If you think you can take down the walls I have built around myself, you have quite a challenge ahead of you. Don’t get me wrong, I know what I am doing, and trust me, I didn’t willingly sign up for it.
Believe it or not, I am sometimes concerned that I will never let anyone in because I want to keep my heart away from heartache.
But I have my reasons.
I protect my heart with earnst because I know what heartbreak feels like. I have gone through several of them. The wounds have not healed, and time and again the pain wells up inside me and reminds me why I have to protect my heart with all I have, for it is all I have.
I am not making any excuses; I know that many people have been through this deep pain and that they still carry with them the wounds people they had trusted and loved inflicted on them.
I would like to be free. And I totally was. I got hurt in the process but still held on to my optimism. But I ended up giving way too many chances to people who did not deserve them. But getting hurt one time after another began to take its toll.
That is why today, caution has become my guide in the matters of the heart. I don’t ignore any red flags, because I am not sure if I fall for the wrong person again and get hurt that I will get back up again.
But I am also this guarded because I know with certainty that no one will protect me as fiercely as I can protect myself. I am willing to believe this until I am proven wrong, and I sincerely hope that one day I will.
I am no stranger to failure; and I don’t consider that a bad thing. Failing has taught me to be strong, and it has taught me a few important things about life as well. But still, it has left me reserved and vividly aware of the fact that the worst can always happen.
But I am not entirely to blame for my perspective. Friends, lovers, family and other people have let me down and taken me and my love for granted.
And so today, trust does not come so easily to me.
I have heard people argue that I should loosen up and be open-minded. That I am turning into a pessimist. But I don’t think they understand, because if they did, they would know I am anything but a pessimist. They would know that when someone tries to get close, it stirs up a lot of deep feelings within when you are constantly reminded of the things that hurt you so deeply in the past.
And I have no regrets. Staying guarded was my choice, and it’s because up until now, nobody has made me feel safe or secure. I don’t know what love without pain feels like.
The one thing I know for sure is that, right now, no one has ever protected me as much as I can myself.