I have trouble making friends because my anxiety tells me things that aren't true. I feel like people think I am weird and don't want to be around me. Or, if they do actually like me, they are just pretending. My brain lies to me but I don't know when to trust it. So I don't have many friends because of it.
I Feel Safe At Home
With the friends I do have, I feel like I am a bad one. Some days it's just too much for me to want to leave the house. I don't do well with spur-of-the-moment plans so people just stop asking because they think I don't want to do things with them. I do, but I need time to get my mind around the fact that I will be out in public because people I don't know set off my anxiety.
I Don't Like The Phone
I don't like to talk on the phone and I don't like to gossip. It makes me feel put on the spot to keep a conversation going. I'd rather talk in person where silence isn't as awkward. Where I don't feel put on the spot to fill in the pauses in conversation with idle chit chat. So friends think I don't want to talk to them just because I don't want to talk to them on the phone.
Sometimes I'm Too Worn Down
It has nothing to do with my friends but sometimes anxiety and depression wear me down so much that I don't have the energy to text or engage in any way with anyone. I have so much trouble with my own problems that I don't have time or energy for theirs. It doesn't mean I don't care, I just don't have the energy.
I Need Alone Time To Recharge
Some people don't like to be alone. They get lonely and need human interaction. I am not that way. I need my alone time to recharge. If I am around people for too long, I feel worn down. Even if I really like those people, I still need time alone afterward.
I Feel Like A Burden
My brain tells me my friends really don't like me and that they are just pretending to like me. If I send them a message, I assume they are getting annoyed with me and think that I am too needy. So I pull back and stop sending messages, just so they don't think I am bothering them. They probably get offended by this but I just really don't want to be a burden to people.
Because of all of these things, I don't have many friends who understand. I don't like to be upfront about my anxiety but it tends to come out anyway. Maybe it's just better that I don't have many friends. Just fewer people to disappoint I suppose.