Although I acknowledge that the concept of someone "winning" or "losing" a breakup is not logical and could be detrimental to one's well-being, I must confess that if it were possible, I would not have "won" my breakup. Sadly, I am in a worse state than my former partner, and this is the reason:

1. I'm that girl who makes scenes in bars now

I promised myself I wouldn't become her, but I did. I am that girl who handles breakups terribly. I drown my sorrows in tequila shots at the bar and awkwardly attempt to seduce my ex by dancing provocatively (and panic when it fails). I am also the girl who engages in a heated argument with my ex in front of everyone at the bar. I am the epitome of the stereotype I detest in others.

2. I ruined some of my genuine friendships

I became overly fixated on the breakup, to the point of obsession. I believed that our shared friends had to pick a side, and any interaction with my ex was an act of ultimate betrayal. I made my stance clear to them immediately after the breakup. Unsurprisingly, my controlling behavior did not go over well, and most of them continued to maintain a relationship with my ex. I ended up severing ties with those friendships for no valid reason.

3. I got 'under' someone way too soon

Like any passionate woman, I attempted to rebound by hooking up with someone else. You know that saying, "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else?" Well, I am living proof that it's complete nonsense. I slept with a complete stranger only a week after my traumatic breakup. I didn't care about his identity or profession; I simply craved the feeling of being with someone new. I was desperate to come out on top.

4. It didn't work out how I planned

To compound my troubles, I attempted to make it a relationship. Following my uneventful tryst with Rando, I assumed that we were now an item. I bombarded him with messages, friended him on social media, and essentially pleaded with him to go on a date with me. Naturally, it was all the more mortifying when he politely informed me that we were only a "one-night thing." Thanks a lot, buddy.

5. My social media life is a serious mess

I inundated social media with my petty rants about my ex. I uploaded staged pictures of me and my squad, attempting to portray that we were having the time of our lives without him. I posted passive-aggressive remarks to undermine my ex indirectly. And the worst part? During this entire time, he was scarcely online, too busy living his life in the real world to give a damn.

6. My ex got hot

I eventually discovered where he had been instead of constantly browsing social media: the gym. He channeled all of the negativity from our relationship into a rigorous workout regimen, resulting in an impressive transformation. He appears more toned, healthier, and happier than ever before. When he posted a picture showcasing his new physique, I was in utter shock. Damn it.

7. I've drunk-dialed him more than once

It's a common trope, but I've become that person. I've consumed an excessive amount of alcohol, convinced that it would lead to a reconciliation. Despite deleting his number, I have it memorized by heart, and there have been multiple instances of me leaving him regrettable voicemails.

8. I've tried to look hot when we 'ran' into each other

My heart skipped a beat when we received an invitation to a gathering hosted by a mutual friend (thankfully, I still had some friends left!). I viewed this as an opportunity to either win him back or demonstrate what he had lost. As a result, I adorned myself with heavy makeup, and half-heartedly tortured my hair into voluminous curls. It was a laid-back event, and I appeared like an over-groomed poodle. He arrived looking effortlessly cool, and I resembled a complete fool.

9. He seems better off without me

It pains me to confess this, and it's something I'm aware of yet reluctant to acknowledge. However, the truth is, he's doing remarkably well. More than that, he's thriving. He appears reinvigorated, and his zest for life has returned. He has regained his "je ne sais quoi," and it appears to be benefiting him. He's in control of his life and oozing confidence. I wish I could dismiss it as phony, but it feels authentic.

10. And nope, he's not even in a new relationship yet

If you believed that finding a new partner was the key to "winning," you were mistaken. My ex-partner isn't currently with anyone, but he doesn't require a companion. I'm confident that when he's prepared, he'll make some fortunate woman ecstatic. He has all the qualities one could desire. I only regret not recognizing that when I had the opportunity.