I've had so many questions over the years about dating or "levelling up" to those who have a desire to date men who are wealthier than the average man. Firstly, I never dated wealthy men as a conscious choice, for me it is about dating someone who is intellectually compatible and stimulating. I've found that I find it difficult to connect with those who aren't either career-driven or have a strong passion for ethics. This probably has a lot to do with my upbringing. However, not all of my dating experiences have been the best.
The following story will probably be quite relatable to a few of you, actually based on the messages I receive all the time, I know it will.
In my job I'm lucky to be able to do some pretty incredible things. This particular time I found myself working on U2's 360 tours quite a few years ago and it was something that just worked for me BUT to everyone around me they thought it was incredible. It was a usual day at work, preparing the usual tasks that needed to be performed to make sure everything went off without a hitch for what we were working on, and then all of a sudden I received a message from a guy that I had met not long before. We had been chatting and everything was easy. We shared the usual small talk over text message but the one thing that he did (I know almost every woman out there loves this) that always made my heart flutter was the simple "Good Morning" and "Good Night" text message. To any man out there reading this, it means more than flowers, candy, or anything else you could do. To say good morning and good night at the end of every day tells a woman so much more than you realise, it tells us you are actually thinking about us at some of the most important times of the day. Do this for a woman and she will fall head over heels.
Anyway back to my story, so I was having a great time on day one of the two-day tour. At the end of the day, I told him all about my day and he genuinely seemed interested in it. We had yet to go on our first date so I decided it would be a pretty good idea to see if he wanted to join me the next day and have an all-access pass to the concert. I would have to work a portion of the tour but by the time U2 came on stage, I would be all his to spend time with. He was over the moon and couldn't believe it. I was so excited, because doing something to make others happy makes me happy.
The next day as I was doing my work he was tagging along and just helping out where he could. I felt bad that our first "date" included a little work but he genuinely seemed not to care and was just excited to be there. We talked all day and by the time the concert came around, we were ready to let our hair down and just have fun. Standing in the VERY inner circle right up next to the stage where you could almost touch Bono was something that he kept telling me he was so grateful for. It was an experience that "he would never forget". I thought wow that's so cool. I was really interested in him and thought that this was such an awesome experience to share.
With our VIP bands on a few people weaved in and out of the crowd and tapped me on the shoulder. I knew they worked on the tour and I thought "Oh no please don't say anything is wrong, I really don't want to have to leave right now."
"Hey Ava" the lady yelled over the music blaring from the speaker in front of us as Bono crossed one of the bridges.
"What's wrong?" I said trying to contain my panic.
"Nothing is wrong, we just want to say thank you for all the hard work you've put in and wanted to see if you wanted to come up on stage during one of the songs again tonight" - The night before I had been asked to go up on stage personally by the band during "Walk On" and it was such an honour. I really didn't know how my date would feel about being left alone so I asked if he could come and the answer was YES!
I turned to my date and explained the situation and disbelief crossed his face, I didn't know if he was uncomfortable or whether he was just shocked.
"REALLY?" he yelled out. I nodded and he jumped at me giving me the biggest hug and kiss. I was really enjoying the perks of my job at that point.
So just before the song began we were ushed backstage and given these large torches with the other staff that was honoured with the opportunity and advised when to talk on stage. We walked the entire stage as Bono sang and the look on his face was beaming as over 60,000 phones were focused on us...I even watched one of the videos on Youtube and can even pinpoint us both all these years later! Anyway by the end of the concert we kissed and hugged good night and I crashed by the time I got to bed.
The very next morning I woke up and checked my phone...no message. I started to think he must have overslept so I went about my day and by night I still hadn't heard from him. As the days went by I was starting to wonder what had happened so I sent him a text just to see how things were going...no response.
The next day he messaged me and this is literally how it ended.
"Hey Ava, I don't think this is going to work between us. Sorry" I stood there dumbfounded with my best friend not knowing what had just happened. I fired back a text message because that was NOT going to cut it.
"Why?" I responded not desperate but completely confused.
"Honestly?" He replied.
"Umm...yes!" I shot back.
"Because I'm intimidated by your success and I just can't deal with that" I slumped into the chair behind me wondering what on earth that was even supposed to mean. I had worked so hard to achieve the success of my career at such a young age and now I was being punished for it. I felt like some kind of failure at that point and the plans I had made to go out with my friends were the last thing I wanted to do at that point. I was shattered, I started crying.
Later that night I called my best guy friend and asked him what had happened. After explaining everything here was the conclusion.
"David" Guy Friend: So when a guy says something sweet, sentimental, or gooey at the beginning of dating, he's lying. He isn't telling you how he feels about you, he is just trying to figure out how you feel about him. Two options at this point, he does like you or you are someone that he could possibly like but he is saying these things to see how you react. "David" my friend explained that guys do have insecurities as well and they don't want to get hurt either so the best way for them to protect themselves is to make sure you actually like them too. If you don't flutter when he says these things then he knows he has to work harder to get you but if you get all jittery then he doesn't have to work so hard.
If he starts talking about the future in the beginning he did mean it at that moment but he wasn't actually thinking about the future. Whatever was happening and how he felt about you at the moment made him make that suggestion...but it doesn't actually mean it is going to happen. Don't get carried away with it, it's not a milestone in the relationship.
If you find yourself asking why he hasn't called or texted you back then you're not imagining anything, your relationship is definitely not in a good spot. Obviously, it wouldn't be after an hour, we are talking days and weeks. The first time you ever ask a guy that question, he feels smothered and that you are being needy. It is then that he knows he has you and there is no more chase, he knows at that point he can disappear at any time and you will be there even though you might annoy him a little it wouldn't matter because you just became the fallback.
There isn't really much doubt that he did feel something for you at that point but it also looks like he was trying to see if the grass was greener anywhere else and the reason he keeps coming back is that he knows he hasn't found it yet. The moment that you start asking why he didn't do something, the chase, excitement, and enjoyment was gone from the relationship and it becomes a burden. If a guy feels like he HAS to do something it sucks all the fun out of doing it because he wants to.
If he texts you anytime after 8:30 pm and asks to catch up...you're in booty call territory...especially if you're not in a "real" relationship and this isn't the norm. It gets even worse if he has disappeared and then randomly messaged you, then you're definitely a booty call. The fact that you went over there tells him he can treat you that way and you will just head on over no matter what. You gave him the green light to be that way and that you will accept it. There was nothing left to chase. At this point, he will either disappear or just keep stringing you along.
So when he finally does disappear...here's what happened. In the beginning, you gave him something to work for. Once he knew that he had won you over he began to relax. He thought "Cool, I can really just chill with this girl without having to go over the top anymore." The moment you started to act needy, you killed the ease and attraction. You made him look at you as something less than sexy, fun, and secure/happy within yourself.
When it comes to women we have no problem in telling a guy when we are unhappy or when he is doing something wrong but with guys, they don't want to talk about the relationship or who is feeling whatever. If a guy is feeling smothered he is NOT going to tell you, especially at the beginning he will think it will just make you upset and nuts. At that point, he will see that this can only go downhill and he just leaves without any reason why.
The issue today is that women don't understand that men are just simple creatures, we are the complicated ones. If we can work on simplifying our own thoughts then maybe, just maybe we can find the relationship that will work for us...but it's not always our fault.
As promised I have started working on these things myself, each article will have tips and tricks from both a female and male point of view. I will share stories and experiences with you as well as helping you reach a happier place to make sure you are in the right headspace so when the right guy comes along...you're not going to let him slip through your fingers because the men before have left you dazed and confused.
Stay tuned for the next article - How to catch him and keep him - 103 - What you think and do that kills your potential relationships.
If you have any other questions email: firstname.lastname@example.org