Published in Jun 2018 / Updated in Aug 2021
“Never treat someone like a priority when they treat you like an option.”
Someone should have repeated that to me every single day I spent with you. I always thought it was love until I realized you kept me waiting. I waited for the day you would open your eyes to see clearly the kind of love I had for you.
The sacrifices I was ready to make to walk through this journey with you. To grow old together with you. To watch, with a twinkle in our eyes, as our grandchildren played in the yard. To reminisce with you while sitting on the porch in rocking chairs, while we watched the sunset and waited upon the twilight.
But not everyone you are with is meant to take you to your sunset. I should have learned that the moment you started canceling plans. When you told me to “just take it by the day.” When titles were not important, or defining ‘us’ or letting people know about us.
You clearly demonstrated that your long-term plans didn’t go beyond Saturday night. When all of a sudden, you developed commitment issues. When you could never love me as I deserved.
Too much time lost. Love wasted. Hearts broken. And lessons learned. Though it wasn’t easy leaving you, I know it was never meant to be. I would have kept loving you devotedly while you used me as a convenience.
Your love for me reached as far as I could benefit you. Beyond that, I was just another woman, a placeholder, a bridge to get you to your destination.
Had I been wiser, I would never have settled. But the heart is deceptive, controlling even the mind, that common sense no longer remains. I had a lot of faith in you, in the empty promises of a future together ‘someday.’
Promises, you whispered as you held me close to you and kissed me so passionately that my worries and doubts flew away. Stories you told me to keep me drawn close to you. Close but not too close.
You had your wall built around your heart, a heavily guarded fortress unbroken by my unselfish love. And each time I felt I had a breakthrough with you, you would send me tumbling from the top of your gates to the bottom. Leaving me to nurse my wounds on my own. But you always knew I would come back to you. I would still let you in. My love was loyal.
My eyes were blind to your callousness. They chose to see the good things in you, to ignore the red flags that the wind always flew before me. To see the best you could become, the loving, caring man you would be once you changed. But you would never change.
Looking back, I wonder why I stuck around so long, only to have my heart trampled on over and over again. Broken until it could break no more.
My eyes were never dry, for my heart bled. The tears of anguish and loneliness. Where had I gone wrong? Wasn’t all my love, understanding, respect, second chances, and commitment enough? No, I guess it wasn’t.
As is said, ” where your heart is, there lies your treasure.” Your heart was never with me. Only it took me so long and so many emotions to realize this. I had to end this cycle. I had to protect my heart and sanity and take charge of my happiness.
I had to stop being naive. I grew wisdom to realize that it would never work out with you. The tears I shed cleared the fog in my eyes, made it clear for me to see that the two of us would never get anywhere.
That love alone was not enough and no matter how much we felt, leaving was the only way to happiness. That setting my standards high was vital, standards about what I deserved and what I am worth.
I had to stop the crazy cycle from spinning. I had to end the emotional trauma, the lovelessness, and the pain that came from loving you. I had to build a protective wall around my heart, a wall only broken by true love, respect, and commitment. I had to learn that I deserved to be treated as a priority, not as an option.