Before I met him, I was just an ordinary girl. I had beliefs in happy endings and love. I saw other people stuck in toxic and abusive relationships, and it never crossed my mind that it could happen to me. From a young age, I wanted that normal happy life. I wanted a home with a man to have children with some day. I found a home. However, my heart is in a mess.
Where did I go wrong? Did I ask for too much?
I should never have fallen in love with this person. I should have trusted my gut feeling that told me to run away. My entire soul disapproved of him — I became stressed all the time. I was always anxious, and in some cases the pain was physical.
I held on to hope that he was going to change. He never did.
He went on draining me until there was nothing left inside me. I turned into an emotional disaster. Even my tears wouldn’t shed anymore.
He blamed everything on me.
His wrongdoings and mistakes somehow always became my wrongdoings and mistakes. ‘Sorry’ was an alien word for him. He felt no remorse nor did he regret anything since he never really cared about how I felt. He actually never cared about anyone.
He only loved himself.
Yes, he was able to love someone, only the someone was himself. When people followed him and served his requirements, he was elated. If something didn’t go as he intended, he went berserk. For me, he never saw me shed a tear. He never felt or saw the pain I had. My feelings meant nothing to him.
He was very jealous.
He was envious of my friends and family. He was also jealous of me. He wanted to take me away from anything and everyone. He became jealous of my kind and fun nature, and he only wanted my kind, fun and loving nature to himself.
He manipulated my mind into believing in stuff that didn’t occur.
That is a common thing with emotional manipulators — they know precisely how to take advantage of your love for them. Every moment that he did terrible things to me, he convinced me it was the best thing for both of us. To him, I was the one who was crazy and always obsessing over something that was not there.
I was alone and my heart was broken. However, I chose to brush off the pain and let him walk away. I decided to battle for my life and sanity. To fight for those dreams that were still bottled inside me. I understood that it was going to take time for me to heal and rise again from the ashes because I had been a victim for far too long. I was scared. I was afraid of loving someone ever again.
However, I understand that I did not deserve to be in love with a psychopath. I deserve real love with a real man. I was no longer sorry for myself and began the process of healing.