Published in May 2019 / Updated in Aug 2021
Today is one of those days that started out amazing but eventually turned out like you wished you hadn’t climbed out of bed in the first place.
Last night I had one of my closest and most valued friends come over. He is someone I have known for almost 7 years and someone who I hold as a very dear treasure close to my heart.
By the time he left I felt like my head was in shambles. I’m not ready to go into why (not that there is anything sinister in our hilarious night) it’s just that in order to know why my head was a mess…you would need to know the whole story…..so someday soon I will let you in on that…..and yes, he read the blog…..everything but what I wrote about him, lol.
So while I sit here on the way home from the office I decide the song that’s going on repeat tonight will be “Monsters by Something For Kate”……Literally one of my favourite songs if you listen to the lyrics and YouTube version, you will love it. Just close your eyes and breathe while reviewing your life. What you will come to realize is that I have a very broad range of musical tastes.
So while I sit here and listen to the lyrics I pull myself back to the day I met with Hugh after such a horrible night.
Leah and I left the apartment early and dropped our bags at the real estate before we decided to take a walk…..That walk lasted 9 kilometres and my feet ended up killing me as I did it in heels!
As Leah didn’t want to feel like the third wheel she decided to take the guy she met the night before along to dinner with Hugh and me…..they ended up dating after that.
When we arrived at Hugh’s office building I was starting to regret the choice to see him. I had a massive hangover…..well, that’s the understatement of the century. The fact that I was exhausted and crying all night doesn’t help.
He buzzed us through the intercom and we walked up five flights of stairs……on every inch of the walls of the building that he had built you could feel the success in the air and see all of the achievements that he had accomplished in his career.
He showed us around and proudly took us into his office….it was pretty much an apartment. He had his own kitchen, a bathroom which included a shower, office and a lounge room!
Leah and her new beau went to the lounge room while Hugh walked into his office and something drew me in and I followed.
When I walked in I literally couldn’t believe my eyes…..there was paperwork EVERYWHERE! There were folders, contracts and everything EVERYWHERE!
When I walked in he sensed me following and turned straight around and stopped dead in his tracks staring at me.
I stood there for about 30 seconds before my eyes began welling up with tears. He took a step closer and I took a step back before wiping the tears from my eyes with my finger.
Not a word was exchanged as we stood facing each other blankly.
In one swift movement he was in front of me with his arms around me and the tears began pouring out of me with violent trembles erupting from my shoulders. My legs went to mush and if he hadn’t been holding me I would have sunk to the floor.
He whispered in my ear “I am so sorry, I just couldn’t bear the thought of you with anyone else and I got jealous. I really didn’t want to hurt you.” As he tightened his grip around me my erratic breathing began to soften.
I took a step back from him, wiped my eyes and all I could muster saying was….”I can’t keep doing this, I need to know what I am doing with you or we stop this here”.
He ran his hand through his hair and sighed. One of the things he had said to me was that he didn’t date women younger than him because they always got clingy and he didn’t have time for the headache…I took the chance and laid myself bare….it was time I started being honest with myself.
He walked towards me and said “I don’t know what this is yet, I haven’t been this protective of someone who isn’t family in a while and I just don’t know. I can’t figure this out and it’s driving me up the wall. I don’t want you to be with anyone else but I just don’t know what I feel…..I know it’s not fair but I really want you to myself. I need to see you more…..I need to be around you and I need to figure this out with you.”
I took another step back as he came closer with a seriously worried look on his face….he knew I was ready to run and yet I couldn’t really tell him that it wasn’t just because of him. He just pushed me to a breaking point.
I looked straight through him at that point while I gathered my thoughts before he turned to me and said: “why do women have to complicate things.”.
I looked at him and spat venomously back “I am not someone you can speak to like that, I am not one of the hoards of women throwing myself at you and all I want to know is, if you want me to wait for you to figure out your sh*t then you better give me a bloody good reason!”
He looked at me with sorrow in his eyes and said “Ava, there is a lot to consider here and I am more concerned for you. I haven’t ever been this consumed by someone before and I don’t want to label it. The last time I put a name to what I was feeling it didn’t turn out so well. I don’t want to hurt you and I don’t want to lose you at the same time”
“Hugh you can’t have your cake and eat it too!”
“Ava I really like you, I want to spend time with you and I want to do it exclusively…..isn’t that enough for now?” He said, pleading it to be enough.
I put my head in my hands and took a deep breath before I heard him say “I’m falling for you Ava and I’m scared I’m going to hurt you….”
I opened my eyes and walked towards him. I looked him in the eyes and felt the truth as it poured from his soul…..he was in turmoil.
“Hugh….I can live with that for now but I’m not going to be at your Beck and call. I have a life and you can’t try to control me or I will walk away”.
He placed his arms around me and exhaled before whispering “I promise”.
We returned to join Leah and her beau before heading to dinner.
During dinner Hugh held my hand the entire night, he wasn’t going to let go.
After dinner a small argument erupted over who was going to pay and I kept quiet while Hugh and Leah’s catch argued it out. I knew not to argue with Hugh about money and I didn’t have the energy to fight.
When we left another argument erupted over who would take us to the airport. I intercepted and finally let Leah’s beau drive us as I knew I would see Hugh soon. He was crushed as I said goodbye.
On the drive to the airport I kept silent and put my shades on while tears ran down my cheeks. I was no clearer on what I was going to do and it was eating me up inside.
When we got on the plane, I plugged my earphones into the television and could feel the tears well up again as soon as I saw what was on….the same Usher marathon and the same song “Caught Up” was playing as the plane began to take off. The last time I had left Hugh I felt I had gained something but this time I felt like it was ripped from the depths of my soul. I felt bare. I certainly was caught up….and I saw no easy exit that my heart would survive.
Both Leah and I would never be the same after that trip…..we almost cancelled our flights and had made a pact that if our flight was delayed….we weren’t going home….fate obviously had other plans for us both!