If It Doesn't Take At Least An Hour, You Aren't Doing It Right: How We Say Goodbye In The Midwest

If It Doesn’t Take At Least An Hour, You Aren’t Doing It Right: How We Say Goodbye In The Midwest

Unless you are from the Midwest, you have a lot to learn about saying goodbye. Compared to these folks, everyone else is ridiculously phoning it in with their parting rituals.

It doesn't matter if it was after a Thanksgiving after a visit to grandma or parting ways after spending some time with a long-lost friend. Here is the Midwest, you have to do it right, and I'm here to tell you how.

1. "Welp"

This is just the signal that you intend to leave, and it is the first step in this lengthy process. You just stand and welp, but it doesn't mean you will be out of there anytime soon.

2. Hugs

These are for everyone, including the babies and dogs. This obviously takes time. Midwestern hugs are not brief, they have to be as long as comfortably possible.

3. Walking To The Door

Be careful, you don't actually quickly walk to the door. This is a slow walk to get to the door, it should take about 20 minutes since you have to recount all the good times you had during your time together. This is also the time to make plans for your next meeting. This part is very important, and it can't be rushed.

4. Doorway Chat

Once you are in the doorway, the next stage of the goodbye process begins. Here, you start chats that have nothing to do with leaving, and it's mostly funny stories that leave you in stitches. If done right, this part can take 45 minutes, unless you need to use the bathroom, in which case you go back to step one and start all over again.

5. "We Should Really Get Going," Stage

This means it's time to end the stories and really leave. But not to Midwestern folk. It's time to head out to the car and leave, but first, these four steps are waiting for you.

6. Hugs

No, these are different. It is the second round, and they take less time, but you have to work in some back-patting and side swaying.

7. The Doorknob

After the hugs, you walk to the door and hold the doorknob. You are already at least an hour into the goodbye process at this point. With your hand still on the knob, you have one last conversation, and it goes on until someone other than you says goodbye in a strange voice that makes everyone laugh so hard and start telling jokes based on movie quotes.

Now, you only have a step to go before you step outside, but you have only used like an hour. So, you are doing great.

8. Opening The Door Slowly

If you are not careful, this stage can lead you back far beyond step one of the goodbye process as you might get invited back in for a snack. After all, an hour is enough to have already digested your huge Midwestern meal. But otherwise, this process comes with a slow walk to the driveway while having a conversation about anything.

9. Window Wave

Finally! You are out of the house and in your car. But now, you have the window wave remaining. Your expected response here is a honk to show your appreciation. And not just a single honk, but several until you satisfy your hosts.

And that's it! So simple anyone can do it. All you need is some patience.