I didn’t have the opportunity to say goodbye, you saw to that in your cold, selfish, uncaring way. I need closure, so this letter is my way of getting that, although you will never see it.
I’ve tried so hard to convince myself you were just one more man in my life who couldn’t live up to all he promised to be. It’s painful to acknowledge that but there it is. What did I do so wrong that you didn’t have the balls to tell me?
I gave you the best of me because I felt that is what you deserved. 100% of me, I believed you when you said you were doing the same, turns out your view of 100% and mine are totally different.
You relentlessly pursued me, I wasn’t playing hard to get, I was raw and vulnerable, unsure after all I had experienced if I could cope with a relationship. You convinced me otherwise, little did I know it was all part of the games you love to play.
You played so many games and told so many lies, you couldn’t keep up with your lies, could you? You’d mix your stories up, and I let it ride for a while at least, put it down to tiredness. You are a habitual liar, a liar who thrives on making up so many stories, why did you do it? Explain to me, please!
How many times did you tell me you loved me? Too many to count, but it’s clear you never did, you just put your dirty mouth into gear and said it for saying it sake.
I didn’t cry for a love lost, as it never existed did it? I cried for a period of my life that quite simply just wasn’t true.
You should stop and look at the damage you have caused, but you won’t.
I know I shouldn’t, but I do blame myself, as I must have done something to make you believe it was all okay to treat me this way. Friends say ‘Stop! It’s him not you, let yourself be free.’ Easier said than done.
The pain was unbearable. Red swollen eyes, chest pain, headaches and the worst of all the mental pain. Not wanting to see anyone, eating gallons of ice-cream. I was like the classic scene from Bridget Jones Diary and yes, that fucking song was in my head.
And what were you doing? Already out there dating and giving no fucks at the damage you had left behind.
All sounds pathetic right? Wrong it is called heartbreak. When you so carelessly broke me, I had to go through the cycle of despair to begin healing.
Yes, you broke me, but you didn’t finish me!
I want to thank you for opening my eyes. Thank you for showing me a different side of life, I loved you. I thought you would be the man of my life. Fuck did I get that wrong about you.
I do wonder if you have ever been treated in the same way. Is that what made you who you are? Do you believe pain for pain is how life should be?
That was two years ago. Feels a lifetime ago.
For a time, I went back to my beliefs as before you, that all men are selfish basic shits, who love to stick their fingers in open wounds of women who have had a shit time. Not all men are like you thank God!
Now I am a strong woman.
Now I am healed.
I do hope that you have grown up in the last two years, that you have become an adult, who cares for others the right way, but most of all I hope you have learned to love yourself, as only then will you become a better person and be able to love someone.
I do not hate you, I no longer love you and I do not miss you.
I know you will never apologize for the pain you have caused me, so I apologize to myself, I forgive myself, and I truly love the strong, independent woman I have become.