I know that it may sound shallow to some people that have it all together and for whom life always seems to resolve itself without any effort or self-reflection. I'm not that person.
But I do know myself well enough from my years of struggling and relationships that have gone by that I know what I want. In 2020, I want a relationship, God. I know that it's important to stay calm and trust in your timing and overall plan.
But can you blame me for having a little crisis of faith after so many failed attempts and false starts? So many occasions of being left on read, or ghosted after the first date.
Essentially, I've let myself get my hopes up in relationships that on reflection, probably weren't right for me. You probably knew that though, didn't you, God. But that notwithstanding, it still hurt.
No matter how wholesome or well adjusted you may think you are, or how spiritual or how much you believe in God, nothing can stop suffering indefinitely. Particularly the suffering that we humans pile on each other within a relationship.
So yes, I've had quite the year of ups and downs in relationships – think of it like Scrooge's Ghost of Relationships past. My love life has the same degree of vitality as the ghost. Think about that.
Therefore, on no uncertain terms, I believe that I am ready for a relationship now, God.
In a way that I probably wasn't before.
Yes, I had to make certain mistakes to know what my standards are.
To know what I want, how to achieve it, and how to assert myself when things start going sideways. If that is, they do. What's that saying, 'when God shuts a door, he opens a window'.
You just have to remember to look out of it and see what's on the other side.
But now there is a crucial difference from me of previous years. This time, I know myself, and I know that I'm worth more than I think. I deserve the best, no matter how I feel about myself.
Even if I feel emotionally exhausted or physically down on my luck. Even if I'm broken. If I'm bruised. I have learned the lessons I need to learn, God. I'm ready to look to the future with hope and security.
There aren't any more toxic people that I need to put up with in 2020.
I went through that nonsense in 2019, believe me. Breaking up with (redacted) was the best decision I ever made.
I recognized what I needed, stepped back, and took stead of my situation. I conversed with my friends, and God, and realized where my true path lay. Sometimes you have to be single to know how you function alone.
Independent of other people, you have value. I promise you.
Now I know that the only relationship that I truly need is with you, God. That said, I know myself well enough that I'm ready for the commitment and heartache that a relationship comes with.
I know how to stand up for myself and not let people in my life take advantage of me or get away with toxic behavior. They will be cut adrift from their influence over me.
I'm not under any illusions that I won't ever get my heart broken again in 2020, but I'll be ready for it. The world won't end and I know that I'll always have you, God.
God, I owe you everything I achieved in 2019, and I look to you to help me get through 2020. I have faith that my relationship will be coming soon this year.
This time I'm ready, and I'm waiting for what I deserve.