I am not like other girls. My overthinking makes it hard for me to relax. Even when you call and say you love me, I will obsess over it, and there will be no explanation for it.
I also sweat the small stuff.
Everything that comes to my attention will be overanalyzed. Because I am inwardly concerned you might lie to me. I will have trust issues. I will try to find out what the words you say secretly mean, however innocent they may seem.
Loving me will not be easy. And I know that it's not easy for you to love someone like me. But it's all because of my overthinking. For that, I am truly sorry.
Know that I don't do that intentionally. It is just the way I am wired up. But I swear that I love you.
You probably wonder why I am like this.
It is because of fear. I am afraid that something terrible is going to happen in the future. But what I fear most is being caught off guard without seeing the warning signs and preparing myself.
I have been hurt severely in the past, which is why I am so cautious when it comes to matters of love. The last thing I want is another heartbreak.
It is for this reason I consider so carefully every step we make in this relationship. And yes, I understand that my pessimism is often uncalled for, and it's because I am worried that you will leave me for someone better.
I fear that you will have had enough of me and find someone much easier to love. I am afraid that you will look for someone who is not the kind of mess I am. For these reasons, I might not show you how much I love you, but I do. Instead, I will start to analyze everything we do. The touching, the kissing, and everything else to see if it is as I had expected. My concern is that you will leave.
Whenever I get into a fight with you, I will get hurt because I focus on things I should not pay much attention to. When you make jokes about me, I will think, on some level, that there is some truth to them. That feeling will consume me and almost drive me crazy.
I am forever on the lookout because I think that only bad things can happen in my life. I feel like I am not so deserving of good things. That is why I often wallow in negativity.
But I have a lot to offer. I often wish that I was stronger so that what we share could be much more exciting. In my mind, I will come up with fights just so that I am ready when they actually happen.
It is not that I am trying to make things up. I do all this because I am trying to safeguard my heart. I don't think I can stand getting hurt another time.
I have no idea what would happen if I lost control. For that reason, I try to ensure that I am in charge of everything that happens in my life.
Even when something good happens, I am usually not able to truly enjoy it. I know, it sucks being me.
But it's because deep down, I feel like I am unworthy of happiness. I tend to think bad things follow those good things. You know, for balance.
I will sometimes need time alone and will not always have time to talk with you. I don't do it to ponder or untangle the deep mysteries of the universe. No, I do it to have some peace of mind.
Therefore, I urge you to take it easy on me. Remember, there is a fight within me all the time, and because of that, I might not always give you the attention you need.
But I apologize. Because I know that my overthinking makes me hard to love.
But know this – I have a lot of love to offer.
You just need to be patient and understanding and be willing to accept me the way I am.
I worry that you will try to take advantage of me. And what worries me, even more, is that you will do something to me that will make me even harder to love than I already am.