We all know being ill is not a fun time for us, but laughter is the best medicine, and the next dose of medically inspired jokes is sure to make you feel better!
Meanwhile, at the Sperm Donor Bank
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.
He goes up to the nurse and demands for her to open the sperm bank vault. She says, "But sir, it's just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault, and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says, "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!" She looks at him, "BUT, they are sperm samples???", "DO IT!".
So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well.
Finally, after four samples, the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See, honey - it's not that hard, is it ?."
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing."
"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, but still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, but still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
Beautiful Woman Goes to a Gynecologist
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman, and all his professionalism goes out the window.
Right away, he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed, he begins to stroke her thigh.
As he does this, he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps of breast cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He asks her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."
In a Pickle
Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?" "Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill, I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, um, she got fired, too."
Never Been Better
An 80-year-old man was having his annual check-up when the doctor asked how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No, what?" The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him." "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot the bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL has no improvement.
"Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little."
"Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took our advice, and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years, and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" "Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help." "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house."
A woman goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I've got a problem. You see, I was born with three vaginas. What can you do for me?"
The doctor gets the woman onto the table and examines her. Sure enough, she has three vaginas, side by side.
After a moment's thought, the doctor goes to his desk, opens a drawer, and gets out a roll of duct tape. He then proceeds to tear off two strips and places them over the woman's two outer vaginas.
"Ok then," says the doctor when he's finished, "you can get dressed and go now."
"Has that cured my problem then?" asks the woman.
"Not really," says the doctor, "but at least it'll stop you from getting screwed left and right."
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.
2. At lunchtime, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before returning to work.
3. For dinner, fix an especially nice meal and don't burden him with household chores.
4. Have sex with him several times weekly and satisfy his every whim.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.
"You're going to die," she replied.