I watched as they lowered her body into the grave. At that moment, I knew I had lost my best friend. My greatest confidant in the journey of life was forever out of my life.
Death may be one of the few certainties of this life, but you can never truly prepare for it. It happens at the most inopportune of times. Just before you have time to tell your loved one how much you care or say goodbye, they are gone!
You realize there will be a no next time. In my case, I’ve been without my beloved mom for three months. Some things I remember vividly include the fact that I was not even by her side when she passed on. We all had great expectations. I believed she would recover completely after a promising round of chemo.
She was so upbeat about her progress that she insisted on going home and visiting the hospital only when necessary.
But that would only last a few days because one morning I woke up to the news that she was no more.
I had to do the hardest thing I ever tried–keep it together.
The full impact of the loss hit me on the day of her burial. As she was lowered into the grave, I got a sinking feeling deep within me. The pain was unbearable as the reality that I had lost my mother really hit me.
However strong you are, the flood of emotions that comes with this moment is unlike anything you can imagine.
I was enshrouded in despair.
I never felt like I had
ever needed her comfort as much as I did at that moment. I felt guilty
because I felt I did not love her as much as she deserved. I felt that I
should have spent more time with her.
I was angry too. She had made me depend on her for anything. She was always there when I needed her. And now she had gone and I was left high and dry.
But I was not being
fair. I wasn’t exactly easy to raise. I remember the occasions when I
raised my voice at her when she would not let me do something I wanted
to when I was younger.
She was always looking out for me. At the time, when she tried her best to keep me from trouble, I thought she was against me enjoying my life.
But over time, I had to admit that mother knows best.
When I was busy and had a job, I could hardly find the time to call her. I could not even spare two minutes to talk to her. But she always picked up my calls, although I did not always pick her calls.
She could show up to support me at the drop of a hat. When I called sobbing one terrible night after my first love broke up with me, she made the journey to come and be with me.
When I started a family, she was filled with enthusiasm when requested to help take care of the baby when I was too busy.
I now realize that I never had to ask twice for anything, regardless of how demanding it was. And I now realize that she would drop everything for my sake. She had a life, but she always made me a priority.
So, as far as friends go, nobody else comes close.
She was there for me from the very start, even before I was born.
I have been to burials before, but none was as distressing as hers.
She was suffering, and it would be unfair to want her to stay around much longer. Given a chance, I would sit by her side and tell her how much she means to me. Still, she would still be suffering from the terrible affliction that took her life.
My only consolation is in the fact that her suffering is now over.
You are irreplaceable mom. The gap you left in my life will always be there, and my love for you only grows stronger.