Right lads, let's sit down here for a second. So, it's finally happened. Your best mate finally bit the bullet and asked his best girl to chill with him forever and she went rogue and said 'yes'. Party central, right?
A week later and you had a proper (slightly teary-eyed) heart to heart with your best bro and you have been appointed arguably the greatest social honour to be his best man. We all know what that means; you're on speech and bachelor party detail. One of those duties is slightly less scary than the other, so while you procrastinate writing your speech, let's instead start a Pinterest board for a super fun bachelor's party.
One small issue: it's got to be sans strippers.
That's fine, that's okay. Here's where we come in, with a handy list of the top ten ideas to keep the bachelor party rogue and entertaining but also free from strippers...
1. Fancy dress bar crawl
The old faithful of bachelor parties, where you have the staple tradition of fancy dress (in which one lad will inevitably go as something lowkey problematic but everyone will be too bevved to properly challenge it)
2. Trip to a foreign city
Either keep it simple with a quick classy round trip to Barcelona or find a fun road-trip route around a new continent that means you can try a ton of new things (that aren't sexually deviant). You don't even need to tell anyone the real destination. Keep an air of mystery!
You might be on the wrong continent, but if you can get there (or to any other more local gambling haven), you and England's finest can have a riotous time. After all, what happens in Vegas...
4. Spa trip
This is slightly tongue in cheek, but I'm not joking. If you and the lads want some good old-fashioned R&R, most spas have saunas for you all to stew in, golf courses for you to romp about in, and a day of de-stressing self-care for all to enjoy. You might get stick for suggesting it, but I guarantee that the guys will love it by the time they're there. It's literally a spa. What's not to love? For better or worse, this is also 'father-in-law friendly'. Do with that what you will.
5. Foam/Paint party
Okay, so it's the last night of freedom for your nearest and dearest, so what better way to spend that than reverting to your twelve-year-old selves and throwing paint around all day? It's both exciting, fun, and a nostalgic reminder of all the connections and friendships that have stood the test of time from childhood.
6. Risk it all and get a boat!
Seriously! It may be pricey but you can truly get a unique experience and go all out with your mates. I only advise that you keep the more drunk among you away from the waters' edge. Drowning tends to put a bit of a downer on things, so exercise caution. But booking a boat will blow everyone's minds because boats=cool. It's a fact of life.
7. Treasure hunt, but with more adult goodies
You can go all out for this theme or keep it chill, whatever works. Classic themes include anything from pirates to penises; pink unicorns to Vikings. It just depends on how secure you're feeling in your masculinity and how willing you are to race Tim from Accounting to the final dildo where x marks the spot.
8. Beer garden
Rent out the whole building, decorate accordingly, and have a beer connoisseur tell you all about the nodes and depth of flavour while you chug your Carling with your mates. Simple but effective. Also 'father-in-law friendly'.
Remember when you guys all met in the Scouts way back when in 2005? Well, it's time to cash in all those survival badges that you never got. Spend an evening under the stars, living off the land with a beer in hand. Play football or tag or whatever it is that you guys do when you're alone together.
10. Host a karaoke night in a field or open arena
Where there's no time for insecurities and ensure that everyone has had two piña coladas before commencing the first rendition of ABBA, as soon as someone starts singing from the soundtrack of Grease, there's no going back.
The important thing to remember if you're getting overwhelmed is that everyone coming to the party will already be ready to have a good time and catch up with old friends. Don't stress too much!
So long as Danny has found his Sandy, you'll be grand!