Published in Aug 2019 / Updated in Feb 2021
Giving a tablet to a cat can be a daunting prospect for anyone, but with a calm and confident approach, it’s much easier than you think. Or is it?
This step by step guide will help you achieve this successfully and as easily as possible.
1. Pick the cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding the pill in your right hand. As the cat opens its mouth, pop the pill into the mouth. Allow cat to close and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from the floor and the cat from behind the sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Get a new pill, cradle cat in left arm holding regular paws tightly with the left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of the mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of the wardrobe. Call spouse from the yard.
6. Kneel on the floor as the cat’s wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set them aside for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, then force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check the label to make sure the pill is not harmful to humans, then drink one beer to take the taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in a cupboard while closing door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with a rubber band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch a bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply a cold compress to the cheek and check records for the date of the last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call the fire department to retrieve the friggin’ cat from the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take the last pill from foil-wrap.
13. Consume the remainder of Scotch. Get your spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while the doctor stitches fingers and forearm, and removes pill remains from the eye. However, don’t forget to call the furniture shop on the way home to order a new table.
14. Arrange for the Humane Society to collect mutant cat from Hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.