Published in Dec 2020 / Updated in Apr 2021
Nothing is ever real with a narcissist, not even relationships or intimacy. To them, sex is nothing more than a bargaining chip, and they will use it as a weapon against their partners if necessary.
Narcissists lack emotional depth, and they can never connect intimately with anyone.
Control is the one thing narcissists truly care about, and even something as intimate as sex is used as a way to get you to do their bidding.
How Narcissists Use Sex To Avoid Intimacy
Since narcissists are very shallow, and they have no ability to connect with other people intimately. So, like many other things in a narcissist’s life, intimacy is usually faked.
Narcissists know what many people consider sex the climax of intimacy and love. That is why they can fake intimacy and love using sex.
For this reason, this person can highlight their sexual prowess and give you sexual attention, but only to make you feel like there is an intimacy between you two. It is a great way to hide their grotesque emotional shortcomings.
But as they say, being naked before someone is not the same as taking your clothes in front of someone. A narcissist can take their clothes off for you, but they can never bet truly naked before you since they have so much to lose by showing you who they truly are.
For one, everything they do is for their own selfish interest.
The best they can do is use sex to give the impression that there’s intimacy, love, and care in the relationship. There is nothing good for you to see in a narcissist, and they would never allow you to see their hollow damaged selves.
When You Mess Up, They Fly Into A Rage And Turn Sex Into A Weapon
Narcissists plan everything, and even the “intimacy” is scripted. Therefore, anyone who messes up with that plan ends up experiencing their anger.
At this point, the narcissist will negatively use sex as a weapon. Sex will be used to manipulate and force you to do what they want.
No longer will the person care about using this intimate act to make you feel like you have a loving and caring partner. At all times, narcissists need narcissistic supply, and that means getting the attention they need to feed their insatiable vanity by all means possible.
Obviously, sex is a pretty powerful weapon for a narcissist in a romantic relationship. It can be used to control your thoughts and actions and make sure you give them your undivided attention.
In addition to using sex as a weapon, a narcissist will also try to blame you. But mainly, they use sex as a means to control the amount of narcissistic supply they get from you.
For instance, the person can ask for sex constantly and make sure you know that if you can’t fulfill their wishes, they might abandon you, get it elsewhere, or shut you off.
How Narcissists Weaponize Sex
The moment a narcissist starts using sex as a weapon, it will feel even more detached than ever. There will also be a noticeable lack of emotional attachment, and their interest will be on body parts rather than your overall satisfaction.
All such narcissists care about is getting sexual attention, not building intimacy with you.
Narcissists have no respect for other people or their bodies. All they care about is their ability to use you for their own selfish ends.
They can hide their ill intentions behind their sexual prowess, but at the end of the day, you are just an object they are using to gratify themselves.
However, if the person realizes you have a greater need for sex than they do, they can withhold sex to punish you.
By doing so, they can lower your self-esteem and make you feel demeaned. The idea is to make you feel less attractive or even less human.
When sex is weaponized in this manner, you will fear that you will be replaced with someone more deserving of the sexual attraction your partner has to offer. That will clearly put you at a disadvantage in the relationship.
So, a narcissist can withhold sex or demand too much of it as a way to weaponize it.
How Will You Know A Narcissist Is Using Sex As A Weapon?
Once a narcissist starts using sex as a weapon, you will feel violated and like you are not good enough. You will also feel starved of love and affection, and your boundaries will feel violated.
The important thing is to remember that these feelings are not founded in truth because this person has gone out of their way to make you feel bad about yourself as a punishment.
The narcissist can even try to get other people involved to make the punishment much harsher. So, a narcissist can even have sex with someone else and blame it on you.
In fact, to make you feel even more degraded, they can try to have sex with a close friend or even a relative. The person might even try to talk you into getting into polygamous relationships.
The sex can even get sadistic, which can be a way for them to express their deep-seated narcissistic rage.
Saving Yourself From Weaponized Narcissistic Rage
Realizing that you are in a relationship where sex is used as a weapon is the first and the greatest step towards helping yourself heal.
From there, you can even involve other people who can bring some positivity and perspective into your life and help you heal.
Narcissistic abuse can be traumatizing.
Therefore, the healing process requires that you learn to get back your self-respect, self-esteem and appreciate the person you are and the value you bring into any relationship.
Sex with a truly genuine partner is intimate, deep, and meaningful. More importantly, it enhances the bond you have with your partner.
A relationship with a narcissist where sex is used as a weapon is just not worth it. A healthy love life makes you happier and more fulfilled.