So you met someone great at a party, or maybe a bar or a work function. It’s all the same at the end of the day. You were talking to them and you hit it off. There were sparks in the air and you felt those butterflies in your stomach. Maybe you had this on a date.
There was great conversation, an easiness.
And then, the night wore on, the person left to go find some food, maybe to chat with someone else. If it was a date, after one date, or two, or three, the person just stopped responding. You still have no idea what went wrong. You had such a great connection after all!
Just wait a second
Hmmm….not connection. You had a great conversation! Don’t confuse the two.
I’m here to tell you the harsh, but probably fair, truth. There are seven billion people on the planet. You’re sure to have a decent conversation with at least a few of them at any one time! That’s just the way life (and statistics) works. But just because you’ve found the conversation doesn’t mean you’ve found a real connection!
Don’t be confused between nice conversations and a real connection. They are different but related concepts. Good conversation is a necessary precursor to a connection, but a connection is a long term thing that takes place over a long time. It’s not something that just happens overnight.
Is it just conversation or is it a real connection?
It seems obvious to say this when you’re not worrying about losing the “love of your life” (don’t worry there will be others, trust us) but if you had a real connection with someone they wouldn’t just up and leave your life. Like, think about any real love that you’ve had – whether that be towards an ex, your family, friends, or even your cat or dog. Notice what you never did? You never just up and left. Sure maybe you and your ex broke up but for legitimate reasons. Also notice that you backed up your words with actions.
We’re pointing this out because it’s worth remembering that a real connection also means really caring about someone not merely having some sort of passing interest in them. There’s no specific way to tell the difference but you should keep a few questions in mind:
Are you slowly getting to know the person? Or is it all just surface conversation?
Does the person say things that sound good and then fall through when it’s time to come through?
What else is the person giving you except conversation?
You’ll often find if you all you have is conversation without a real connection there will be a certain emptiness to the connection when you look a little deeper.
To make this real – I have been fooled by great conversation!
For a while I was seeing a guy I found rather charming. He would tell me all sorts of things, and until I figured out the trick, I was continually let down by him. I believed him and when we were together it felt magical. Once I realized that he would say anything to get what he wanted and had no intention of actually coming through for me, the spell was broken. We really did have great conversations, but it was backed up by nothing – at the end of the day, and as hard as it is to admit, we didn’t have a real connection.
Even if you had a good conversation, let it go
This can be hard when you’re swimming in a world and searching for meaning, but a few good conversations doesn’t mean that something is meant to be. I should have let it go way early with the guy who was fooling me with his words.
Conversation does not mean you’ve found the love of your life. And it definitely doesn’t mean that you should get caught up in worrying about this person with whom you only had a fleeting moment.
If they are good conversationalists chances are they are having good conversations left, right and center (it kind of comes with the territory of being good at conversation). So it might happen that they simply didn’t get the same feeling that you did.
Don’t take it to heart. Think of a time when you’ve had a great conversation with someone but didn’t really feel anything more than that – it had nothing to do with whether the other person was a good person or not, or was good looking or anything else – it was entirely about you.
But don’t be a cynic
Sometimes great conversations can be a connection. We’re no fans of being cynical and in fact sometimes you have to take a chance in life. Nonetheless, keep your mind open to the difference between conversation and connection, and try to remember connection takes time and patience, whilst a great conversation is by definition fleeting. Enjoy the conversations, but keep your eyes on the real prize – a long lasting connection.