We’ve all been there after a particularly rogue night out. We’d probably had three beers too many and sung two ABBA albums too many (if such a thing is possible). Either way, it’s the next morning and you’re left with something of a dilemma: you have a very conspicuous hickey and you’re visiting your grandparents that evening. Send thoughts and prayers.

In the end, you don a Steve Jobs-esque turtleneck in July and begin to have the first inklings of regret. By the end of the evening, you have revenge on your mind and resolve to learn how to impose a hickey on another individual. It’s the principle of the thing.

And here we are! Fun times are afoot, readers.

Enjoy the 5 top tips down below, and please remember to stay safe, friends!

1.Placement

This is key, and it depends how much you want to inconvenience the object of your affection in the morning. Most stick with the lower-middle neck; visible above a collar, but plenty of room below the chin so that it isn’t the first thing people see. Mostly, however, people tend to be a little busy wrapped up in their partner to think too deeply on this one, so I wouldn’t worry about it. Once you’ve given your lover/victim the eyes and winked at them across the club, we’re ready to move to step two. Standing by.

2. Start with a kiss

We are classy individuals, after all. Depending on how mutually intoxicated you both are, this might be more sloppy than sexy, but that can’t be helped. If in doubt, keep things moving and introduce a little tongue – gently does it though. There’s nothing worse than an unsolicited or aggressive tongue making its presence known – guys, I’m talking about you! You know exactly who you are.

Suck on the skin and pull their skin lightly against your teeth and then gauge whether they’re liking it or not how to proceed. If they seem to be having a grand old time, keep at it, if not, switch it up or let them lead for a little. Don’t worry, there’s plenty of time to make your mark and experiment.

3. Pressure

If all is going well, it’s time to increase the pressure and give them a little nip or suck a little harder (gosh that sounds dodgy written down, but trust me, in practice it’s a very pleasant sensation to willing participants!)

4. Mix it up, leave multiple hickeys

An entire hoard of ’em, if you so wish, so they don’t get lonely (and they can proudly display them or shamefacedly conceal them as appropriate).

Hickeys are kind of like cats in that respect, because you can only adopt cats in pairs or more, because they’re such social animals. Like cats, hickeys often come in groups. Where there’s one, there’s usually more not far behind…

So there you have it, a few hot tips to mix things up again and make connections in the club – and yes, maybe you can finally give your own hickey after years of receiving them and having to deal with the consequences!

Clearly we aren’t still bitter about the grandparents incident. Clearly.