I know I am clingy. Ironically, I can also be distant. On some days, I will send the first text. I will give a compliment, and everything I say will be positive and upbeat.
On other days, all I want is to be left alone. I lock myself up and let the calls and the texts go unanswered and put off any plans for the day.
The point is, I can be as distant as I can be clingy.
Although sometimes I am generous, at other times I am selfish. I could offer to do favors, help when a friend is in need, and yet, the next day, all I care about is my needs. You could even say I am a total bitch because all I care about is myself.
Being alone makes me happy, but it also makes me lonely. At certain times, I am in my element, alone enjoying reading my favorite books, watching my shows, singing in front of the mirror, and so forth.
On other days, I keep my phone close hoping a call will come, a message perhaps. I long for human connection during these times. The waiting takes a toll on me and makes me feel like I have failed for not having someone in my life.
Despite my independence, I am also very lonely.
When I get to work, I put my heart and soul into it. I can also be very lazy, barely having enough motivation to get out of bed. When I lie on the couch, getting up to reach for my phone when it beeps seems like it's not worth the effort.
Sometimes I will work through the night. I complete several days worth of work in just a single day. So, for me, it seems like I am always moving from being too busy and hardworking to being very lazy.
One thing life has taught me is that the features that define us keep changing. We also show our different sides to different people. Your boss might think you are the most hardworking person ever. However, your family members might think you are the laziest person in the world based on all the days you spend curled up on the couch.
Some people might think you are too soft and suggestible, while others might only know you for your stubbornness.
So, we are neither bad nor good. And I think that makes us human.
This realization carries an important lesson for us — we should go easy on ourselves. We should not spend too much time thinking about how we fall short. We will never be perfect, and nobody will ever be.
That weird public speech you gave should not make you feel undeserving. You have failed once or twice, but you have also succeeded countless times. And it's like that for everybody.
You are more than a single personality trait. Yes, we are very complex. And so, sometimes we can do things that are the complete opposite of who we are.