Growing up with an emotionally abusive father made it a top priority for me to avoid dating someone with similar traits as an adult. I made a conscious decision early on that I had already experienced one toxic relationship and did not want to go through it again. However, despite my efforts to carefully choose a partner, I eventually ended up marrying a man who shares many similarities with my father.

1. I only just realized how manipulative it is

My father's manipulative behavior, particularly his ability to gain sympathy by distorting the truth, was something I despised the most. He would manipulate situations to make himself appear as the victim, even when he was the one responsible. I never noticed this trait in my husband when we were dating, probably because he is a skilled manipulator and had hidden it well. However, now I can't help but notice his deceitful tactics, even his apologies seem insincere.

2. He takes things for granted

I often wonder how I ended up with a man who never takes anything seriously, especially when it comes to me. Despite my constant support and willingness to help him, he doesn't seem to reciprocate the concern. It's a painful reminder of my mother's experience when my father didn't bother to lend a hand, leaving her to juggle numerous tasks alone. He still expected her to fulfill his demands without hesitation.

3. He makes me feel small and neglected

My father used to make me feel inferior to him by screaming, cursing, hitting me, breaking things, and shutting me out. Similarly, my husband uses emotional manipulation as his weapon of choice. If I do something he doesn't approve of, he freezes me out and refuses to engage in physical intimacy. He acts as if I don't exist, which leaves me feeling vulnerable and powerless, just like a child again. I believe he feels empowered knowing that he has this hold over me.

4. He has a sneaky way of being controlling

During our dating phase, my partner displayed a lot of interest in my personal life. He would ask about my whereabouts, who I was speaking to, and even call me to express how much he missed me, even though I had only left for a short time. At the time, I found it endearing that he cared so much. However, I now realize that it was all a façade to cover up his controlling nature. His true desire was to have complete control over me and to have me all to himself, rather than love and affection.

5. Being married to him has cost me important relationships

Men like my father have a remarkable ability to make themselves the center of attention. Growing up, I always wondered why my mother never had many friends. Now I understand that her love and devotion for my father consumed all her time and effort. Similarly, I find myself sacrificing time with friends, canceling appointments, and ignoring calls and messages to prioritize being there for him. Eventually, my social circle stopped trying to reach out, and I barely recognize it now.

6. His anger issues are getting out of hand

The truth is, his issues with anger were never a secret. Although we both acknowledged that we had tempers, we made a promise to keep that out of our relationship. While this agreement may have worked while we were dating, it is no longer respected. He has no qualms about slamming doors, shouting, or even threatening me physically, claiming that he would win because he is stronger.

7. He doesn't know how to deal with being told no

In situations where he doesn't get his way, he closely resembles my father. He becomes moody, furious, vindictive, and plain wicked whenever I say no or decline to assist him with something. I don't want that kind of behavior in a partner, and I can't help but feel deceived for falling in love and agreeing to spend the rest of my life with someone like him.

8. Maybe deep down, I'm just a sucker for bad men

I believe I get too caught up in attempting to earn people's love that I disregard the warning signals that often come with it. Men like my father and husband can perceive this, and they exploit it. I assumed that he would be less of a jerk and less willing to tolerate those bad qualities in his own life since he had a terrible father as well, but I was mistaken.

9. I'm relieving old traumas in new ways

It's difficult to confront many of the issues I faced at home as a child as an adult. At times, when I observe my husband doing something, I have vivid recollections of my father doing the exact same thing or something similar. He's a good man, much better than my father, and I love him, but certain things cannot be fixed by love. I witnessed my mother attempting to change my father for decades, but he remained the same awful man. One thing is clear to me: I won't tolerate that nonsense any longer than I have to.