I don't have the strength anymore. I am not even sure where to begin describing my predicament. I am losing myself, and I can't even explain how I feel.
I am exhausted and falling apart on the inside. I don't know how much longer I can take this. I hate that I have to put a fake smile on my face all the time. The pretense has been going on for long enough, and the weight of having to act like I am strong is heavily weighing on me.
I wonder, am I allowed to come undone? I have the right to take a break from it all, right?
Yea, I am well aware that I am strong. There is a lot I can put up with, but we all have our limits. After putting up with everything in my life, I am starting to see a limit to my patience.
I know – strong women can handle everything life throws at them. But they have emotions, and who takes the time to consider them? Who cares about what goes on in their heads?
As for me, I am worn out from all the acting. I know I am strong, but my mind and body have run out of strength. It might not appear so, but a little deep look beneath the surface will prove that deep down I am falling apart.
Being strong was never a choice. I had to be as strong as a basic necessity of life.
When my problems were overwhelming, I had to be strong and fight back. This was a brave choice. I could have walked away, but instead, I stood up for myself. It was frightening, and I felt trapped. I knew I had to fight to survive or suffer a crushing defeat.
I chose to be strong, and look where that got me.
Today, I am exhausted, and the last thing I need is another battle. I know many battles are on the way, but I am not so sure I have the strength to win them. I am not sure I can do the fake smiles anymore.
The world might think I am strong, that I can solve any problem that comes along. What they don't realize is that they have more confidence in me than I have in myself. What they could not see was what the constant battles were doing to me. They are not to blame. It's not like I let anyone in on what I was going through.
I went about life without depending on anyone. I took care of myself, and I never thought I needed anyone's help. Today, the reality that has dawned on me is that even the strong have their breaking point. At one point or another, you have to accept that you cannot do it on your own.
And it's okay. We should have someone in our corner, even though we shouldn't run to them every time we need assistance. A kind word and a listening ear can go a long way.
It was never my intention to ask for anyone's help. There is no shame in asking for help when you need it. In any case, being able to use all the strength and resources around you, even when others are involved, is the true measure of strength.
The important thing is to win, not to win alone.
So today, I could really use someone I can lean on. I am not talking about financial assistance, but emotional support from someone who assures me that all will be well. A life whereby you have to go through everything on your own is not truly worth living.
There is nothing wrong with being strong for yourself and for others, but when you are tired or need someone, it's alright to let someone give you a hand.