Many people break up because one of the partners is too clingy in relationships or demanding. Clinginess is one of the most unattractive traits in a person because it suggests that the person lacks self-confidence and is trying to make up for it at the other person's expense.
The irony is that you're probably not demanding in most situations. Still, as soon as you start dating someone, you become clingy in relationships and a person you don't recognize at all.
This clinginess becomes more and more pronounced the more you like that person because you are afraid of losing that person. There are two reasons why being clingy in relationships is so unattractive. The first reason is that your partner may take you for granted because you are constantly nearby and constantly available. The second reason is that it creates the impression that you have a vain life when nothing else matters to you but your partner.
Some people realize how clingy in relationships they are and start thinking about how they can improve their behavior in current or future relationships. However, some other people need help to succeed.
What Does It Mean To Be Clingy In Relationships?
People who are clingy in relationships usually do not have the insight to have this type of problem. What contributes to this problem is the lack of insight and the constant attribution of the causes of fear to external causes. This is a defense mechanism called projection.
People who are overly possessive and clingy in relationships tend to justify their fears, anger, and controlling behavior by the other person's actions. They do not realize and refuse to understand that the cause of their dysfunctional behavior is within themselves and not outside (common causes of clinginess are: insecurity, fear of rejection and pain, shame, negative self-image).
With that in mind, being clingy in relationships should be seen as a symptom rather than as a particular and isolated phenomenon. Just as alcoholism is initially only a symptom (an indicator that there are deeper unresolved psychosocial problems), clinginess indicates the existence of more emotional issues, primarily problems with emotional attachment, rejection, and a negative image of oneself.
For the above reasons, people who have this problem rarely apply for help and psychotherapy on their own initiative. Their partners do it much more often. Suppose you are aware that you are clingy in relationships and have realized that this behavior endangers your relationship. Personally, you are a good candidate for psychological help or self-help. Otherwise, serious and thorough psychotherapeutic treatment is needed.
Here is a list of some essential tips on how to stop being so clingy in relationships.
Admit To Yourself That You Have A Problem
When the fear of being rejected, abandoned, deceived, or betrayed overwhelms you by thinking again in the usual, dysfunctional way, remind yourself that the problem is not in your partner. It is in you and your fear that you would have even when you were with some other partner.
Admit to yourself that you are afraid of being left behind, hurt, or deceived. Be aware that other people are fearful of that as well. Remind yourself that it does not represent the end of your love life or the breakdown of your identity and integrity, even if you are left behind.
Set Yourself A Clear Goal
Say to yourself: "I want to overcome my insecurities in relationships, I; It to overcome my fears (of rejection, injury, and separation)." Understand that you have decided to solve this problem for yourself and not for someone else. You want to help yourself feel more secure so that you can dedicate yourself to strengthening an existing relationship or looking for a new one.
The best way to keep someone by your side is to work hard and invest in a relationship. Being clingy in relationships is certainly not the way to go if you want a lasting partnership.
Respect The Right Of Freedom
Remind yourself that you and your partner have an equal right to the freedom to live, make decisions, behave, and choose a partner. If someone wants to leave you, they have the right to do so even though you don't like it. You have the same right. Just as you cannot force someone to be with you, you cannot be forced to do the same.
Everyone has the right to freedom of choice and free will, even if it means making mistakes.
Stop Asking For A Guarantee That You Will Not Be Left Behind Or Betrayed
Neither God nor the person you are in a relationship with can give you a 100% guarantee that your partner will not leave you. Why? Ask yourself, can you 100% guarantee to someone what you are asking to be guaranteed?
If you are honest with yourself, you will realize that this is an unattainable and unrealistic request. If you give up this request, you will be a step closer to overcoming your fears.
Change The Interpretive Framework
Give up your wrong and distorted interpretations that your partner is cheating on you, lying, or trying to leave you. Understand that it is your imagination and not reality. Your imagination is exclusively yours and is motivated by your fear.
The behavior of the other person is only a trigger and not the cause of your anxiety and you are clingy in relationships. When you notice that you have started to disturb yourself again and are overwhelmed with doubt, break that chain of thoughts.
Give Up Controlling Behavior
Stop checking on your partner (don't rummage through their belongings, phone, computer, etc., don't ask other people, etc.). These behaviors only back up and reinforce your fear and your doubts.
If you stop this behavior, you will expose yourself to the fear you need to face to overcome this problem. So be brave and face your fear instead of constantly running away from it by blaming and controlling others.
Face The Fear
Dealing with fear is the only way to overcome it. Say to yourself: "If I am abandoned or rejected, it does not mean that I deserve it, nor does it mean that something is wrong with me. That says nothing about me as a person."
Rejection is just uncomfortable but not horrible. When you start to face your fears, they will slowly begin to decrease and appear less and less often. You have to be persistent and consistent in that. Dealing with fears is a process that requires patience, consistency, and self-encouragement.
There is a saying that the more freedom you give someone, the less they will need it. In a quality relationship, it is clear that the relationship is not a prison, but quite the opposite - giving wings to the person we live with. It is essential to give your partner space and time to dedicate themselves to friends, family, college, or hobbies. Encouraging a partner to stay what they are is the key to a good relationship, not to suffocate them and be clingy in relationships all the time.
So, encouraging a partner to pursue all that makes them happy and what we know they can accomplish is of immense importance for success in the relationship. This will show that we trust them but also that we love them unconditionally.