Saturday night usually
feels like a good time to get drunk at your local watering hole. But
that’s not me. All I want on a night such as this is to stay indoors and
take a break from all the madness that is going on outside.
My ideal evening is being curled up on the couch or in my bed, enjoying a good movie or listening to my best music tracks while sipping on my favorite beverage. This is my idea of heaven because I cannot imagine anything that makes me happier.
You are probably asking — who does that?
I’ll tell you everything.
I am totally worn out. I am under so much pressure that I feel lost. The world has drained me of all the energy I have to spare.
For instance, I am out of bed at 8 in the morning in a rush to avoid being late for work. By nine, you should have showed up for that depressing 9-5 job, pretend that it means the world to you, and get exploited by your boss while you smile and nod along like an idiot. You do this until the day ends to ensure you get paid.
But it’s not all about work, you have other things in your schedule that need your attention. You have errands. For instance, how long has it been since you checked on your parents? What about that friend who has been insisting you go out together for lunch? You have to join a friend and hear them go on and on about tedious stuff that will never change your life for the better. You waste a lot of time this way, and you pay the price by feeling tired and drained.
When you finally get home, you have a bunch of things that need your attention. You do as much as you can before finally getting to bed until the next horrible day begins.
Is this all there is to life?
All I know for sure is that I have had enough of it. I have no recollection of the last time I rested. I wish I could get a day when I can rest and just be.
A day to me always feels like a long tedious list of things that need to be done. And yet, I feel like I am not making any headway. I need an outlet for my frustration and exhaustion.
The list of things I need to do never ends. I try to work harder. I try to be more organized. But nothing ever works. This is incredibly frustrating.
I keep coming up with plans to make things easier and to ensure that I achieve something, but I end up right where I started. Worst of all, it makes me feel more hopeless about life in general. It’s a vicious circle that gets worse and worse.
I don’t know if I can take it any more.
That is why I might seem like a bitch for making a last-minute cancellation to plans we had in place for weeks. Tonight, I will not be spending time with friends as usual. I want to be alone because I am completely exhausted.
I need time alone, and I
get it if that makes me a bitch to you. For once, I will put my needs
first, because I am completely overwhelmed.
Sometimes, I even ask myself who I am. I even have glimpses of a future where I am lying in a hospital bed having collapsed with exhaustion. That is why there are days I don’t bother waking up early.
And even then, sleep is not enough to cure me of my tiredness.
If you have been in my position, then you get this. Know that you are not alone and that it’s normal to feel as you do.
You need to find yourself and know yourself. That way, you will give yourself a break when it’s due.
Only you can do this. No one else. So, you owe it to yourself to get better.