If you have ever dealt with someone that has serious issues, such as mental illness or a past damaging relationship, you know that it is not always an easy task. You have to repeatedly go through the same conversation with the constant fear of being pulled away or too close. One of the hardest things to know is what the other person may need.
When someone has been abandoned repeatedly, especially in the same manner, they automatically create this “mental block” that the next person will act exactly as the previous person did. At this point, the new person has to struggle to prove beyond a doubt that he or she is different. Initially, this may not be expressed; however, they need a lot of convincing that you are different from the people who hurt them in the past. According to a quote by an unknown author, “She wanted to say ‘don’t leave me,’ but she couldn’t do it, not again. She was so tired of begging people to love her.” Yes, convincing is all she needs.
If they deal with anxiety or abandonment issues, they will form an assumption and fear the worst. That the person they’re currently with will leave them. It is an inner battle that is hard for them to control. It brings a sense of insecurity when they are in any relationship. This “attitude” can drench them like a wave that crashes on a shore. Like J. A. Konrath once said, “One of the greatest journeys in life is overcoming insecurity and learning to truly not give a shit.” This attitude and fear they have are not done intentionally. Rather it happens to them naturally because of their past experiences. Do not confuse this feeling with insecurity. It means that they are just not secure with people when it comes to a relationship, but that doesn’t mean they do not want the relationship with all their heart.
Things may get out of hand and intense for you. It may be overwhelming for you to deal with. It can become disheartening when you have to listen to what they say. However, do not take it personally because their previous relationship experiences are what made them think that way.
If you love them, the greatest thing you could offer at this point is reassurance. Undeniably, they will make up situations. They may become over-sensitive and form arguments within themselves because you do not see what they see. You are blindsided by what they are thinking because they do not always know how to talk it out. Keep on reassuring them because “each person deserves a day away in which no problems are confronted, no solutions searched for,” says May Angelou. Make yourself hard and irresistible not to believe. Remember that they may doubt you at first and come up with pointless things regarding their past. How you deduce things may be different than how they interpret it because they are coming from the standpoint of fear. Give them a chance to feel “comfortable” with you.
At times, they may repeat conversations with you. They are not making it that way to argue or stress you. They want reassurance. They are afraid to ask for reassurance; they feel that you may push them away and leave as others have done once it is discussed further. Nevertheless, if they eventually mention it, you need to know that they are serious. You must understand that the problem is not with you. You are exceptionally okay. They know within themselves that the issue is with them. They are conscious that this will create a rift in the relationship, but it is not their fault they feel this way. Stand by them, be persistent, and never let them go. The selfless lovers are those who fear loss. They will do everything and anything for you. They are wholeheartedly lovers. In the words of Dalai Lama XIV, “Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them.” Therefore, do all you can to help her be the best she can be.