Leo DiCaprio. Yachts. Haute Couture. Sounds like a dream. Or a plan...
All this feminism got me to the point where I paid for my boyfriend. Ok, I don't really pay for his services; he's not an escort. I think.
I buy him gifts and dates, and he's confused. By now, it's safe to say it's too late for me. But, as we sit in our moderately decent apartment, I have to ask myself: "What if I wasn't so obsessed with morals, feelings, and feminism?"
True Feminism Doesn't Judge
If you want to marry someone filthy rich, no one should judge you. Let's be fair; you'll get the last laugh if you get your catch. I will be jealous for not dreaming bigger and not knowing how to marry a millionaire sooner.
Or billionaire, because the bigger the dream, the more exciting the chase!
The thing about the core of feminism is that we're allowed to be whoever we want to be. Gold diggers, sex workers, and adult movie stars are all women, and they deserve respect.
So, if you're planning on landing yourself a Jeff Bezos, you need to know how. You do not need to make excuses.
You Gotta Start Young
Nailing a millionaire is similar to climbing the corporate ladder. You must start when you're young, fresh, and full of options.
Furthermore, you can't start with a CEO. Nope, because that's not how life works. You should introduce yourself to the world of entertainment.
Your goal number one is to pick up an NBA player, a male model, DJ, or someone somewhat famous. If you're fortunate, you'll get a superstar in the making, but the chances aren't in your favor.
Pay for that fancy version of Tinder or any other similar app, or simply find a matchmaker. They still exist. Though, your best shot is the next step...
The Next Step is Self-promotion
Once you get people talking, you'll start to develop your social media circle, both in real life and online.
You have to have a calling, some sort of a job. You can be a model, dancer, or student (for real), but you also have to be passionate about the environment, cows, veganism, bees, whatever's in.
You can't wear anything too flashy or trashy. But, since you're dating a semi-celebrity, you do need to be a sexy kitten to get to page six.
Dump Him, Replace Him
Honey, forget about love if you can. Now that you got to meet semi, it's time for the real celebrities.
Mingle, party, don't drink too much, smile, but don't be the loudest in the room. Fake modesty will do just fine.
Face it: I am not judging you, as you're working the room. But, you are a low-key selling yourself, and that's ok.
Dump the C lister, and get yourself a Leo DiCaprio, because that will make you famous worldwide. Leo represents all (semi) straight males willing to give a gal a push into stardom.
And some jewelry. Perhaps a trip around the world on his BFF's super yacht?
How Do You Get Leo DiCaprio?
The most important thing about celebrities is that they are just humans.
If you treat a man as a unique flower but still manage to touch his human side, you're golden. However, if you talk down to him or worship a guy, that won't make you seem real.
You don't need to be perfect, just to know how to move, dress, and how to be his rock. Play with his insecurities while knowing exactly how to promote yourself as a goal-getter.
Yes, he will date other people, but you won't make drama. You'll call the paparazzi and look like a million bucks, but make sure to look surprised.
Instead of giving those darn photographers from your speed dial anything juicy, you'll be selling your cookbook and yoga gear while looking effortlessly stylish and unbothered.
Wait, Where is the Billionaire?
Now we're talking.
Before you dump your A-lister, make sure to get some fabulous invites. Cool doesn't mean Hollywood. Instead, it's an event that will allow you to shake your Gucci and Prada on Manhatten.
Perhaps a Google summit? Think Silicon Valley and the latest technologies, and leave other, younger gals to play among Hollywood wannabe crowds.
You're too mature and too conscious about something – girl, you have to fake that interest- to be part of anything less than the most prestigious events.
Now, luck has its place in your foolproof plan to land a billionaire. You might do everything by the book, and yet, you won't do a thing.
But, at least you'll meet some important people, so there's always hope.
You're an Investor
If you think really hard about it, you're an investor. You're your best investment, and if that means workouts and learning about stuff you don't give a rat's arse about, that's alright.
Do you think Wall Street guys love to watch that whole market thing as it goes round and round? No, but they do it because the ultimate goal is money, which brings power.
If you know what you're doing, you'll be the one standing next to your man, who's their boss, and give them smirks. Oh, that would be a scene…
You know that you should be making babies by now, so what the heck are you waiting for?
Invest in those babies, and you'll take over Wall Street in no time.
What do Billionaires Look For in a Wife?
Let's get straight to the point. A rich person, a millionaire, or a billionaire, look for their equal. Not money-wise, but someone who will keep up with them.
There's a misconception that you must be Victoria's Secret model to marry rich. Good looks will help, but personality matters.
It's almost like you're marrying for love. Wait, you are. For the love of money.
But how do you date a rich guy when you're poor? Well, fake it. Look polished, mysterious, sweet, yet determined. It's almost too easy. The thing is that many gals start with the idea of marrying someone filthy rich and end up with a dream.
Why? Because they don't have enough self-respect to admit that catching a millionaire can be a full-time job.
Rich people are just like you and me; they have a higher net worth. Fund managers, the new Bill Gates of the world, are all waiting for you. So, go for it. Don't settle if your goal is to have your wedding featured in the New York Times.
Stupid Feminism and Feelings
Is it better to marry for love or money? Who am I to say? And who are you to judge people who are in it for the money? Rich people do it their way. The rest of us can overthink.
So, as I emasculate my boyfriend, I can't help but think, "What the heck am I doing?"
And things are getting worse as we speak. We came to the point where I refused to get any gifts because that's what I thought feminism was.
As we stare at each other, head over heels, you know what the worst thing is? I think whether it's all worth it. Financial security for life and all that power, to give it all up for feelings? Or worse, morals?
The bottom line is that you might not need a billionaire, but if that's your life goal, so be it. I'll just enjoy life with my loving man while reprogramming myself.
That whole idea that we're equal is killing my love life, so eff that faux feminism. Save yourself because true love will cost you the best clothes, jets, and all that glam.
Don't kid yourself into thinking you can have it both ways. So, make a decision and stick to it. At least, that's what I did.
Was this all a joke? Not really. Think about it. Get your priorities straight. And perhaps think whether there's a hidden message in what you just read!