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel, and commented, "I graduated from the University of California, and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
As he was walking out the door, the cowboy zipped up and said, "I graduated from Texas Tech University, and they taught us not to piss on our hands."
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales commences.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."
The second chimes in, "Why, that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday, and a fifteen-foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
The Pearly Gates
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.
"On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen."
"So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off, or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!"
St Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Couple of minutes ago."
A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair. "Fellas! My p***y is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take."
A big cowboy gets up, takes off his size 16 cowboy boots, and shoves them into her p***y. The boots are sucked right in.
He grabs a flashlight, and that too is sucked in. He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look, and he gets sucked in. Inside he hears noises. "Is someone else in here?" he asks.
"Yeah, I've been here for a week," the voice says. "Help me find my flashlight, and we can get out of here," the cowboy says. "Hell," says the other man, "help me find my keys, and we can drive out."
A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a glance and then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles taps his watch, and says, "Damn, thing's an hour fast."
Halfway through the semester, he foolishly squandered all his money.
He calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue, how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicking back in the recliner and reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
The father exclaimed, "I sure hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your Mother!"
Down on His Luck Cowboy
A cowboy down on his luck walks into a bar and sits down on a stool.
He orders himself a shot, and the bartender passes one down. The cowboy looks behind the bartender and sees a big glass suitcase full of money and asks, "Hey, bartender! What's that big glass suitcase full of money right there?"
"Hell, that's for anybody that can do three things for me."
The bartender jacks his thumb to the back, pointing at a 300 lb 6'5 behemoth of a man. "That's Phil, he fu*ked my old lady. You knock him down a peg, and that'll be one."
The cowboy looks back, sizes the bouncer up, and shakes his head, "On my best day, I could take 'em, but that ain't today, but go ahead and tell me about the second task."
The bartender passes him down another shot. "So, I got a Rottweiler in that back room. Bitch has got a tooth that makes her meaner than the devil. You pull that out, and we'll call that two."
The cowboy takes the shot, shakes his head, and says ain't no way, but asks the bartender about the third task.
"My grandma is right up the stairs and is long in the tooth for a good lay. You fu*k her, and the money is as good as yours."
The cowboy yells, "HELL NAW," orders another shot, and puts it out of his mind.
A couple of hours go by, and the cowboy keeps knocking back shots. Not too long after his 10th shot, the cowboy stands up, slams down the last bit of his money, and yells, "FU*K IT! I'M GONNA DO IT!"
He walks to the back, and before the bouncer can even react, decks him and knocks him out in one shot.
He looks back to the bartender and yells, "Well, where's that bitch?" The bartender points to the room, and the cowboy walks in, shutting the door behind him.
All that could be heard for a good long while was yelping and yelling until finally, the cowboy walked out.
Wrenching up his drawers, he turns to the bartender and says, "Alright now, where's that old lady with the bad tooth?"
What Happens in Vegas
An old cowboy decides to go on vacation to Las Vegas after working his ass off for a few years without much of a break.
He's having a grand old time gambling at one of the large casinos and hits a minor jackpot. He thinks that since he's in Vegas and has a little extra cash, he'd like to find himself a hooker since he hasn't had sex in a good while.
After a short while, he walks down the Strip and sees a smoking hot prostitute. He meanders up to her and says, "Hello, Miss. I see you're a lady of the night. May I inquire as to how much you might charge for a hand job?"
The hooker responds quickly, "Fifty bucks."
"Holy smokes, that's whole lotta money for a simple hand job!! I can probably get 5 hand jobs from Bertha, the cook back at the Ranch!" says the old cowboy.
The hooker looks him straight in the eye and says, " Well, you ain't at the Ranch. Besides, see all these diamond rings? (all 10 fingers have diamond rings) Well, I got those from giving hand jobs."
The old cowboy shrugs his shoulders and thinks, 'oh, what the heck,' and gives the hooker the fifty bucks. They go into the alley and do the deed. It's the best hand job the old Cowboy has ever had in his entire life. He sees stars; it's so good.
They part ways, and the old Cowboy goes back to gambling. A couple of hours later, he hits a reasonably large jackpot. He's still a bit horny, so he goes back out to the Strip to find the hooker. After a short while, he finds her and says, "Excuse me, that was one hell of a hand job. How much for a blow job?"
"$500", says the hooker.
"Holy shit," says the old cowboy, "That's just plum crazy!"
The hooker points to a nearby large black Mercedes Benz, shows him the key fob, chirps the alarm, and says, "You see that gorgeous car? It's mine, and I got that from giving blow jobs".
The old Cowboy shrugs his shoulders and hands the hooker five $100 bills, and they go to the alley and do the deed. It's the best blow job the old Cowboy has ever had. It's so good he almost passes out. He thanks the hooker profusely and leaves to return to his gambling.
A couple of hours later, the old cowboy hits a considerable jackpot. Now he's really horny and intrigued. He thinks to himself, "I gotta get laid!".
The old cowboy walks up and down the Strip for about an hour and finally spots the hooker. He runs up to her and says, "Hey there…how much for some pu**y?!"
The hooker points across the street and says, "Do you see that casino over there?"
"Yeah," says the old Cowboy.
The hooker says, "Well, if I had a pu**y, I'd own that casino!!"