How To Survive Thanksgiving Day With Your Dysfunctional Family
Published in Nov 2019 / Updated in Aug 2021
As the late Johnny Carson said, “Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover that once a year is way too often.”
All over the country, parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, in-laws, and outlaws will be gathering around a table with a giant stuffed turkey in the center, overflowing alcohol-laced drinks strewn everywhere and the relatives you see once a year to commemorate the holiday of Thanksgiving.
To some, it’s the most beautiful time of the year. To others, it’s a complete nightmare. Cousin Eddie will be 13 drinks deep before the turkey has had time to rest. Aunt Karen’s hair will be fuller than the Santa sacks the wee brats are demanding for Christmas, and then there is the know it all. Religion, politics, life. They know it all. So how does one gracefully get through thanksgiving? Here are a few tips to help get you through it.
Overload on carbs and sugar, rendering yourself useless to even follow a semi-rational discourse on any subject.
Inject some humor by telling wildly inappropriate jokes – at least keeping the kids enthralled.
Zero politics. Don’t go there. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada.
Wear something comfortable. Throw your thunder control panties back in the draw. Get the yoga pants out, yes you too, fellas! They may not be ready for your jelly but think of the pie, the wine, the beer, the pie, the wine, the turkey, and the wine.
Offer to help with the mash potatoes.
Drink to excess and with every swallow, repeat the following chant: I’m thankful. I’m grateful. I am calm.
Throw someone under the bus. If the attention comes to you, turn to cousin Eddie and point out his shocking behavior and act appalled.
Accuse someone of something before they accuse you of something, or put Paxil in the gravy.
Don’t try to escape to social media. It’s all lies. You will only end up crying into your bucket of alcohol.
When it’s time for the turkey, yell out, “who did everybody vote for?” then run and hide in another room and eat.
DO NOT let cousin Eddie cut the turkey.
Keep focused, full, and remember, it’s not whether you view your cup as half-full or half-empty. It’s thankful you even have a cup. The practice of gratitude simply turns what we have into enough.