Published in Feb 2019 / Updated in Aug 2021
I have always been the forgiving type. I was still the kind of girl who did her best not to hold onto any grudges, however badly and unfairly I was treated. I forgave the worse people for the meanest of things.
Forgiving always set me free, and it was much easier for me to move on and move past those incidences once I made the deliberate decision to forgive. I earnestly believed that there wasn’t anything under the sun that I couldn’t forgive. But all that changed after I met you.
What you put me through is unforgivable. I thought I could forgive anything and everything, but I now know that there are sure exceptions after what I went through with you. You have changed the way I think and see things. I am no longer that sweet girl that would make excuses for those who hurt me. I am no longer the girl who will hide the hurt inside behind a fake smile and say, “it’s ok.”
I am not that person anymore, thanks to you. We had some good times, you and I. I held onto the memories of those good times, however few and far apart, hoping that things would get better. Except that they did not get better.
You humiliated me and made me feel worthless. You preyed on my vulnerabilities and made it your job to put me down. I remember the times I felt like not waking up. The times I thought of walking away but couldn’t bring myself to because you made sure to remind me that no man would ever want me. You made it sound as though you were doing me a favor by being with me. All this emotional abuse is something that I simply cannot bring myself to forget.
I remember you always taking and never giving. I invested my time and all my emotions into trying to make things work. And yet, I always had to beg you to create time for me. I would make plans for us to spend time together, only for you to cancel on me at the very last minute with no explanation. I gave you so much that I didn’t have enough left for myself.
And when you had taken all you could from me and destroyed me emotionally, you packed up and left like I had meant nothing to you. Only now do I realize that, indeed, I meant nothing to you. I was so hurt and broken, and at that time, I desperately wanted you back.
And every time I wanted to pick up the phone and call you, I would force myself to remember all the unforgivable things you did to me. These unforgivable things gave me the strength to move on.
And while I am doing better now, I hope that what you did to me haunts you for a very long time and that you will not go through life feeling any guilt whatsoever and without any remorse. I hope you never find your happily ever after. I hope that in your best moments, you will be reminded of everything that you did to me, and it will be enough to steal your joy. I hope that there comes a day when all you did to me will keep you up at night, every night.
I was never the vengeful type, but you may have just turned me into one. If wishing and hoping that thoughts of what you put me through haunt you make me a vengeful person, then, by all means, I will gladly wear that title. You hurt me a lot and destroyed a part of me. May that haunt you.